Chapter 2

How Assertive Are You Now?

If you cannot say no, you are not in charge of your own life.

— Randy J. Paterson

Before we continue our exploration of what assertive behavior is and how it can help you create a more satisfying life for yourself, we think you’ll find it helpful to explore your own style of self-expression. In this chapter, we’ve provided a short questionnaire that will tell you more about how well you handle everyday social situations.

What do you know about your own assertiveness? Others’ reactions give you clues: Aunt Maria says, “You’re sassy!” The boss tells you to be more persuasive with customers. Or perhaps the children believe you need to say no instead of listening to telephone sales pitches. Maybe you tried to speak up to a clerk but backed off when she responded with a scornful look.

Everyday comments and reactions such as these are helpful indications of how you are doing now with assertiveness, but we want to encourage you to be even more thorough and systematic in observing yourself.

Our Assertiveness Inventory on the following two pages offers a helpful tool for improving your understanding and awareness of yourself.

One problem in measuring assertiveness is that there is no one single human characteristic you can put a finger on and say, “That’s assertiveness!” It is a complex phenomenon that depends on both the persons involved and the particular situation.

That doesn’t mean that you ought to quit trying to figure out how you’re doing. It can be very valuable to take a close look at your life and identify your strengths and weaknesses.

Take a few minutes right now to respond to the Assertiveness Inventory. This is just for you, so be honest with yourself. After you complete the inventory, read on for the discussion of results and for specific steps you can take to make the results practical in your life. The inventory is not a standardized “psychological test” — the studies required to thoroughly evaluate and approve a test have not been conducted — so just relax and enjoy this brief exploration of when and how you express yourself.

Some items won’t apply to your life. And you may want to respond, “What does that mean?” or “It depends on the situation.” Don’t let your criticism of the questions get in the way. If you take the time to answer honestly, the inventory can be a helpful tool in your growth in assertiveness.

When you complete the inventory, you’ll probably be tempted to add up your total score. Don’t! A “total score” really has no meaning, since no general trait of “assertiveness” has been found to exist. As you have no doubt experienced in your own life, “what is assertive” must be answered in terms of the person and the situation. Think of the inventory as simply a personal survey to use for your own benefit.

Analyzing Your Results

Here are our suggestions for ways to examine your responses to the Assertiveness Inventory:

• Look at individual events in your life involving particular people or groups and consider your strengths and shortcomings accordingly.
• Look at your responses to questions 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 11, 12, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 21, 22, 24, 25, 27, 28, 30, and 35. These questions are oriented toward nonassertive behavior. Do your answers to these items tell you that you are rarely speaking up for yourself? Or are there perhaps some specific situations that give you trouble?
• Look at your responses to questions 3, 8, 13, 20, 23, 26, 29, 31, 32, 33, and 34. These questions are oriented toward aggressive behavior. Do your answers to these questions suggest you are pushing others around more than you realized?

  Most people confirm from completing these three steps that assertiveness is situational in their lives. No one is nonassertive all the time, aggressive all the time, or assertive all the time! Each person behaves in each of the three ways at various times, depending upon the situation. It is possible that you have a characteristic style that leans heavily in one direction. You may discover your own weak spot and thereby begin the process of change.

• Reread the inventory and write in your journal a discussion of your feelings about each item. (Oops. We haven’t talked about a journal yet, have we? Stay tuned. It’s the subject of the next chapter.)

  An example:

  • Question 1: When a person is highly unfair, do you call it to attention?
  • Response: 0
  • Discussion: I’m afraid that if I said anything, the other person would become very angry. Perhaps I’d lose a friend, or maybe the person would yell at me. That would upset me a lot.
• Go over all of the information you have generated from the preceding steps and begin drawing some general conclusions. Look specifically at five aspects of the information:
  • What situations give you trouble? Which can you handle easily?
  • Do other people in your life make it especially difficult to be assertive?
  • What are your attitudes about expressing yourself? Are you able to meet most of your needs?
  • Are your behavior skills up to the job? Can you be expressive when you need to be?
  • What obstacles are in the way of your assertions? Are you afraid of the consequences?

Examine these five areas carefully. Write comments in your journal, summarizing your observations of yourself.

Spending some time now to think about these aspects of your own style of self-expression will help you to see your own needs more clearly, to set goals for yourself (more about goal setting in chapter 7), and to determine where to go from here in your efforts to become more assertive when the situation calls for it.