Let me tell you about a recent trip to London that I will never forget about.
It all started when Dad had to go to London for a business trip. The firm invited Dad to stay at one of the chic London city hotels to conduct business during the weekend.
Dad likes family trips, so he bought tickets for the whole family. This is how this whole business-shopping trip got started.
I guess this is how the modern world works. International business men like Dad are flying around the world to places like New York, London, Tokyo, and Paris, turning their business priority into a trip of pleasure. In Mom's case a shopping trip on High Street with Dad's credit card in hand!
I am totally ecstatic about the trip because I have always wanted to check out the three icons of London: the Big Ben clock tower, the red telephone boxes, and the London double-decker bus.
As I am mentally preparing myself for the trip, I am curious about how my world famous fart clouds are going to work on top of these red London double-decker busses.
I can't wait to get to the airport and as long as I am feeling free to express my fart art during the trip and as long as I am not being groped by some lunatic from the border control, I am totally looking forward to this adventure.
By the way, I have always wanted to visit London's High Street to check out if the rules of nature and gravity are the same overseas.
The whole family needs a little break from the usual eating habits. This trip is a true blessing to all of us.
I know that London truly rocks when it comes to spicy and cultural food. I am wondering what is going to happen if I am having some spicy Indian legumes instead of Mexican beans.
Yesterday night, our first night in London, was a truly whopping success. We were having a fun and blasting night at a multicultural Indian gourmet food restaurant in Soho.
Today Dad is busy with his London job. It turns out that the kids are sick from the spicy Indian food. They have to stay in bed during the whole trip because they have some weird poop diarrhea thing going on.
Guess what?
Mom does not lose much time over Dad's business priority or the diarrhea kids. She turns into a complete shopping nut.
Mom could not have hoped for any better shopping conditions. She turns her plans into reality with High Street shopping, and I am the lucky shopping assistant at her side.
As soon we are arriving on High Street, Mom turns into a shopping freak zombie.
I do not share her passion for High Street glamour because my focal point is getting on the red double-decker bus for obvious reasons.
Earlier that morning I heard Dad say to Mom: "You know the phrase "High Street banks" has been widely used to refer to the retail banking sector in the UK. Isn't that some interesting fact?"
Mom didn't know about this fact. She was not too impressed with Dads banking knowledge neither!
Obviously, Dad has a totally different vision and idea about the meaning of High Street. He is probably even ignoring the fact that Mom is going to spend a small fortune on High Street later today.
Unfortunately, Dad is busy with work, and he has to accept Mom's passion for fashion. I have to accept the fact that this shopping tour is not going to include a red double-decker bus ride!
I am getting hit with a real funky and over-the-top wacky feeling of loss as we are approaching Kensington Street.
Mom is shouting out in pure delight: "I absolutely must have this vintage military wear; it looks killer!
Mom goes on: "This fluorescent orange flares look totally from the 70s, and this turn-of-the-century brocade gown is going to be perfectly matching my new fringe hairstyle!"
The situation is even getting worse because Mom's knowledge of High Street chic qualifies her for VIP treatment, and she is being treated with more courtesy than the Queen!
Hahahahahahahahahaha - Mom the High Street VIP shopping Queen!
At this point in time and like 5 hours into the shopping craze I am getting extremely keen on releasing my own kind of expressive fart art!
As I am mentally getting ready for my fart art presentation, Mom is in the middle of brushing up her fashion knowledge on the sales floor.
The red headed sales girl with a funny looking freckle face and frizzled hair, Zazisa Zizzlefrizzle is asking Mom: "It is easy to be a consumer in this magnificent city of London. I am wondering don't you love to shop in places like New York and LA?"
Mom to Zazisa Zizzlefrizzle: "Oh gosh, I love New York and LA, but the High Street of London has so much European flair. I am going crazy for old fashioned shopping the London style!"
Zazisa Zizzlefrizzle continues the fun conversation with some valuable shopping tips for Mom: "Yes, it is true The High Street is a magnet for women who love to shop. May I give you some of the most valuable High Street shopping suggestions to make your trip unforgettable?"
Mom at that point hugely inspired by the shoe collection is telling Zazisa Zizzlefrizzle to go on with everything the sales girl has to offer.
Zazisa Zizzlefrizzle is going on: "If you are shopping in London you must be very patient. Never buy everything you like in one fell swoop. Especially when shopping for vintage pieces always take your time and compare the fashionable items. Like this you will get more bang for your buck."
