CHAPTER 1

Assertiveness and You

Be fair with others, but then keep after them until they’re fair with you.

— Alan Alda

Don’t let the title fool you. This book is not about getting your way. Our view of “your perfect right” means living on an equal footing with the other people in your life. We’re all about equality — balance — in your life and relationships. Consider this:

Do you like Ben & Jerry’s ice cream? Maybe Chunky Monkey or Chubby Hubby or Cherry Garcia or White Russian? (Hey, B&J, whatever happened to White Russian, anyway?)

Okay, it’s a loaded question. Who doesn’t like rich, premium ice cream? (Except, of course, for those unlucky folks who are lactose intolerant.) We ask because there’s an interesting story behind Ben & Jerry’s success in becoming an international brand.

In 1984, after Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield had built up an enviable reputation in the New England states for their “homemade” product, featuring Vermont cows on the label, they came close to extinction. It was about that time that Ben & Jerry’s ice cream really began to get noticed. So noticed, in fact, that Pillsbury, the parent company of Häagen-Dazs ice cream, began to tell its resellers they could not carry Ben & Jerry’s if they wanted to sell Häagen-Dazs. And, as you might guess, Pillsbury’s clout scared Ben & Jerry’s grocery outlets; most of them were ready to give up “Vermont’s finest.”

Fortunately for ice cream lovers everywhere, however, Ben and Jerry were not intimidated. In addition to antitrust legal action, they began a publicity campaign, under the slogan “What’s the Doughboy Afraid Of?” With leaflets, T-shirts, and bumper stickers, the Ben & Jerry’s team kept up the PR pressure while the topflight Boston legal counsel they engaged kept the antitrust negotiations on the front burner. After a year of lawsuits, countersuits, and priceless national publicity, the dispute was settled out of court, and Ben & Jerry’s became a premium ice-cream brand to be reckoned with. (If you’d like to follow up on the Ben & Jerry’s story, get a copy of Ben & Jerry’s: The Inside Scoop by Fred “Chico” Lager.)

Now, let’s be clear: this is not a book about ice cream, or about antitrust lawsuits, or even about David versus Goliath. (Well, maybe a little about David and Goliath.) We won’t show you how to punch out the guy who kicks sand in your face. Nor will you learn techniques for pushing to the front of the line or even winning a lawsuit. If you’re looking for lessons in how to manipulate others, you’re reading the wrong book. We believe there’s too much of that in the world already.

Our purpose here is to encourage people — like you — to balance the scales, just as Ben and Jerry did with Pillsbury back in the 1980s. And the process we’ve developed over five decades will help you do just that. We advise assertiveness as a tool for making your relationships more equal — for avoiding the one-down feeling that often comes when you fail to express what you really want and need. This approach to human relationships honors everyone, helping underdogs to level the playing field and express themselves while respecting the rights of others. What’s more, it works as well for conveying your positive feelings as it does for standing your ground.

So, How Does It Work?

The process itself is pretty straightforward. We’ll teach you some basic principles, give you some examples, and present a series of specific procedures for you to follow. Your part — if you decide to try this approach — is to read carefully, learn to recognize your own feelings and needs, and give the steps we’ve outlined a try.

Sound like a lot of work? It’s not really. It just takes persistence and a determination to make your life better. (Oh, and a little patience; it won’t happen overnight!)

Here’s an example of what we’re talking about:

Valerie looked at her watch: 7:15 p.m. She’d called Sean and left a message, but she knew he would be furious — or worried sick. Valerie’s boss had appeared at her desk at 4:55 and asked her to get his report ready for the board meeting at 8:15 in the morning. It wasn’t the first time.

Feelings of anger, confusion, and helplessness can result from situations like this. What can you do? How can you express your needs and feelings when such frustrations come up? There are no easy answers, but there are answers, if you’re willing to make the effort. It may require that you make some changes in your life.

Changing yourself is challenging, but you can do it. We’ll show you a proven step-by-step method for developing effective assertiveness and improving your relationships with others. If you follow it, we’re confident it can work for you. Millions of folks have learned to express themselves more effectively and achieve more of their life goals using this approach.

