Chapter 5

What It Means to Be Assertive

There are three possible broad approaches to the conduct of interpersonal relations. The first is to consider one’s self only and ride roughshod over others. … The second…is always to put others before one’s self. … The third approach is the golden mean. … The individual places himself first, but takes others into account.

— Joseph Wolpe

They harvest fruits and vegetables that nobody else wants and distribute them to people who would otherwise be without. They’re the “Senior Gleaners” of Northern California, an all-volunteer assembly of people of retirement age, loosely affiliated with groups in other areas around the country through Feeding America — the national food bank network. The group was started in 1976 by a retired engineer, Homer Fahrner, who gathered the first thirty volunteers in his Sacramento garage. In an interview with psychologist-author Bill Berkowitz for a feature story in the book Local Heroes, Fahrner was asked for the key to the group’s early success. He responded enthusiastically: “I’m saying first, right out, when the crops grow, go out and see those people and persist. Because one turns you down, maybe he’s got a good reason. Go on, go on, go on.”

Homer Fahrner’s admonition could be the mantra of this book: “Go on, go on, go on.” Persistence may just be the single most important thing you learn from this process.

But wait! Yes, persistence is important, and we encourage you to make it a part of your “assertiveness toolkit,” but it’s not all there is to being assertive. Stay with us as we take another look at the concept of assertiveness as we defined it in chapter 1:

Assertive self-expression is direct, firm, positive — and, when necessary, persistent — action intended to promote equality in person-to-person relationships. Assertiveness enables us to act in our own best interests, to stand up for ourselves without undue anxiety, to exercise personal rights without denying the rights of others, and to express our needs and feelings (affection, love, friendship, disappointment, annoyance, anger, regret, sorrow) honestly and comfortably.

Let’s examine those elements in greater detail.

To be direct, firm, positive, and persistent means to express your thoughts and feelings spontaneously, directly to the person(s) involved, firmly enough to make your point clear, and persistently enough so others recognize you’re serious about it.

To promote equality in person-to-person relationships means to put both parties on an equal footing, to restore the balance of power by giving personal power to the “underdog,” to make it possible for everyone to gain and no one to lose.

To act in your own best interests refers to the ability to make your own decisions about career, relationships, lifestyle, and time schedule, to take initiative starting conversations and organizing activities, to trust your own judgment, to set goals and work to achieve them, to ask for help from others, and to participate socially.

To stand up for yourself includes such behaviors as saying no, setting limits on time and energy, responding to criticism or put-downs or anger, and expressing or supporting or defending an opinion.

To exercise personal rights relates to competency as a citizen, as a consumer, as a member of an organization or school or work group, and as a participant in public events to express opinions, to work for change, and to respond to violations of one’s own rights or those of others.

To not deny the rights of others is to accomplish the above personal expressions without unfair criticism of others, without hurtful behavior toward others, without name-calling, without intimidation, without manipulation, and without controlling others.

To express needs and feelings honestly and comfortably means to be able to disagree, to show anger, to show affection or friendship, to admit fear or anxiety, to express agreement or support, and to be spontaneous — all with little or no painful anxiety.

Putting those elements of the definition back together, you can see that assertive behavior is a positive self-affirmation that also values the other people in your life. It contributes both to your personal life satisfaction and to the quality of your relationships with others.

Studies show that, as a direct result of gains in self-expressiveness, individuals have improved their self-esteem, reduced their anxiety, overcome depression, gained greater respect from others, accomplished more in terms of their life goals, increased their level of self-understanding, and improved their capacity to communicate more effectively with others. We can’t promise any specific results for you, of course, but the evidence is impressive!

Assertive, Nonassertive, and Aggressive Behavior

We get a lot of mixed messages about appropriate behavior these days. Conflict between what’s recommended and what’s rewarded is evident in many areas of life. Ideally, each of us should respect the rights of others. And the public comments of most political leaders frequently repeat that ideal. But what about the real world? All too often, parents, teachers, and business, government, and other institutions say one thing and do another, contradicting these values in their own actions. Tact, diplomacy, courtesy, refined manners, modesty, civility, and self-denial are generally praised; yet, realistically, to get ahead, it seems to be pretty much acceptable to step on others.

