Hilarious last-minute Halloween costumes

Back at college, I remember walking up to my friend Mike’s house on Halloween and seeing him frantically painting bright red briefs onto a pair of nice blue jeans. He was really going at it, too—slapping the wet brush all over the crotch and pockets, wagging his tongue out like a dog on the front lawn.

Of course, an hour later he showed up to the party as Superman. And though he didn’t leap any tall buildings in a single bound, he did manage to drink most of the punch bowl faster than a speeding bullet.

More important, his last-minute Halloween costume got us all laughing. The best ones do that:

• Professional Baseball Player. This is where you dig through your closet and peel out that old sweatsmelling jersey and orange foam hat from Little League. Throw on your baseball glove and paint some thick black lines under your eyes and you’re good to go.

• Sandwich. My friend Brian once slapped a piece of bread on his chest and another on his back and went as a sandwich. You’ve heard of a Quarter Pounder, right? Well this was a two-hundredpounder.

• Vending Machine. Here’s where you duct-tape little bags of chips and chocolate bars all over your body. If your party’s working properly, they’ll be ripped off you within ten minutes of getting there.

• The Random Closet Mishmash with a Funny Name. You’ve got a purple tie, dark shades, and leather pants so you go as a Club-Going Comedian With A Black Eye. You’ve got a bridesmaid dress, oven mitts, and a tiara, so you go as Lounge Singer Baking Cookies For A Bachelorette Party. You get the idea.

• Jabba the Hutt. Time to laze around on the couch in a green sleeping bag.

• The Walk of Shame. Simply wear a man’s shirt over your dress clothes, mess up your hair, and carry a pair of high heels in your hand. For guys, try a backwards, inside-out shirt, sideways bedhead, and your shoes on the wrong feet.

• A Terrible Record Collection. My friend Alec once bought a milk crate of old records for a quarter from a garage sale. They were in horrible condition, but the price was right so he took them home. For Halloween he safety-pinned most of them on himself and went as A Terrible Record Collection. It was a good laugh, but since he couldn’t really move, he ending up spending most of the party whisper-singing “Monster Mash” to himself on a futon.

• Grapes. Boy, if you’ve got some purple or green balloons lying around, have we got a costume for you.

• Yourself. This is where you arrive at the party completely unprepared, but rather than fess up you just tell people you’re going as yourself this year. Then whenever someone says, “But that’s not a costume,” you say, “Maybe it is, my friend ... maybe it is,” and then give a really exaggerated wink.

Okay listen, when somebody puts an amazing amount of time and effort into a kick-ass costume, that’s worth celebrating. Nobody here denies that. All we’re saying is if you manage to scramble around your house at the last minute and get us all laughing with your hilariously creative costume, then that’s complete admirable.

It’s simply commendable.

It’s downright respectable.

And we all know it’s just totally

AWESOME!