Chapter 3

Keep Track of Your Growth

Where I was born and where and how I have lived is unimportant.

It is what I have done with where I have been that should be of interest.

— Georgia O’Keeffe

We’d like to encourage you to begin your own process of growth toward more effective self-expression by starting a “personal growth journal.” Nothing fancy, just a simple device for jotting down notes about how things are going in your life as you take this journey toward greater assertiveness.

A daily record of your assertiveness will help you judge your progress over time. After a few weeks, you’ll find it provides a wealth of information about your ongoing assertiveness. We urge you to get a special notebook, pad, folder, or whatever, so you can record your thoughts, observations, feelings, and progress.

Your journal entries can include self-examination, notes on your reading, goals…anything you’d like to keep track of. To help you get started, here once again are those five dimensions of your life that relate to assertiveness: situations that come up; people in your life; your own attitudes, thoughts, beliefs, and needs; your behaviors; and obstacles to expressing yourself.

A sample page of your journal might look like this:

If you keep it up regularly, your journal can become a very important tool — both to record your progress and to serve as a “motivator” to continue working on your personal development.

As you undertake specific changes in your life, you might decide to become more thorough in your journal keeping:

• You may wish to refer to the Assertiveness Inventory. Which situations and people can you handle effectively and which are troublesome? Write down the results in your journal. Pay particular attention to any patterns in your life. Are you more assertive with strangers than with intimates, for example, or perhaps vice versa? Can you readily stand up for your rights but fall down on expressing affection? Do such factors as age, sex, or roles (for instance, authority) of the other person make a difference?
• It is very difficult to accurately measure attitudes and needs, and it is particularly difficult to be objective about your own. Nevertheless, we encourage you to write down in your journal your feelings about your right to behave assertively. Look at the various situations and people in the definition of “assertive behavior” (chapter 1) and in the situations described in the Assertiveness Inventory. For example, do you feel that it’s okay to respond when a boss or teacher has criticized you?
• Evaluating your behavior is not as difficult but may take longer. In chapter 8, we’ll describe several components of behavior that are part of any assertive act. If you watch your own behavior carefully for a time (a week or more is a good idea) and record your observations regularly in your journal, you’ll have a good idea of how well you do with eye contact, facial expression, body posture, and the other components. It may help to watch some other people you consider good models of assertiveness and to note in your journal some of their behavioral qualities as well.
• Obstacles may be the easiest area for you to keep track of. Most people want to act assertively, but there are many barriers that seem to make assertion difficult. Common obstacles within you fall into two categories:
  1. Anxiety, fear of the possible consequences (Maybe the other person won’t like me, or will hit me, or will think I’m crazy. … Maybe I’ll make a fool of myself. … Maybe I won’t get what I want. … I just feel anxious!)
  2. Lack of skills (I don’t know how to meet girls. … How do I express a political opinion to my friends? … I never learned how to show affection.)

Perhaps the most difficult external obstacles are the other people in your life. (Parents, friends, lovers, roommates, and others have an interest in making it difficult for you to change, even if they believe they want you to be more assertive.)

Record in your journal those obstacles that you think are making assertiveness more difficult for you.

Making Your Journal Work for You

If you take the time and effort to keep a journal and, as you learn more about assertiveness, proceed carefully and thoroughly with your self-assessment, you’ll find that the results will help to pinpoint specifically how you may want to change. At every point, of course, you may choose whether to carry this personal growth program further and what direction you will take. And choice is what it’s all about anyway!

Every week or so, carefully examine your journal entries: situations, attitudes, obstacles, people, behaviors, and notes. Look for patterns. Remember to evaluate your strengths as well as your weaknesses.

The first week or two of entries in your journal should give you a good picture of how you are doing now and provide a basis for setting goals for yourself. While we have not yet presented a systematic process for setting goals (that comes in chapter 7), we encourage you to continue to think about your own hopes for improvement and to make notes in your journal about them.

Your journal might show you that you have difficulty with people in authority — that you don’t believe you have a right to speak up to them, that you can’t maintain good eye contact with them, and that you’re very anxious around such people. You can work on these items individually through the step-by-step procedures described in the chapters ahead.

Changing long-standing aggressive, nonassertive, or other behaviors is difficult. Your journal is a crucial asset in the process of change. As you become aware of your behavior patterns, you can begin to choose deliberately and act in ways that will move you toward your goals. As your initial awkward attempts at assertion are rewarded — “Hey, it worked!” — you’ll find the assertive choice will become easier and easier.

Start your journal today with notes about your reading thus far in the book. Keep using your journal throughout your reading of Your Perfect Right and beyond to keep a careful record of how you’re doing as you apply these concepts in your own life. Your journal will provide a series of “benchmarks” so you can watch yourself grow. It will help motivate you to work at your progress. It will remind you how far you really have come — especially valuable at those times when you begin to think you aren’t getting anywhere! Reading your journal will reassure you that you are making progress, even if it is slow.

Your journal will help you to be more systematic about your work on assertiveness. And that can make all the difference!

As you learn new things about yourself, you may find serious shortcomings in some of the areas we’ve discussed. If so, you may want some professional assistance in reaching your goal. Particularly if you experience very high levels of anxiety about being assertive, we suggest contact with a qualified counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist, or other therapist. Your local community mental health center, college/university counseling center, or professional society of therapists may assist you in finding someone to help.