Athletes, for example, are encouraged to be aggressive in competitive sports, perhaps even to bend the rules a little. That’s winked at because “winning is the only thing,” right? “It’s not important how you play the game; it’s just important that you win.”

So, how to deal with these mixed messages? We believe you should be able to choose for yourself how to act. If your “polite restraint” response is too strong, you may be unable to express yourself as you would like. If your aggressive response is overdeveloped, you may achieve your goals by hurting others. Freedom of choice and self-control are possible when you develop assertive responses to situations you have previously handled nonassertively or aggressively.

Throughout the nine editions and nearly five decades of this book’s history, one of the most popular (and frequently reproduced) sections has been our simple chart contrasting assertive, nonassertive, and aggressive actions. The chart (on the next page) helps to clarify the concepts by displaying several feelings and consequences typical for the person (“sender”) whose actions are nonassertive, assertive, or aggressive. Also shown for each of these actions are the likely consequences for the person toward whom the action is directed (“receiver”).

As the chart shows, a nonassertive response means that the sender is denying self-expression and is inhibited from letting feelings show. People who behave nonassertively often feel hurt and anxious since they allow others to choose for them. They seldom achieve their own needs and goals.

The person who carries a desire for self-expression to the extreme of aggressive behavior accomplishes goals at the expense of others. Although frequently self-enhancing and expressive of feelings in the situation, aggressive behavior hurts other people in the process by making choices for them and by minimizing their worth.

Aggressive behavior commonly results in a put-down of the receiver. Rights denied, the receiver feels hurt, defensive, and humiliated. His or her needs and goals in the situation, of course, are not achieved. Aggressive behavior may achieve the sender’s goals but may also generate bitterness and frustration that may later return as vengeance.

Some professionals who work with assertiveness training prefer to add a fourth category — indirect aggression — to this model. They note that much aggressive behavior takes the form of passive, nonoppositional action. Sometimes such actions are sneaky or sly; other times they may simply be double entendres: smiling, friendly, agreeable behavior that hides a backstabbing or undermining action. We consider this category to be a form of aggression and have simplified our model by not dealing with it separately.

Appropriately assertive behavior in the same situation would be self-enhancing for the sender, would be an honest expression of feelings, and would usually achieve the goal. When you choose for yourself how to act, a good feeling typically accompanies the assertive response, even when you don’t achieve your goals.

When the consequences of these three contrasting behaviors are seen from the viewpoint of the receiver of the action, we see a parallel pattern. Nonassertive behavior may produce sympathy, confusion, or outright contempt for the sender. Also, the receiver may feel guilt or anger at having achieved goals at the expense of the sender. The receiver of aggressive actions often feels hurt, defensive, put down, or perhaps aggressive in return. In contrast, assertion tends to enhance the feeling of self-worth of both parties and permits both full self-expression and achievement of needs.

In summary, it is clear that self-denial in nonassertive behavior hurts the sender; aggressive behavior may hurt the receiver (or even both parties). In the case of assertion, neither person is hurt, and it is likely that both will succeed. The series of example situations that appears in chapter 6 will help to make these distinctions more clear.

Assertive behavior is a positive self-affirmation that also values the other people in your life.

It is important to note that assertive behavior is person- and situation-specific, not universal. What may be considered assertive depends upon the people involved and the circumstances of the situation. Although we believe the definitions and examples presented in this book are realistic and appropriate for most people and circumstances, individual differences must be considered. Cultural or ethnic background, for instance, may create a different set of personal circumstances that would change the nature of “appropriateness” in assertive behavior.

Assertiveness and Personal Boundaries

There’s lots of talk these days about “boundaries.” The concept of personal boundaries is a graphic way of describing how close you allow others to come to you — physically, emotionally, sexually, intellectually, and socially.

Your sense of yourself provides the foundation for your creation of boundaries. It might appear that someone who has a strong self-concept would have solid boundaries: a virtual bubble in which one can walk at a safe distance from other people. We don’t see it that way. In our view, a strong self-concept will enable you to allow others to get close to you because you’re secure in yourself. Personal insecurity — a weak self-concept — may lead you to keep others at a distance, lest their closeness become a threat.

