Chapter 27

Justine

It was dark when Tom and I headed to the beach. He held my hand, and I walked blindly toward the sound of the surf, my feet sinking in the powdery sand. The moon was hidden behind clouds, and the blackness was so complete I couldn’t see my hand in front of my face. Slowly my eyes adjusted to the darkness and I could make out his form, like a ghost emerging from the shadows. He smiled over at me as he pulled me toward the edge of the surf. I slipped off my shoes and let the water cover my toes.

“Thanks for meeting me,” he said. “I know it was a risk.”

“For both of us,” I said. “You have as much to lose as I do.”

“And yet, tonight, we have so much to gain.” He pulled me into an embrace, our bodies lining up as we stood there, shoulder touching shoulder, leg touching leg, stomach touching stomach. I could feel him breathe, smell the scent of his skin. I had never wanted anything more, not even when we were kids.

“I’m just sorry I couldn’t get away sooner. I had to figure out a way to get away from Ariel. Luckily, she got distracted.” I smiled to myself, thinking of Ariel slipping away with that good-looking guy. It alleviated my guilt and gave me ammunition in case she started asking too many questions. I guess nobody was immune to the temptations of life outside the bounds of marriage. Even Ariel with her continual broodings about how much she loved David.

“Where does she think you are?” he asked, pulling me onto a patch of dry sand so we could sit. I tried to sit down gracefully in my too-short dress but gave up and sort of fell onto the sand. I thought of what I was wearing underneath the dress and felt guilt surge, then die out. I could deal with guilt later. Tonight was for us.

“She thinks I went out dancing with people I met at the club.”

“You party animal,” he said, elbowing me in the side.

“Yeah, that’s me. A party animal.”

His voice changed, deepened with what I recognized as longing. “I’m glad you chose to come here with me.” He reached over and pulled me to him. Kissing him already felt as natural as breathing. As though I had never stopped.

We kissed for a while, the heat between us deepening and intensifying. He broke away, and I felt my lips burn, my entire body crying out for … more. “My hotel’s right there,” he said.

He seemed hesitant, unsure, which I liked. I didn’t want to be a foregone conclusion. Every part of my body was saying yes, even as my head fired off reasons I should say no. I knew that standing up, taking his hand, and following him up to that hotel was against everything I had said I believed up to that point. I had stood in front of the mothers’ group and talked about honoring your husband, sang solos in church about allegiance. I knew that making this one choice would follow me for the rest of my life. I knew that the people who waited for me at home would be affected by me whispering the word yes.

I thought of Mark and his kindness, the look on his face when he came home after he’d been fired. I thought of my little girls—how they loved their daddy, how they trusted me to take care of them. I thought about taking the only home they’d ever known—their security—from them. I thought about my mom and dad standing in the driveway as I drove away, unknowingly enabling me to get to this place, this moment, the trusting looks on their faces. Tom kissed me again, ran his hand through my hair and sent shivers up my spine.

I pulled away.

“What? What is it?” His hand traveled up my arm to my face and caressed my cheek. “Are you scared?”

I nodded, swallowed, waited for my lips to stop tingling from his kiss. If I stopped now it would be hard, but I could still go forward. I could tell Mark. We could go to counseling. We could try to heal from the job loss and this … indiscretion of mine. We could sell the house, get away from Tom, and somehow make a new start. I could do the work it would take to save my family. I was good at fulfilling the expectations of others. I could do that.

“It’s okay to be scared,” he said, interrupting my thoughts, tracing his hand up and down my arm. “You don’t ever let anyone see you scared, do you? You think you have to be so brave for everyone. To put on this face of perfection and never let anyone down.”

He pulled back and studied me for a moment. His voice was hypnotic as he said things I had waited all my life to hear. “It’s time for you to let someone—let me—take care of you for a change.”

The moon came out from behind the clouds, and I could see his face as clearly as if it were daylight. I saw real love reflected in his eyes. I saw this face that I wanted to look at for the rest of my life. And in that moment I knew I had to have it.

“Will you let me take care of you?” he asked.

I thought of Mark telling me it was my turn to take care of the family, assuring me I had what it took to support us. I saw the way he sat on the couch, never reaching for me that day he lost his job. Mark never saw me clearly. Even on a dark night, Tom saw me. He saw through to my soul. How could I turn away from that?

“Yes,” I whispered. “Yes. I will let you.” I lifted my hand to him, and he took it, pulling me to stand and walk with him toward his hotel.

When dawn broke, I slipped from the bed as Tom slept. I pulled on my black dress and disappeared to avoid a morning encounter I wasn’t ready for. I knew that everything had changed, that I could never go back. But during the cab ride back to the condo, I knew I wouldn’t want to. Bad or good, I had a new future now.