Incidentally, you may be amazed to learn — as we were when the research was first published — that our brains contain a remarkable system of neural networks that have a major influence on our social behavior. Neuroscientists have discovered some of the key patterns that are important to our ability to express our social emotions effectively.

Assertiveness and Your Brain

Much research on brain development and function has appeared in the last fifteen to twenty years. It turns out, researchers tell us, that one’s capacity for effective social relationships develops very early in life and becomes virtually “hardwired” via neural pathways in the brain. Psychologists these days refer to those characteristics that we’re more or less born with as “temperament” — very close to what used to be loosely referred to as “personality.”

These “social intelligence” brain patterns focus mostly on two themes:

  1. Sensitivity to the feelings of others (for example, the ability to detect and empathize with the feelings of others)
  2. Behavioral skills for responding appropriately to those feelings (such as social skills)

Those response patterns established early on in the brain are hard to change, but they can be changed. That means everyone can learn more effective personal expressiveness. It also means you’ll need to take into consideration your own temperament and learning style.

Those for whom sensitivity to the feelings of others is central will need to learn to recognize signals (social cues) from others and to discover how to detect and understand the needs, feelings, and behavior of other people. (Interestingly, psychologists did a great deal of work in that area even before the brain patterns were measurable; back in the 1960s and 1970s, we called it “sensitivity training.”)

Those who need to learn behavioral skills for responding appropriately to others’ feelings will find that assertiveness — the skill you’ll be learning about in this book — is central to one’s repertoire of social skills.

The brain research on social relationships is new, exciting, ongoing, and very complex. We’ll have more to say about this work throughout the book.

Who Needs It?

Jeanette was really upset when her neighbor came over and talked nonstop for forty-five minutes about neighborhood gossip. Mostly, she was upset with herself for letting it happen…again.

Is this stuff mainly for those — like Jeanette — who aren’t able to stand up for themselves? Only partly. We wrote the first edition of this book (in 1970) for folks who have that trouble, but we’ve learned a lot over the years, and one thing we now know is that everyone needs a hand at times in getting along better with others.

If you’re like most of us, your personal power is diminished every day — at home, on the job, at school, in stores and restaurants, and in club meetings — in ways both trivial and important. Many people find themselves at a loss for just the right action.

How do you handle it when:

Are you able to express warm, positive feelings to another person? Are you comfortable starting a conversation with strangers at a party? Do you have difficulty saying no to persuasive people? Do you sometimes feel ineffective in making your needs clear to others? Are you often at the bottom of the “pecking order,” pushed around by others? Or maybe you’re the one who pushes others around to get your way?

Assertiveness is a tool for making your relationships more equal.

At times like these, we all need “survival tactics” — ways to respond that let others know something’s wrong. Some folks swallow their feelings, say nothing, and remain upset. Others blast the offender with a punishing, put-down response.

We think there’s a better way. We endorse equality as a style. Not “getting your way.” Not “getting back at” the other person. And not “turning the other cheek.” We think the important thing is to affirm self-worth — both yours and the other person’s.

Although there’s no one “right way” to handle such events, there are some basic principles that will help you to gain confidence and effectiveness in your relationships with others. You’re going to learn those principles as you read this book. You’ll discover how to develop and use tactics that are fair, leaving both parties with their self-respect intact.

You don’t have to intimidate others in order to avoid being intimidated. And you don’t have to allow anybody to push you around. By learning to be assertive, you can deal with such upsets directly and honestly and keep everyone on an equal footing — most of the time, anyway.

The text box on the next page identifies more of the kinds of everyday situations we’re talking about.

The Assertive Alternative

Travis and Linda were not sure if the waiter had forgotten them, was ignoring them, or was simply very busy. He had not been at their table for at least fifteen minutes. And they had theater tickets.

Assertiveness is an alternative to personal powerlessness or manipulation. You’ll find in this book a program that will help you develop effective ways to express yourself, maintain your self-respect, and show respect and goodwill toward others. We firmly believe in the equal worth of every human being, and this book celebrates that belief and encourages positive relationships among people who respect and value one another.

There are lots of popular ideas you may have heard about what it means to be assertive. We don’t agree with most of them! An old Ziggy cartoon, for example, illustrates the unfortunate image that many hold. We find our hero walking up to a door labeled ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING CLASS. Below that sign is another: DON’T BOTHER TO KNOCK, BARGE RIGHT IN! (You can probably guess our view: barging in is not being assertive!)

