Chapter 33

Zenith & Nadir

Ruby was unnaturally quiet as Heather gathered her resolve to call Adam’s name. Adam shuffled ahead without energy, and Heather’s voice seemed equally lifeless; she could not find the resolve to speak.

“Adam,” Heather said softly.

Adam slowed his pace and pricked his ears, but he did not stop.

Ruby squeezed Heather’s hand for courage, and Heather once again called out: “Adam!”

Once again Adam slowed. He tilted his head and groaned. Then his hands found their habitual resting place on his abdomen.

“Adam Hollowcast!” Heather shouted, her courage growing. Adam turned around. He threw his hands in front of his face—weakly. They trembled, and his pale lips struggled to speak.

“P-p-please,” he moaned. “P-please leave me alone. It’s more than I can s-stand. I’m walking home. I’m so tired. What else is it you want of me?”

The pained rejection of her offer for company surprised Heather, and she stopped. Was the very sight of her that offensive to Adam? Heather froze to the spot, and her lower lip quivered with the threat of tears.

“I don’t know what else I can do for you,” Adam moaned. He dropped to his knees. “What more do you want of me?” At that, he dropped his football bag and pushed up his sleeves. His pale arms trembled in the moonlight. “See what I’ve done for you? Isn’t it enough?” In the moon’s pallor, Heather could see the tiny T’s Adam had carved into his arms. “Is it not enough anymore? What else would convince you to leave me to my misery?”

Adam seemed like he would cry if he had the energy. But after the exhausting game—and all the other things he had done to torture himself—he didn’t seem to have much of anything left.

Heather froze to the spot. The world spun around her. Here was the one person she cared for more than anyone—save possibly Ruby—and he was sending her away. His arms were full of slashes, he groped around in exhaustion, and he could not bear the sight of her. Heather grew dizzy. Her scar pulsed with her heartbeat, and her breathing quickened.

It was only Ruby’s small hand, still firmly grasping Heather’s, that kept Heather from spinning out of control. With her free hand, Ruby tugged at her sister’s sleeve. Heather knelt down.

“It isn’t what you think,” Ruby whispered. Her warm breath left her mouth in white gossamer clouds; and Heather startled, for Adam’s breath had left no such ghostly trails in the air. It was as if Adam were chilled to his very core.

“What do you mean?” Heather asked her sister—although her eyes were fixed now entirely on Adam.

“Adam doesn’t want to send you away. He doesn’t mean to.”

“Why does he say it, then?”

“He doesn’t think you’re real. Just like he thought I wasn’t real on the stage.”

Heather’s eyes bulged at the prospect. Was Adam truly that disturbed? Was he so accustomed to phantasms haunting his waking hours that he now mistook the real Heather for a ghostly one? And cutting himself! Was that his way of appeasing his invisible tormentors, of making them go away?

Heather released Ruby’s hand and hurried towards Adam. But he crouched, so she slowed, approaching him instead calmly the way she might approach a distrustful animal. Adam stilled, kneeling on the sidewalk. The thin snow melted under him and soaked into the knees of his pants. Heather knelt down facing him at arm’s length while Ruby watched from a distance. With trembling hand, Adam reached out to Heather.

“Is it really you, then? You’re real this time?” he asked.

“This time? Adam, of course I’m real!”

Adam trembled once again before breathing a sigh—not quite of relief. Not yet. He reached his shaking hand to Heather’s face. Closer. Closer still. Finally, he touched her face. The chill of the air dissipated, and the two became surrounded in warmth. Steadying his hand against her cheek, Adam stopped trembling.

Then, slowly, with one finger outstretched Adam touched her scar. He traced it across her forehead and down the bridge of her nose. It soothed Heather, and though she wanted to close her eyes, she dared not lest Adam disappear and the surreal moment freeze back into harsh reality.

There was so much to be said, and yet neither could speak. The moonlight lapped the sidewalk around them, and in the snow a thousand crystalline dreams danced for them, reflecting even in their eyes.

Behind them Ruby breathed a vocalized sigh. It had the effect of breaking their spell, and Heather blinked. “Can I walk you home?” she asked, for she dared not invite Adam to her house, close to the fiend partly responsible for his present state.

Adam nodded dumbly.

Ruby kept her distance as Heather rose first, then Adam. They stared at each other for another moment until Ruby giggled like a sprite and dashed into a pile of leaves dusted with snow.

