Iskra Lawrence
Embracing Beauty
“Life, that ever needs forgiveness, has, for its first duty, to forgive.”
—Edward Bulwer-Lytton
The journey to find self-love wasn’t an easy one for Iskra Lawrence. Bombarded by ideals of beauty throughout her childhood—from movies to billboards—she absorbed a distorted image of how she should look and act in order to one day grace the pages of glamour magazines. At thirteen, she entered the world of modeling by way of an Elle-sponsored competition for young supermodels. As she navigated the dizzying world of agencies and photo shoots, she was given a hard lesson in the math of modeling: “Your hips should be thirty-four inches, your waist should be twenty-four inches, you need to be at least five-nine, with clear skin and smooth, healthy hair and straight white teeth.” She also recalls being given a rating on a scale of one to ten by the modeling agencies. Iskra took this number to heart. She says she “saw it as competing against myself and this ideal.” Whatever the agencies told her she needed to have, she wanted it.
Iskra recalls going to any length necessary in order to achieve what these agencies were searching for. As a teenager, she turned to magazines to guide her in her pursuit of perfection. She tried all the fad diets touted by celebrities. Little by little, she internalized the unnatural ideals that were asked of her. “You get addicted to that feeling of measuring yourself, seeing the results, because you’re essentially starving yourself, restricting yourself, or exercising to the point of exhaustion. And you just wanted to see more results; you wanted to get closer to that goal.” As she immersed herself in the modeling world, her perspective became completely distorted. As she says, “This desire to be slim and to attain this perfected beauty ideal consumed me—consumed my thoughts, my passions, my drives.” Each morning, she looked in the mirror and hated what she saw. “I would hold parts of my body that had the most fat on them—I would grab them and want them to disappear. I’d google operations that would make my calves smaller.” Iskra was being smothered by self-loathing: “Layers and layers of hatred and disgust for your own body, wishing you could just cut chunks off your body just to get smaller.”
Finally, her self-loathing reached a breaking point. She realized that by continuing this destructive behavior, she was disrespecting the body that God had created and “that isn’t meant to be perfect.” It was at this point that she discovered plus-size modeling. Ironically, after visiting an agency specifically catering to plus-size models, Iskra was told that she was too small. She was left wondering if she would ever be able to fit anyone’s ideals of true beauty. She was forced to reexamine her relationship to the modeling world—forced to ask herself whether “all this effort, all this time, all this sacrifice, all this pain and hate and hurt has really been for nothing. I’m just losing this battle and not living my life and not being happy—every single day just investing time into this fruitless mission to try to change this body into something it can’t be and it’s not meant to be.” She questioned why the modeling agency drove people to hate themselves, rather than highlighting the unique beauty within. Iskra was determined to prove that there are a variety of ways “to model, to have a body, to feel beautiful and portray different types of beauty in this world.” This quickly became her mission: “I switched from changing myself and my body to trying to change the industry.”
Iskra shifted her ambition away from impossible standards and toward becoming the best version of herself—but it wasn’t easy. “In my head, I thought, ‘I will never be on the cover of Vogue or in these editorials and be the face of a beautiful fragrance campaign.’ I had to rethink all of my dreams and goals, and realize that actually maybe I can just be the model that I want to see.” She realized that perhaps she had gone through all the body image struggle for a reason; perhaps God had a calling for her that was much bigger than she ever knew. She decided to take ownership of her struggle and use her experience of feeling “less than” to help others who might be in a similar place.
Iskra began by talking to her friends, openly and honestly, sharing her journey and letting them know that they were not alone. Then she expanded the conversation through social media channels, reaching a far wider audience than she’d ever dreamed of reaching before. She spoke candidly about her eating disorder, her insecurities, and her challenges with body dysmorphia. By baring her insecurities online to people all over the world, Iskra began her journey of healing and forgiveness.
At first, Iskra felt a need to forgive her body for the pain it had caused her. But she soon realized that she really needed to forgive herself for “allowing that power to overtake my life and to have this control.” She had to forgive herself for letting her eating disorder and body dysmorphia consume so much of her life. She had to become aware that, while those struggles were a part of her story, they did not define her. This first step was the hardest—“forgiving myself, because part of me sees other people who didn’t waste that time.” She had to confront the fact that she had allowed herself to fall victim to unhealthy standards and that she had tortured her body to suit the tastes of others. “I had to forgive myself. I was young. I was essentially mentally ill, with an eating disorder and body dysmorphia, and was struggling with the whole thing by myself in secret. So that definitely was a huge part of forgiveness.”
As part of Iskra’s journey of forgiveness, she created a practice she calls the “mirror challenge”: “Getting in front of the mirror and looking at my body and telling my body, ‘I love you.’ And instead of seeing the things that I before saw through the lens of self-hatred, looking at my body and finding out why I appreciate it and why I value it and why I should be celebrating it. Yes, my thighs are bigger, but that means they’re super strong and that means I can jump really high.” This act of looking in the mirror, picking out parts of her body that she’d once viewed as flawed and instead celebrating them, was a big step in learning to forgive herself and showing her body the love that she had been withholding. “Your skin, your body—all of you deserves loving language.” After years of self-criticism, Iskra has made this mirror practice a daily ritual, and it’s become a vital part of her journey.
There are still times when negative self-talk creeps back into Iskra’s thoughts. On those days, she reminds herself of all the things she has to be grateful for. “Gratitude is huge,” she says. She practices gratitude in front of the mirror and by leaving little notes to herself that she’ll rediscover throughout the day. Part of her process of forgiving is the awareness that there will be times when the negative self-talk returns, and she must forgive herself in those moments as well. “We have to be very forgiving for all of the emotions that we feel and the thoughts that we let enter our minds—be forgiving with that. Be gentle, be accepting.” It’s important to be realistic, to be aware that you will have great days and you will have bad days. Forgiveness allows Iskra to get past the bad days and move forward in a place of love.
Through her journey, Iskra has developed a mantra that puts her mind, body, and spirit in a place of love and acceptance. “The thing that instills deep confidence in myself is the phrase ‘I am enough.’ I use it in everyday scenarios, in every single part of my life—with relationships or at work—just knowing I am enough.” This beautiful phrase marks her triumph over the doubts and uncertainties that plagued her. It is an affirmation of her worth and an acceptance of her self. It is Iskra’s realization that “I deserve my own love and kindness, and anything that I decided to do or have done is okay, and was meant to be. I value everything that I’ve been through, and I use that to be the best possible person I can be every single day when I wake up.”
Many of us share the struggle to forgive ourselves for the shame we feel toward our bodies. Growing up in Los Angeles, I remember—from a very young age—feeling pressure to look like someone I wasn’t. I remember trying to keep myself under a certain weight, not liking my curves when I went through puberty, feeling like I didn’t know my own body when I gained weight in high school. I tortured myself by criticizing my body through the ups and downs of an unhealthy relationship, trying every fad diet I could find, taking diuretics and diet pills, and always talking about my body in a negative way to my girlfriends. I remember holding my body to impossible standards and not appreciating it for all its ability and health.
I, like many other women, can relate to Iskra’s journey from resenting your body to embracing it. As she mentioned, forgiving our bodies and ourselves is an ongoing practice. But making the decision to speak to your body in a kind and loving way—and thanking your body for its strength, health, and abilities—is a decision you can make any day.
Accepting our bodies is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves. Loving ourselves despite inevitable changes isn’t easy, but Iskra reminds me that having a practice—like her mirror ritual—is a great way to stay on track and to begin each day in a place of forgiveness, love, and acceptance for the bodies we have been given.