Over the years, there have been other popular books that talk about “assertiveness” as a technique for getting your way. As we’ve said, that’s not our goal. We’ll help you to clarify your personal goals in relationships, and we’ll show you how to retain a sense of self-control, a sense of being in charge of your own life, without trying to control others in the process.

Aggression and assertion are commonly confused, but they are distinctly different. Aggressiveness means “me first,” pushing others around, denying their rights. As you’ll learn in the pages to come, assertiveness reflects genuine concern for everybody’s rights.

A lot of people, including some book authors, tend to equate being assertive with “saying no.” While that is one important aspect of what we’re talking about, there’s much more. Let us give you our definition of healthy assertiveness:

Assertive self-expression is direct, firm, positive — and, when necessary, persistent — action intended to promote equality in person-to-person relationships. Assertiveness enables us to act in our own best interests, to stand up for ourselves without undue anxiety, to exercise personal rights without denying the rights of others, and to express our feelings and needs (affection, love, friendship, disappointment, annoyance, anger, regret, sorrow) honestly and comfortably.

Confronted with a difficult situation, many people tend to respond nonassertively, thinking of an appropriate comeback long after the opportunity has passed. Others react aggressively and make a deep and negative impression that they often regret later. By developing a more adequate repertoire of assertive behavior, you’ll be able to choose appropriate and self-fulfilling responses in a variety of situations.

What Gets in the Way of Self-Expression?

In helping thousands of people learn to value themselves and to express themselves directly and honestly, we have found three particularly difficult barriers to self-assertion:

  1. Many people don’t believe they have the right to be assertive.
  2. Many people are highly anxious or fearful about being assertive.
  3. Many people lack the skills to express themselves effectively.

In addition, some of that exciting recent research in neuroscience sheds new light on our subject. For example, brain scientists now tell us that some people are born with a genetic predisposition to shyness or social inhibition. Yet even that obstacle can be overcome to a large extent with diligent application of the procedures we describe. We’ve addressed these barriers to personal power and healthy relationships and offered proven tools to overcome them.

In later chapters, you’ll learn about the concepts of nonassertive, aggressive, and assertive behavior, and lots of examples and specific instructions will show you how they may apply in your life.

Incidentally, on the plus side, brain studies also show that we’re all equipped with something scientists call “mirror neurons” in the brain, which lead us to mimic the behavior of others and help us to learn socially appropriate behavior and to respond accordingly.

How Can You Benefit from This Book?

Learning to respond more effectively will reduce the anxiety you may feel in dealing with others. You may even begin to feel better in other ways as well. Headaches, general fatigue, stomach disturbances, rashes, depression, and even asthma are sometimes related to a failure to express feelings directly. Learning to assert yourself positively and firmly can help you avoid such symptoms.

Hundreds of research studies have shown that by developing the ability to stand up for yourself, overcome your anxiety in social situations, and take the initiative to do what’s important to you, you can cut down your stress and increase your sense of worth as a person.

You can be healthier, more in charge of yourself in relationships, more confident, more capable, and more spontaneous in expressing your feelings. And you’ll likely find yourself more admired by others as well — especially if you treat them with respect and kindness. Whether your goals are personal, social, job related, or world changing, these ideas and procedures will help you to develop positive self-expression and healthier relationships.

You won’t find gimmicks on how to manipulate others in this book.

We are honored that thousands of therapists have recommended this book as helpful reading for their clients. Indeed, maybe that’s why you’re reading it now. And we’ve been gratified to note that, in three separate surveys of practicing professionals, this book has consistently received the highest rating among assertiveness books and has been among the most often recommended of all self-help books.

Before you go on to the next chapter, think a bit about why you picked up this book. Are you looking for help in specific areas of your life — on the job, perhaps, or with your family relationships? Do you have some ideas about how you’d like your life to be different? Chapter 7 goes into specifics about setting goals for your growth, but give a few moments of thought now to what you’d like to gain from reading Your Perfect Right. Then, when you’re ready, push ahead and let’s find out what this “assertiveness” stuff is all about.