Sue Klebold
A Fallen Son
“There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.”
—Martin Luther King Jr.
On April 20, 1999, two teenage boys, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, walked into Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado, armed with high-powered weapons, and opened fire, murdering twelve students and a teacher and wounding more than twenty others. After exchanging gunfire with the police, both shooters took their own lives in the school library, leaving the world and their families in shock, with a host of unanswered questions. While their stated goal was to carry out a school bombing that would have rivaled the 1995 Oklahoma City bombing, the boys’ motive for killing so many innocent people was unknown and remains a mystery to this day. Tragically, the Columbine shooting has acted as a blueprint for many mass shootings that have occurred since.
Dylan Klebold, who was said to have struggled with depression, wrote in his journal that the idea of killing himself gave him hope for a final escape from his dark thoughts. His mother, Sue Klebold, was unaware of her son’s feelings. Dylan’s final act showed Sue how little she had known about his inner turmoil. This horrific event left the town of Littleton and the rest of the world pointing blame at the boys’ parents, asking what kind of people could let this happen. Sue was left with the same questions as she reflected on her role as a mother. She had always considered motherhood the most important role of her life, and one that she took great pride in. Suddenly, she felt as if she were on trial. “The whole world held us responsible. Our own governor went on national television to say this was the parents’ fault.” What the world didn’t take into consideration was that, while Sue was enduring the hatred of the world, she was also grieving the loss of her son, whom she loved deeply.
Coping with the devastating loss of so many innocent people in addition to her son was, and still is, an agonizing process for Sue. From the moment she learned what her son had done, she questioned how it was possible for the boy she thought she knew so well to have committed such a heinous act. “I could not understand how Dylan could have been there that day. None of us who knew Dylan and loved him thought he was ever capable of any kind of violence, because he just wasn’t a violent kid. He was a gentle, sort of pacifistic person. We thought, ‘Well, maybe this was some kind of a prank that had gone wrong, or he’s been brainwashed and he didn’t intend to be there.’ We really believed things like that until we saw the police report that came out six months later.”
The immediate feelings of loss, confusion, and shock that Sue experienced changed when she heard the police account of the shooting. She had been in a state of denial. That shifted when she gained some clarity on how those in her community, and across the world, viewed her son. “I finally got to see the person who everyone else saw, and that was the one moment when I almost hated him. Up until that point, I was feeling sympathetic, like something went wrong, he didn’t intend to be there, it wasn’t planned, or it was some spontaneous thing. I believed everything other than the truth, because I couldn’t wrap my arms around that. When I saw the sheriff’s presentation and the tape the kids had made, and it was so full of posturing and anger and loathing—they were just so horrible and cold-blooded—that was the point I think I really felt anger at Dylan. Because I could hear he was venting his anger against the world, against people he knew, family members. He was so overcome with disdain. I’d never seen anything like that.”
Shocked by her son’s overwhelming hatred and his eagerness to cut short so many innocent lives, Sue felt as if his actions were unforgivable. But ultimately, her role as his mother allowed her to transcend her anger and seek a deeper understanding of Dylan’s struggles. “The mother’s love for him just completely obliterated any anger I had. I couldn’t sustain anger when I had a broken heart and was missing him so much. Sometimes people hate their loved ones who perpetrate violence, and blame them for years. That wasn’t my personal experience. My experience was concluding that he had to be in some horrible place to become the person that I saw, and it was my job as his mother to try to figure out how he got there—what that place was.”
Sue learned that her son had been struggling with thoughts of suicide. It was “his own mind, his own distortion, his own suffering that put him in that place.” Learning how much pain he was suffering allowed her to let go of her anger while seeking answers. “I can’t use the word ‘forgive’—I think the word that I would use is ‘understand.’ As soon as we try to understand why someone has done what they’ve done, the need for forgiveness just goes out the window. If you have empathy, there is no need to forgive, because you understand, you’re walking in their shoes, you have their frame of mind, and that feeling of blame just goes away.” Sue tries to be kind to herself, to not blame herself for not being aware of her son’s demons, but it is something she cannot fully resolve. “I know that I raised him to have love and morality and respect for his fellow man. I did everything I knew to instill those things, so I don’t feel that I put that kind of hatred in him.” Knowing that she did all she could to raise a loving human being has helped her to manage her sorrow and humiliation.