The relationship between personal boundaries and assertiveness is strong but not necessarily simple. Assertive self-expression allows you to communicate your boundaries to others: “That’s as close as I’ll allow you to get to me.” “Don’t touch me.” “You’re in my space now; please back off.” But assertiveness is not all about setting limits or maintaining control in relationships. The equal-relationship assertiveness we urge is about closeness as well. We want you to be able to act assertively in drawing people closer to you as well as in keeping them away, as you choose.

Romantic relationships provide classic examples of how personal boundaries work. If Jill finds Jack attractive, she may approach him with an invitation to get together socially, expanding her personal boundaries in an effort to draw him closer. Jack may misinterpret Jill’s invitation and conclude that he is at liberty to make sexual advances. Jill may consider such actions a boundary violation and push Jack away. How close is “close enough”?

Effective personal boundaries are not set in stone. They’re flexible, they vary with each person with whom you have a relationship, and they vary with time. Jill might have welcomed Jack’s sexual advances at a later time. By invading her boundary too early, however, he has probably lost the opportunity to develop a longer-term relationship.

Once again, choice is the bottom line here. Our goal in facilitating your growth in assertive self-expression is to free you to make those choices: to be close when you want and to maintain distance when you prefer that; to nurture your ties with friends and loved ones and to set firm limits with those you don’t want close; to speak up when it’s necessary to defend your personal space and to reach out when you want to expand your personal space; and to recognize that the other person has rights too. As President Abraham Lincoln, Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr., and others pointed out more than a century ago, “Your right to swing your fist ends where my nose begins.”

Cultural Differences in Self-Assertion

While the desire for self-expression may be a basic human need, assertive behavior in interpersonal relationships is primarily characteristic of Western cultures. (For purposes of illustration, please permit us a few cultural generalizations and a stereotype or two. We discussed this topic in the previous chapter, but it’s important enough to take another look as we consider what it means to be assertive.)

In many Asian and Middle Eastern cultures, group membership (family, clan, tribe, work group, religion) is valued above individuality. How others see one tends to be more important to an individual than self-concept. Courtesy is a key virtue, and communication is often indirect so as to avoid confrontation or offending another. Those who value tradition generally do not consider assertiveness, in the Western sense of direct self-expression, appropriate. Many young people, however, and those whose activities include considerable contact with the United States and Europe have developed more direct, informal, and assertive styles.

Many individuals and subcommunities in Latino and Hispanic societies have emphasized the notion of “machismo” to the point that assertiveness — as we have defined it — seems rather tame, at least for men. In those cases, a greater display of strength is the norm for male self-expression.

Yet people from cultures where self-assertion traditionally has not been valued may be just those who most need its benefits. As our world shrinks, it may be that current and future international relations require more open and direct communication and a greater sense of equality — expressed on both sides of the table.

And It’s Not Just Culture…

We hope our discussion of cultural differences doesn’t make it seem that’s all there is to “diversity.” Not so. Although culture is a very significant factor when it comes to assertive behavior, it’s important not to overlook other dimensions of “differentness.” We’re all different! Think about ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity, physical abilities, mental abilities, socioeconomic status, education, religious beliefs. While it’s not humanly possible to take all of these variables into account in assessing what it means to be assertive in any given situation, we urge you to make diversity a part of your frame of reference in your approach to relationships.

“But Isn’t Aggression Just Human Nature?”

Aggression and violence are often excused on the grounds that they are innate in the human organism and cannot be avoided. That’s not the case, say the most distinguished scholars who have researched the subject. The Seville Statement — written in 1986 by twenty distinguished social and behavioral scientists from twelve nations and endorsed by the American Psychological and American Anthropological Associations — declares:

It is scientifically incorrect to say:

We conclude that biology does not condemn humanity to war, and that humanity can be freed from the bondage of biological pessimism. … The same species [that] invented war is capable of inventing peace.

Classifying Behavior: “A Rose by Any Other Name…”

“I told my father-in-law not to smoke his cigar in my house. Was that assertive or aggressive?”