“Ruby!” Heather scolded. The sound of her own voice sounded foreign and loud. “Don’t you want to say hi to Adam?”

“I sure would. If he were here.”

“Quit playing games, Rue. He’s right here.”

Ruby giggled and shook her head. “Not my Adam!”

Heather shook her head. “I don’t know what’s gotten into her lately. Ruby, stay out in front of us so I can watch you as we walk. And stay on the sidewalks!”

Without a word, Ruby jumped from the leaf pile and sprinkled the awkward couple with icy leaves. Then she dashed on toward home. Adam picked up his football bag and followed.

Heather cleared her throat, but Adam did not respond. “I can’t believe it snowed before Halloween,” Heather said as if she were continuing a casual conversation.

Adam shrugged. “This is nothing. It’ll melt when the sun comes up.”

Heather nodded.

Silence.

“You did well on the field today,” Heather offered.

Adam grunted.

“You should be proud.”

“Proud?”

“The whole school was cheering for you. You’re the star.”

Adam sighed and turned to face Heather. “I only did what I did because I saw you there in the stands. You have no idea, Heather.”

“No idea about what?”

“I hate seeing you.”

Heather averted her eyes, stunned.

“No.” Adam threw down his bag again and took her hands. “That’s not what I meant. I hate seeing you because it makes me hate myself. My popularity, my success on the field, it all came at a cost that you paid. Without your blog entry, everyone would have been cheering for Jared Winters tonight, not for me. Seeing you there in the stands tonight, imagining how you were getting tormented, how all the students must have been mistreating you—and to know it was all my fault, and nothing I could do about it.”

“But Adam—”

He shook his head. “You don’t understand. I don’t want to be successful. I don’t want to be a star. Sometimes on the field I try impossible moves just in hopes that I’ll fail and reveal the fraud I am. In my speeches to my teammates, I try to be as inspirational as I can in hopes that one of them will exceed my performance and take me out of the spotlight for once. Heather, I don’t want what I have. I just—I just want to fade away.”

He looked away shyly.

“I guess you’ve already seen my arms. I—I do things to myself. It makes me feel better. At least for a time. And the doctor says I’ve got an ulcer. Serves me right, I guess.”

Heather squeezed his hands. “Adam, you need help. A counselor.”

He shook his head. “What good would it do? I already know what a coward I am, what a fraud. What possible good would a counselor do? Can a counselor turn back time?”

“It helps to talk to someone about it,” Heather said, trying to remain calm.

Adam picked up his bag and followed Ruby down the moonlit sidewalk. Heather followed next to him.

“I do wish I had someone to talk to. The only person willing to let me spill my heart—well, I just don’t trust him anymore.”

Heather wanted to tell Adam all about Burton, but it stuck in her throat. Instead, she said, “You could always talk to me, you know.” A gust of wind sent cold leaves swirling around the pair as Adam considered it. “Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just go back to how things were before? When we talked all the time about school and baseball and—Homecoming?”

“I wish we could,” Adam whispered.

“Why can’t we? Haven’t you had enough of it? Enough tormenting yourself over a sport that isn’t even the one you like? Enough pretending to be strong when you’re falling apart inside? Why not just walk away and be done with it?”

“Heather, I wish I could.”

“Why can’t you?”

Adam drew in a deep, icy breath. “For one, the school hates me. They don’t know it yet—maybe they never will—but they hate me.”

“Why?”

“I ruined their chance at a third state championship.”

“You did?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

“I should never have come forward about the steroids. I should have left well enough alone. Like you said: baseball is my sport, not football. Why couldn’t I have just left it alone? Who did I think I was standing against? Jared and the others? Against my own friends? Against my own team?”

“Adam, they’re the ones who did something wrong. Not you.” Heather raised her hand to Adam’s shoulder, but he flicked her away.

“You don’t understand, Heather. You’ve always been independent. You’ve never been part of a team or cared much about what others think. You’re happy with just yourself. No one is like that, Heather. Only you. Most people can’t be like that. Like me. I turned against my teammates. It’s unforgivable.”

“Adam! They turned against themselves when they cheated.”

“No.”

“Yes, Adam. Just walk away.”

“No, Heather. The team gave the school something to be proud of, something to look forward to. It brought college scouts and celebrations. And I’ve taken it away. I can’t walk away. I’ve got to give them back what I’ve taken.”