Sue’s situation and her relationship to the concept of forgiveness may be difficult for others to understand. While many people may instinctively feel anger toward the parents of a school shooter—blaming them for their child’s actions—she explains that anger and forgiveness are equally hard for her to accept from others. “One thing that’s always been difficult for me is when someone says, ‘I forgive you.’ That makes me feel defensive, because I wonder, ‘What are you forgiving me for?’ I was the best mother I knew how to be. I didn’t know what my child was going through. I would have done anything in the world to prevent what happened if I had known. Forgiveness can carry a kind of superiority, or condescension, or even self-righteousness. When we talk about forgiving others, we have to be mindful that forgiving somebody else puts us in a position where we in some way are feeling superior to another human being. We are saying, ‘I forgive you,’ as if we are bestowing on them some great gift that they should be worthy of.”
It has been challenging for Sue to have so many people offer her forgiveness. “I don’t want to be forgiven, because that implies that I’ve done something wrong for which I need to be forgiven. What Dylan did was unforgivable. My own work with forgiveness centers around my relationship with him. If I would ever come face-to-face with Dylan again, the first thing I would say to him is: ‘Can you forgive me? Can you forgive me for not being the kind of person who you could trust? For not being knowledgeable enough to know that you were suffering, to know the right words to say, to know how to help you?’ That is where my struggle has been, and I’ve come to the conclusion that as a mother who’s lost a child to suicide, we can never fully forgive ourselves.”
Sue knows that she will never get over her son’s suicide, and she is left with the conviction that his is the only forgiveness that would truly matter to her. In his absence, she is left with feelings of guilt and sadness that she was unable to be a better mother to her son, who so desperately needed help. “I don’t know of a single parent or loved one of someone who died from suicide who completely forgives themselves. In our minds, that person chose to leave us. Even when we tried our best and they were in treatment . . . and Dylan was not. He didn’t have any kind of diagnosis. The hard, hard work is forgiving ourselves.” When someone approaches Sue to forgive her, she reminds herself, “Forgiveness is a gift we give to ourselves. If others are able to give themselves the gift of forgiving me, it’s really not about me at all—it’s about them. And that’s a good thing for them. I understand that need completely.”
Sue has struggled to live without her son. “I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never really forgive myself. And that’s okay, because why should I beat myself up for not forgiving myself? I have plenty of other things to beat myself up for. I accept that forgiving myself is probably the one thing I’ll never fully be able to do. But what I’ve done with that feeling is that I’ve tried to turn it into action.” Sue lives every day in memory of her son Dylan, trying to spread awareness and help other parents who might be in a similar situation, in the hopes of guiding them toward a healthy resolution. “I try to live my life dedicated to Dylan’s memory, and try to think what might have helped him. That’s why I talk to people. I talk to parents, and I talk to teachers, and school personnel, and law enforcement, and say, ‘There are some things we’ve got to understand about people who are suffering, and in Dylan’s case, people who are enraged and suffering simultaneously. That can make them dangerous.’” The fact that Sue was unable to detect her son’s depression and give him the help he needed will always haunt her.
When it comes to living a life free from anger, Sue is quick to say that she has never been the type to carry anger, and does not consider herself an angry person now. While she is clear that she has left any negative feelings behind her, she doesn’t want to live without the memory of her son. Preserving his memory is important to her. “I don’t want freedom from him. I don’t ever want to put this down, because it’s what keeps me close to Dylan.” It is the idea that she or someone might have been able to prevent her son from taking his own life and the lives of so many others that leaves Sue wanting to share her knowledge. “What I feel inside is this ache in my heart because I believe that tragedies such as this can be prevented. I really believe that suicide can be prevented if we have the right tools and resources and do and say the right things when someone is in crisis. I didn’t have the knowledge, but if I had, it might have changed what happened. But it’s that feeling of knowing that I might have helped someone and didn’t that has made me put those feelings into action and say to myself, ‘Share the tools. Tell people what you wish you’d known. Tell them what you wish you’d said.’”
