Chapter 10

Thinking Assertively

If a person continues to see only giants, it means he is still looking at the world through the eyes of a child.

— Anaïs Nin

“Okay,” you say, “maybe I’m not as assertive as I’d like to be. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. That’s just the way I am. I can’t change it.”

We don’t agree. Becoming more assertive is a learning process, and it takes longer for some of us, but you can master the process and the rewards can be great.

Right thinking about assertiveness is crucial. Thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, and feelings set the stage for behavior. Your mind needs to be free to respond to each new situation calling for assertive action. Negative or faulty attitudes, beliefs, and thoughts hold you back and stop your natural flow. “You are what you think” (even more than “what you eat”). Getting your thinking straight will be a huge step toward greater assertiveness. Start today to rid yourself of self-defeating thinking!

In this chapter, you will find some “pep talks” and some specific procedures that will help you to look at your thinking process. We are probably going to challenge some of your beliefs about how life works.

Self-Expression and Your Brain

We’ve been studying, teaching, and writing about this process for half a century. You’d think just about everything that could be said has been said. But there always seems to be some new finding, and some of these findings are quite surprising. For example, brain researchers — neuroscientists — in the last two decades have done some truly amazing work mapping the patterns of human brain activity associated with a wide variety of life situations and how we feel and respond to them. These brain-behavior relationships are founded on both the brain’s “hardwiring” — what we’re born with — and a mind-boggling (Literally!) series of connections that develop over a lifetime of learning about what it means to get along with other people.

The state of the art today makes it clear that although our social behavior patterns are quite firmly established in our brains — because we’ve repeated them over and over again for years — we can learn new patterns with active effort. That in itself is a major breakthrough. The old idea that once brain cells are gone we don’t get new ones has proved to be false. The brain has a quality called “neuroplasticity:” it continues to grow new cells and connections throughout our lives, if it is challenged and stimulated.

At the risk of oversimplifying what goes on in the brain when we encounter a social situation, imagine two key components of the brain itself talking with each other. The “amygdala” is the tiny, almond-shaped center of emotions located at the base of the brain toward the rear. The brain’s “orbitofrontal cortex” — OFC — is the primary (though not the only) regulator of those emotions; it thinks and evaluates as it receives signals from the amygdala. The OFC puts the rational brakes on by regulating the length, intensity, and frequency of such emotions as anger, terror, and shame.

The emotional brain (that is, the amygdala) deals in raw feelings. The rational, cognitive brain (the OFC) specializes in considered understanding. Psychologist Daniel Goleman refers to the two functions as the “low road” (emotions) and the “high road” (cognitions) of the brain. The high road works methodically, step by step, with deliberate effort, giving us some control over our “inner life.” The two roads are intertwined, working in parallel and virtually simultaneously, although the low road’s amygdala fires the more immediate shots.

Picture yourself walking through a primeval forest 100,000 years ago. In the distant shadows, you notice a movement. Your brain’s first response is likely to be fear. The amygdala is sending survival messages: Could be a threat. Lots of dangerous predators in these parts. Better run or take cover or find a weapon. The OFC, decoding these distress signals, takes the long view: Yes, it could be a threat, but not likely. I’ve been all over this area today, and I’m confident there are no predators around now. Still, it would be prudent to be somewhat cautious. I’ll wait here a while and watch and listen. Besides, if it is a dangerous predator, I probably couldn’t outrun it anyway.

That scenario could happen today on the streets of any city, or even in a forest. The point is that our brains are constantly responding emotionally to and evaluating rationally the situations we encounter. Everyday social situations usually do not have the same survival value as our hypothetical encounter in the forest, but our brains do respond both emotionally and rationally to everything that comes along.

What’s important about all this is to recognize first that your emotional reaction to a social situation may well be anxiety (fear), but you can handle that emotion if you take time to listen to the rational evaluation of the OFC. If you do, you can learn skills for dealing with those situations effectively.