“You don’t mean—?”

Adam nodded. “I’m taking the team to States. It’s the least I can do for them after what I’ve done.”

“Adam, don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re not built for football. You’ll be pummeled at States. You’ll get hurt.”

“All the better.”

“Adam! You can’t keep hurting yourself.”

“I’d do worse if I weren’t such a coward.”

Heather’s jaw dropped, and she studied his eyes to see whether he really meant it. “It’s enough, Adam. It’s time to end this.”

“Easy for you to say.” An angry edge hardened his voice. “Your sin is out in the open.”

“My sin?”

“Turning against your school. Everyone knows what you did, and they can hate you outwardly for it, and you can deal with it by tutoring or helping people or whatever, and that’s just fine and dandy, isn’t it? Easy for you to say! How the hell am I supposed to end all this, Heather?”

Heather couldn’t help that his anger was infectious. “You’re talking about hurting yourself, Adam. You need help!”

“Don’t worry. I’d never be brave enough. The Adam Hollowcast everyone loves is nothing but a coward.”

“Just come forward, then. Transfer schools if you have to. Quit the team. But just come out with it. Tell everyone you were my source. Be done with it. Stop torturing yourself. I mean, if you want me to post it, I can start publishing my blog again.”

“This is just what I mean. You don’t understand at all, do you?” Adam argued.

“What don’t I understand?”

“It’s too late for me. I can never come forward.”

“Why?”

“No one will ever forgive me.”

“Of course they will. Adam, you’ve done nothing wrong. There’s nothing to forgive. And even if there were, you’re Adam Hollowcast. Everyone would forgive you.”

Adam shook his head. “No. They won’t. Don’t you see? If I confess that I’m the source, don’t you see how it’s going to look? It’ll look like I orchestrated the whole thing just so I could become captain. I won’t look like the good guy, Heather. I’ll look like a scheming coward. And maybe I am. Haven’t I enjoyed a rise to fame? Who knows anymore! Maybe I did do it on purpose. Maybe I secretly wanted to be captain. How can I know?” Adam’s anger softened towards despair. “There are all these thoughts storming around in my head. They torment me. And how can I know which ones are real? I have no idea, no one to talk to. No one I can be open with. I thought about telling Burton. Time and time again I wanted to tell him—just for the sake of having someone to talk to about it all.”

“No, Adam. Never tell Burton. I have things to tell you about him. In fact, that’s why I came to the game tonight.”

“What about Burton?”

“He already knows you’re my source.”

Adam’s eyes flashed in the moonlight. “You told him!”

“Of course not! But he knows anyway.”

“How?”

“I don’t know. He just knows things. Maybe it’s the herbs he’s been giving you. He’s told me they give him the ability to get information from you without you even knowing.”

Adam’s face blanched to match the surrounding snow. “What does he want?”

Heather looked down.

“Well? What does he want?”

Heather paused. “Me,” she whispered.

“You?”

“Over the summer—when you and I were dating—Burton gave me rides to my babysitting jobs.”

“You never told me that!”

“I didn’t think anything of it! It was just my next-door neighbor being neighborly. That’s all. How could I have known he had a major obsession with me?”

“What?”

“When you and I were talking about breaking the story, Burton found out something was going on, and he wanted me to let him in on it. But I never said a word. He asked me to Homecoming, too, but I refused. He’s so bitter. He still likes me, even after I refused him. Even after I screamed at him. And Adam—”

“Yes?”

“He hates you. Those herbs he’s been giving you, he’s trying to torment you. To keep you going just enough to keep you from your doctor, and more than enough to make you feel pain.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“Why? How?”

“He’s jealous. He knows I’d never go to Homecoming Dance with him because I’d—I’d rather go with—you.”

Heather looked up and the anger in Adam’s eyes softened. He took Heather’s hands, and his face flushed despite the cold. The world was silent, and the moon drifted behind a cloud.

“How did we ever get to this? What ever happened to us?” Adam whispered.

“I don’t know.”

They turned back towards Ruby, who was playing at the end of a pebbled driveway, and they walked in silence, hand-in-hand.

The moon stayed hidden for a time behind the clouds, and even Ruby seemed to disappear into shadow. It was as if the world wanted to give Adam and Heather their privacy while they talked and faded into the darkening night.