Have you ever wondered why your Mom is such a vacuum cleaning maniac?
If your Mom is not, congratulations!
I have never seen a normal Mom, except maybe our neighbor Misses Sizzledrizzle.
I think Misses Sizzledrizzle has some weird baking obsession going on so she probably might not be a good example.
Don't get me wrong, I would not mind the vacuum cleaner too much, but I hate the loud and deafening sound of it and my Mom truly is an abuser.
Do you know how you can change this? Yeah, blow up the vacuum bag with your gaseous-flatulent-steamy clouds and sit back and relax! The hoover popper is what I call autopilot goodness on steroids!
Hold this autopilot idea because I am coming back to it in one minute.
I gotta tell you; it is official my Mom is a cleaning manic nut. Even if there is no trace of dirt or dust on the floor, Mom takes out her hoover and terrorizes everyone that is around.
Mom is truly giving us a tough time with her hoover cleaning mania. Mom loves her cleaning tools, and last week she got seriously obsesses with a new cleaning tool called the floor whiffer.
Floor whiffer - hahahahahaahhahahahahahahahahaha!
What a fun name for a cleaning utensil.
The name whiffer makes me think of another fart cleaning episode that I might be adding to my fart collection in the future.
Our neighbor Misses Sizzledrizzle, for example, is at least a homemaker. She is making delightful treats for her family and their dog, Bladderpop.
I do not mind the cooking and baking because it smells delicious and Bladderpop the neighbor dog is truly blessed because Misses Sizzledrizzle is even baking cookies for him.
Mom never treats me with self-made dog treats because Mom can't even cook or bake.
Yes, Mom is a real nut cracker when it comes to friendly Southern hospitality and delicious Southern home cooked meals.
I know it is a shame. My Dad convinced my Mom to move to the South in order to enjoy a happy and enjoyable lifestyle, including the rich and tasty kitchen of Savannah. Savannah is a tranquil place to live in and my Dad who is a true master in the art of living certainly loves the rich Southern local food.
Guess what Mom does? She can't handle or cook the Southern food, and she calls the local caterer for food delivery!
Don't get me wrong; Mom's caterer is the best caterer in town and the whole family loves the deliverd food. The caterer is not the issue here, but Mom simply refuses to mess up her kitchen. She does not even like to cook the most simple homemade meal the Southern style. Dad would love to come home to a simple typical meal from the South like the folks from Savannah have enjoyed it for centuries.
He always asks Mom: "Please can you make a simple Southern meal with fresh corn bread and yams?"
Mom answers back to Dad: "What exactly do you want? I am calling your favorite take out place. They know how to prepare all this typical local Southern food and I don't!"
Anyways, Mom has her way and personality which does not include typical Southern homemade meal plans or sharing Mississippi mud cake recipes with the neighbors.
Whenever Mom sees a mess in her kitchen, she screams in disgust: "Gosh, how uncivilized!"
Dad calls Mom lovely names like "Military Babe", "Hoover Girl", "Super Cleaning Woman", and other flattering names like that.
Anyways, this episode is not about misses Sizzledrizzle's baking talent, or about Dad's love for Southern hospitality, or about Mom's caterer.
None of the above because this episode is about the hoover popper experience.
Poor Dad will probably never enjoy a yummy home cooked meal or a Southern mud pie with pudding filling as long as Mom runs the kitchen.
We are all aware of the fact that Mom has no fantasy when it comes to cooking and baking of delicious pies, cakes, and cookies. She has no single spark of creativity in her bones. Her son Timmie on the other hand is blessed with artistic talent, and he truly uses his creative mind.
You know about the one single thing that Mom is good with?
Mom can push a button!
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Mom the "Button Pushing Vacuum Cleaning Lunatic!"
I hope you are getting the big picture of what is going on in this mad house.
Mom, the weird vacuum cleaning robot is truly a threat to the sanity of this whole family.
During the week, Dad is not there, so he is only touched by Mom's cleaning insanity on Sundays.
Timmie and Susie are lucky because they are spending most of their time at school or at sporting events.
Guess who is the one that has to suffer from Mom's cleaning insanity?
Yes, you guessed it! I am the sufferer!
This nerve wracking cleaning behavior is the reason why I came up with the idea of the hoover popper a few weeks ago. Mom's push button mania got so bad so that I had to quickly come up with a solution.
The hoover popper kind of came to me in a spark. I was watching Mom take out the vacuum cleaner for like the 50th time in one day, and Mom truly reminded me of a robotic button pusher zombie.
I knew that I had to come up with something in order to safe the sanity of the family.
I got the technique down real quick because the power of the vacuum cleaner is almost doing the job for me on complete autopilot!
I have summarized the steps for the hoover popper for easy reference.
1. Sneak right next to Mom's beloved hoover when Mom is out of sight.
2. Time is of utmost priority, and you must use it wisely. Keep an eye on Mom because you do not want to get caught!
3. As the maniac cleaner is busy clearing out the room for maximum cleaning space, go ahead and fill the vacuum cleaner bag with some extra fort and steamy flatulent air. Pump up the bag like a balloon that is almost ready to burst.
4. All you have to do is wait and pray because the rest of the work is done for you on autopilot and in a true automatic push button style!
I guess, "Lazy Button Pusher Popper" or "Lazy Push Button Hoover Popper" are some other good names for this one because all it takes is one single push of a button.
5. Find yourself a warm cosy place from where you can watch the fun.
How did this lazy button pusher popper story end, you might be asking?
Here we go with the bean shooting star action!
Once Mom has set up her cleaning space the way she likes it, she comes back to press the big red button.
The moment the power is going on the whole damn hoover thing is flying around like a firecracker.
The hoover stink bomb is flying up to the ceiling from where the flatulent firework explosion is getting hurled back down on the floor in lightning speed.
And Guess what?
Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, the electric power works like magic (hence lazy push button hoover popper).
The balloon-looking vacuum cleaning bag is exploding in one booooooooming sound!
The bloated balloon bag is exploding in a matter of seconds. Yes, this hoover popper explosion is getting started with just one lazy push of a button - magical isn't it?
The rotten muddy mess is hitting the ceilling fan in lightning speed and flinging back toward open mouth Mom's feet.
From there it crashes through the wood flooring of the first floor in a zoooooming sound and in lightning speed like a coup de foudre!
Finally, the flying stink ball is hitting the ground floor.
Let me tell you what is happening next!
The stinky Hoover explosion stops a few inches from lucky open mouth Dad's feet.
Dad manages to close his mouth in disbelief. He scratches his head and inspects what has been left over from this horror hoover freak show.
At that point in time, Mom only has one troubled and obsessed thought in her mind.
What's that you might ask?
Checking out the condition of the hoover!
Can you believe this?
She is worried about the condition of the hoover and not the condition of Dad!
In a state of shock, Dad is screaming in despair: "What is going on in this house of madness?"
Everybody is like freaked out, and they are all screaming and running around like the people in the loony bin.
Gosh, this flying hoover shooting star sounds like an earthquake hit the ground.
Even the Sizzledrizzle's, our neigbors, are confused. They are asking Mom and Dad if they heard this deafening earthquake that just happened.
This is yet another example that proves that an insignificant thing can cause an enormous disaster.
Nobody of course was able to suspect a puppy's gassy bottom to cause such an energetic outcome!
This my friends is the story of the hoover popper or the lazy push button popper or whatever you like to call it.
Happy Hoover bean popping to all of you!
Audiobook:
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