The sales girl goes on with her expertise: "Oxford Street is lovely and easily accessible. It is the most popular shopping destination. Oxford Street is High Street shopping at its finest. Oxford shoppers often wander off the beaten path to find hidden gems on the side streets. Once you are done with Oxford Street, hop over to Notting Hill. I am a vintage fashion lover myself. You must see this impressive collection of vintage clothing there. It is bloody fantastic!"
Zazisa Zizzlefrizzle continues to jabber on: "While you are at Notting Hill, you certainly must stop by the Portobello Road Market, one of the most diverse and unique London markets. From Canary Wharf catch the tube to Regent Street for some reasonable prized fashion items.
Regent Street is well known, and you will find London's oldest and most traditional High Street stores. Of course do not forget Harrod's on Brompton Road in Knightsbridge!"
What a painful shopping trip I am thinkin to myself and I am secretly hoping that Mom has enough of this babbling red head's shopping wisdom!
Thank's God Mom finally is paying for her expensive vintage stuff, and we are leaving the shop.
At this point, I am truly desperate to do some smart sightseeing tourist stuff like the red double-decker bus, Buckingham Palace, Piccadilly Circus, St Paul's Cathedral, Tower Bridge, Trafalgar Square, The London Underground, and hopefully some funky multi cultural places with spicy food!
Back on the street level, a thick cloud of perfume is almost killing me. I truly have enough of this ridiculous High Street shopping goodness for now!
I am aware of the fact that I quickly have to come up with a smashing gag to give this place a bit of my true personality, and right on the spot I am creating the High Street smasher.
It is as easy as 1-2-3. I guarantee that the High Street smasher will add some fun moments to the High Street life.
The High Street smasher will work anywhere around the globe, and you can use it in Japan, Hong Kong, Berlin, Amsterdam, Vienna, Egypt, New Delhi, Beijing , Bangkok, Sydney, Paris, Dubai, and in any other city you like!
So here is what you do to freak out the elegant ladies and gents on High Street:
Step 1: Prep Work
Once you are on the finest Street of town or otherwise called High Street, you can get started with the usual prep work.
Step 2: Motivational Work
Remember on High Street you need to go incognito. You are aiming for the sneaky fart cloud.
As you are walking down High Street, visualize yourself as the super spy fart hero that works his magic via the underground style!
I also like to call this the 007 top secret flatulent farting cloud method or the James Bond flatulentia. I am sure you can come up with other creative names for this super secret spy fart explosion.
Just remember one thing that applies to the Hight Street smasher. You do not want to get caught in a foreign country.
Step 3: Getting Ready To Shoot
You are aiming for the classic High Street backshot. The classic backshot is the simplest and easiest move in my book of flatulent fart explosions.
This classic shot is the easiest to apply, and it does not matter whether you are a fart cloud amateur or a more advanced bean blower.
Step 4: Action Work
The next step is the sneaky speeding spitwad bottom belch. If you do this right the ladies and gents around you won't know what hit 'em!
Step 5: More Action Work
Make sure to keep 'em coming out short! While the high society ladies and gentlemen are cluelessly wrinkling their elitist noses, they will never guess what truly hit them!
Remember to apply these 3 golden rules for High Street bottom belcher success:
1. Stay under cover & go incognito
2. Use the classic shot
3. Short vapor style shots work best
If you are using these 3 golden rules on High Street all evidence of the flatulent vapor clouds will vanish into the nostrils of the elegant ladies and gentlemen without any trace of suspicion. The rest of the flatulent and rotten matter is going to dissolve into the dark clouds in the sky above.
Do not turn your head because you do not want to draw any suspicion.
One of my good friends Mister Brittlewhistle caused a mighty fashionable lady to faint right on High Street, and he got into deep trouble with the law.
Do not eat too spicy the night before because, remember, you are on foreign ground and you do not want to get into any kind of trouble during your trip.
My friend Mister Brittlewhistle was a terrifically flatulent bean blower, and he forgot to apply the incognito rule while visiting some religious country somewhere in the Eastern world.
An elderly lady who was walking directly behind him fainted on the street. There were several witnesses on the street and Mister Brittlewhistle got busted and held by the police.
I do not remember the country. Later he told me that anything related to farting, pooping, burping, and spitting on the street was against the law in this country. Everybody who got caught had to pay a $1000 fine.
The poor family was held for interrogation, and they had to leave the country the very next day.
Make sure not to get into any trouble like my friend Brittlewhistle. Always make sure to stick to the 3 golden fart rules when you are in public!
You never know what nut crack you might hit with your flatulent cloud explosion. You always must protect yourself and your family before you hit your target on foreign ground.
I hope you enjoyed the High Street smasher, and I see you on the next episode.
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