Sue hopes that her message will reach the countless people who have been touched by suicide and that it will help others avoid the losses that she and her community have suffered. “Trying to help others is my way of sending love to all those who were killed and injured, every minute of every day.” It is the memory of her son that allows her to spread awareness and educate those who may be in a similar situation to hers. She hopes that, somewhere, Dylan is feeling the love that his mother has for him—a love that shows in all the work she does in his memory. “I will never really forgive myself, because I never want to let myself forget that there were things I could have done. I don’t want anyone to forget that we must never stop trying to help. If there are any hidden gifts to be found in all the years of sorrow, perhaps it’s greater empathy for mankind and deeper understanding of the many ways that life can be painful.”
While Sue is uncomfortable with the idea of others forgiving her, she is also very clear that if she had been in the shoes of a family whose child was killed, she would feel the same way toward her that some of them do. “I know in my heart that if it had been the other way around and my son had been killed by one of their children, I’m certain that I would have felt anger and judgment.” One of her struggles has been with the blame the governor and the nation put on her after the shooting. “Assigning blame never promotes healing. Ever. So it was hard for me to accept and forgive that. But it was that level of blame that sparked in me a need to educate, because if people were ignorant enough to believe in such a simple explanation, it was my call to action. It made me stand up and say, ‘Wait a minute—this isn’t why this happened. And if people believe that this is the reason, they’re putting themselves in greater danger.’ I don’t like ignorance, and I want to do everything I can to eradicate it.”
Sue has had time and distance from the mass of people who blamed her for the Columbine shooting. While she doesn’t believe in the concept of forgiving those who put the blame for her son’s actions on her, she knows that being resentful is a waste of her energy. “I don’t forgive people. I don’t need to forgive people. I think the whole concept of forgiving people is egocentric and egotistical. This is why this discussion is so difficult to have—because I understand that my forgiving someone else isn’t about my relationship with that person. It’s about my relationship with myself. I am willing to let go of anger, because letting go of that anger is going to make me feel happier. That’s really what the whole discussion of forgiveness is about. It’s not between you and that person—it’s between you and yourself.” Instead of using the word “forgiveness,” Sue prefers to focus on other words, such as “balance,” “integration,” “recovery,” and “empathy.” She believes that all of us on earth are equal, and that the act of telling someone that you forgive them creates an inequality, giving the forgiver the upper hand.
Twenty years after the Columbine shooting—twenty years after losing her son—the hardest thing for Sue is working on forgiving herself. “I still think our hardest task is forgiving ourselves. I will never stop accepting the responsibility that there were things I could have done to prevent this terrible tragedy, if I had only known what those things were.” She will always regret not knowing how desperate her son had become, and she will always carry the burden of wondering if she could’ve done more had she been aware of her son’s pain. Before Dylan took his own life, Sue had never thought much about forgiveness. Though this tragedy has given her a much more profound understanding of the process, it has not shaken her conviction that forgiving someone is a gift you can only give to yourself. “I think I took a deeper dive into what forgiveness means, but I don’t think that dive changed how I feel about it.”
I am sure some people who read Sue’s story will have conflicting feelings about her views on forgiveness. Some may read this and feel they can relate, while others won’t, and that’s okay. When we hear horrible stories like this one, we don’t usually think of how challenging it might be for the family of the person who caused so much pain. Instead, we think of the victims whose lives were taken and their families, who were suddenly left with a new reality. It’s difficult to imagine the sort of suffering Sue has experienced in the past twenty years. Like so many parents who lost children on that tragic day, she is left with a terrible emptiness—a hole where so much love and hope for the future had been stored. But while other parents received sympathy, Sue received anger. I can see how the forgiveness of others might seem like cold comfort to a mother forced to carry a double burden of grief and guilt—grief for a child she loved so dearly, and guilt over never knowing his pain and not being able to reach him and help him in time.
Sue’s view of forgiveness was one I had never heard before. At first, I wasn’t able to relate to her perspective. For her, saying “I forgive you” feels like a declaration loaded with condescension, which now I can understand. I don’t have the same reaction to hearing those words, so my own experience of forgiveness is different. But my conversation with Sue further proved to me how complex and layered the topic of forgiveness truly is. What forgiveness means to me could be something completely different from what it is for you—and that’s okay. It is only with open and honest conversation, and compassion, that we will deepen our understanding of forgiveness and adapt our behavior accordingly for our own growth.
All profits that Sue Klebold has earned from her book, A Mother’s Reckoning, have been donated to mental health organizations and to support research into suicide prevention.