Members of assertiveness training groups and workshops have often asked us to classify a particular act as “assertive” or “aggressive.” What makes the important difference? We’ve suggested that assertive and aggressive behavior differ principally in that the latter involves hurting, manipulating, or denying others in the course of expressing oneself. Practitioners and writers with a psychoanalytic orientation have proposed that intent must be considered. That is, if you intended to hurt your father-in-law, that’s aggressive; if you simply wanted to inform him of your wishes, you were acting assertively from the viewpoint of intent.

Many psychologists insist that behavior must be measurable according to its effects. Thus, if your father-in-law gets the assertive message and responds accordingly — by agreeing not to smoke — your behavior may be classified as assertive. If he pouts in a corner or shouts, “Who do you think you are?” your statement probably came across as aggressive.

As we have noted, the sociocultural context must be taken into account in classifying behavior as assertive or aggressive or nonassertive. A culture that highly values honoring one’s elders may view the request as clearly out of line and aggressive, regardless of the behavior, response, or intent.

There are no absolutes in this area, and some criteria may be in conflict. A particular act may be at once assertive in behavior and intent (you wanted to and did express your feelings), aggressive in response (the other person could not handle your assertion), and nonassertive in the sociocultural context (your culture expects a powerful, put-down style). It’s not always easy to classify human behavior!

A specific situation may vary considerably from the examples we discuss here. In any event, the question “Is it assertive or aggressive?” is not one that may be answered simply! Each situation ultimately must be evaluated on its own. The labels “nonassertive,” “assertive,” and “aggressive” themselves carry no magic, but they may be useful in assessing the appropriateness of a particular action.

Bottom line: don’t sweat the labels. We want you to be able to choose for yourself how you will act and to know that you have the tools you need to succeed.

Social Consequences of Assertion

While you’re learning skills to improve your ability to express yourself appropriately and responsibly, keep in mind that self-expression must be modulated by its context. Just as freedom of speech does not convey the right to yell “Fire!” in a crowded theater, so the form of self-expression we advise is one that considers its consequences. Once again, “Your right to swing your fist ends where my nose begins.”

The perfect right you have to say no exists alongside the other person’s right to say yes. And your desire to accomplish your goals through self-assertion must be weighed against the needs of the larger society. Speak out or write about any idea you choose to support, but recognize the other person’s right to do the same. And be prepared to pay some dues — perhaps in jail — if your expression goes beyond words and includes civil disobedience. Just as there are taxes for those who accumulate wealth, there is a price to pay for freedom of expression.

While you have a perfect right to maintain a viewpoint, everyone else has the same right — and your views may conflict. Keep this in mind on your journey toward greater personal assertiveness.

“Be Nice”

“What’s the secret of good conversation?” the CBS TV host asked our psychologist colleague and friend Bernardo Carducci. “Be nice,” Bernie replied.

Can it be that simple? Perhaps.

Dr. Carducci was invited to the show because he’s well known for his systematic approach to making conversation. In his Shyness Clinic at Indiana University Southeast, Carducci teaches five key steps to help students reach out to others and make good conversation. For TV, of course, he compressed his system into a sound bite: “Be nice.”

Although we’ve spent much of the last fifty years helping folks express themselves more effectively, maybe we should have been paying more attention to niceness. Standing up for yourself; speaking out to right wrongs; expressing your wishes, feelings, and opinions — those are the important skills we’ve emphasized and called “assertiveness.”

But as we think about what it means to be assertive, maybe we need to go further. Maybe more “nice” is what’s needed these days. Consider:

Organizations, institutions, corporations, and even schools and colleges and hospitals often take advantage of people. The people in them don’t matter; all that matters is that the institution itself continues on its path without interference. Even volunteer groups in the community frequently are careless about how they treat those who give so much to make life better for all of us.

As individuals, we don’t have to act like institutions. We can treat one another with respect, as people of unique worth. We can be nice.

Assertiveness in the Twenty-First Century

In early editions of Your Perfect Right, we used the following example of a situation calling for assertive action: “Has anyone ever cut in front of you in a line?” Our advice, of course, was to speak up for yourself, to call attention to the situation, to ask that the line-jumper respect the rights of those who have already been waiting. Today, frankly, we’re not so sure.

New York Times columnist and author Thomas L. Friedman (The World Is Flat) tells of an incident in an airport bookshop a few years back that illustrates this point. Thinking he was next in line, he put his money on the counter and heard the woman next to him say, “Excuse me, I was here first” — obviously, this was someone in a hurry to make her purchase. Friedman said he was very sorry, but he was clearly there first. Today, he says, he would have responded very differently: “I would have said, ‘Miss, I’m so sorry. I am entirely in the wrong. Please go ahead. And can I buy your magazines for you?’” These days, Friedman muses, you never know how people will react. “I’d be thinking there is some chance this woman has a blog, or a camera in her mobile phone, and could, if she so chose, tell the whole world about our encounter — entirely from her perspective — and my utterly rude, boorish, arrogant, thinks-he-can-butt-in-line behavior. Yikes!”

And if the other person in such an encounter were inclined to be directly aggressive, Friedman might have wound up with a bloody nose (or perhaps worse, in a time when weapons are commonly carried).

We have emphasized the importance of individual self-expression, and we remain committed to the value of each individual human being. But let’s be real about the world in which we find ourselves in the twenty-first century.

We have long considered appropriate assertiveness to be person- and situation-specific. The cutting-in-line situation must be assessed more carefully. Our “perfect rights” haven’t changed, of course, but we must exercise our right to express them with greater caution. It has always been true that you risk being punched in the nose when you speak up for yourself. Today, however, the probability of a violent reaction seems greater than ever before. A punch in the nose, an obscene gesture, even a knife or gun are seen as the quick answer to many disagreements.

Cut me off on the freeway? The least you’ll get is my horn and the extended digit of one hand. You may get bumped the next time traffic slows down. Or I may just decide to run you off the road.

Reprimand or fire me at work? I may return with a gun to “pay you back,” if I’m emotionally unstable or under the influence. (Law enforcement officials tell us that a huge percentage of convicted criminals are chronic drug users.)

There are, of course, no easy answers to such dilemmas of life in a violence-prone, post-9/11 society. We cannot recommend that you take the risks of asserting yourself under all circumstances, nor will we advise you to duck inside your shell and avoid any situation in which your safety may be at stake. What we do advise is that you exercise appropriate caution in risky situations. Take time to consider the possible consequences of your actions, how well you know the person(s) you’re dealing with, how well you know the territory in which you find yourself, how important it is to have your say, whether you’re likely to accomplish anything by speaking up.

In chapter 22, we elaborate on those thoughts and put together a checklist of criteria to aid you in deciding “Is this a situation in which I want to be assertive?”

Don’t misunderstand our caveat here. We do not want you to avoid reasonable assertions because there may be risk. There is risk in getting out of bed in the morning. There is risk in driving your car (even without the “crazies”). There is risk in most jobs. (Ask your employer about the cost of workers’ compensation insurance, even for “nonhazardous” jobs!) There is risk in living in the city — or in the country. There is risk in involving yourself in a relationship.

To avoid risk is to avoid life — and we want you to live as fully as you can. Just consider taking risks that count for something!

Our society needs all the help it can get in creating harmony. Let’s focus our assertiveness where it’s meaningful: working toward equality and cooperation in relationships with others.

Eleven Key Points About Assertive Behavior

To summarize this chapter, here is a list of eleven key qualities of assertive behavior:

  1. Self-expressive
  2. Respectful of the rights of others
  3. Honest
  4. Direct and firm
  5. Equalizing, benefiting both parties in a relationship
  6. Both verbal (including the content of the message) and nonverbal (including the style of the message)
  7. Positive (expressing affection, praise, appreciation) at times and negative (expressing limits, anger, criticism) at times
  8. Appropriate for the person and situation, not universal
  9. Socially responsible
  10. Both inborn (elements of temperament) and learned (styles of behavior)
  11. As persistent as is necessary to achieve one’s goals without violating the ten points above

Now you have a better idea of what it means to be assertive, and you’re probably ready to begin taking steps toward increasing your own effectiveness in self-expression.

The following chapter provides many examples of life situations calling for assertive action. It’s likely you’ll find yourself nodding in recognition as you read them!