Detailed examination of the research findings regarding those very complex brain processes is beyond the scope of this book. Readers who are interested in looking further into the state of knowledge on brain and behavior are encouraged to explore Daniel Goleman’s fine book Social Intelligence (2006) and such other recommended resources as Antonio Damasio’s Looking for Spinoza (2003), Daniel J. Siegel’s The Developing Mind (2015), and Understanding Emotions (2006) by Keith Oatley, Dacher Keltner, and Jennifer Jenkins.

For now, the important thing to keep in mind is that you have some work to do to overcome a lifetime of brain network patterns that lead you to make less-than-adequate responses to social situations. Time to get started!

Your Attitude Toward Becoming Assertive

Perhaps you, like many folks, have experienced parents, teachers, and peers saying, “You have no right.” Now we are telling you, “You have a perfect right,” and it is good, it is right, it is okay to assert yourself. How to deal with these conflicting messages? Trust yourself. Experiment a little. You owe it to yourself to try.

Your attitude will help or hinder your capacity to grow in assertiveness. If you cooperate with the natural process of self-expression, you can learn to enjoy each new challenge. Don’t let negative attitudes stunt your growth.

Maybe you’re imagining all the “dire consequences” that may result from taking risks in your relationships. (Oh dear, what might happen? Maybe he’ll hit me. Maybe she’ll leave me.) Recognize that, at times, it’s appropriate to ignore those excessive cautions and take just one small step toward your goal.

You can take charge of your own growth process and guide your development in a positive, assertive direction. You’ll find your attitudes can change because of your actions. And you may be surprised at the results. Positive responses from others, better feelings about yourself, having your needs met, and accomplishing your goals will be among your rewards. Pay attention to these positive outcomes; they offer important support and encouragement as you practice new skills.

Your Attitude Toward Yourself

Can you congratulate yourself when you succeed? When you fail, can you accept your foibles with honesty and laugh at yourself? Can you express the feeling of elation you get when you achieve a personal goal, such as completing a college course or a remodeling job on your home? Do you allow yourself the pleasure of feeling satisfied with a job well done? How about when you do something that makes someone else happy?

Maybe your goal in life is to be of service to others. If you don’t take care of yourself, you’ll have little to give to anyone else. If you continually inhibit your self-expression, you’ll gradually lose your effectiveness in helping others as well. Recall that the charge is to “Love others as you love yourself.” How well do you love yourself? Remember the Behavioral Model for Personal Growth in chapter 7? Read it over again now and consider how you can love yourself better.

Your attitude toward yourself and your behavior is in a continuous cycle. When you are down on yourself, you’ll tend to act in self-denying ways. Others will see those actions and respond accordingly — as if you don’t deserve much respect. When you see the way they treat you, it confirms your attitude: I knew I wasn’t worth a damn! Look how people treat me! And the self-fulfilling cycle continues.

We want to help you break up the cycle by teaching you — and “authorizing” you — to behave assertively. Since you won’t do it for yourself, maybe you’ll do it when someone else tells you to! The trainer says, “Never mind how strange it feels, go ahead and try this new approach.” When you do try it, the result is more positive feedback from other people, which in turn improves your attitude about yourself. You’re on your way!

This enhanced sense of self-worth is the beginning of a positive turn in the attitude-behavior-feedback-attitude cycle. You can achieve the same results on your own — or perhaps with some help over the rough spots — by following the step-by-step program for behavior change you’ll find a couple of chapters down the road; for now, let’s take a deeper look at this business of thoughts and attitudes.

Thoughts That Get in the Way of Self-Assertion

There are some patterns of thinking — both nonassertive and aggressive — that are common obstacles to assertiveness. If you’re like most folks, you’ve told yourself things like the following — at least once in a while:

Or, on the other side:

If you’re really honest with yourself, you’ll have to admit that these ideas are mostly false. The big problem with this kind of thinking is that you may begin to believe it. Distorted views of what’s happening in your life may result from a number of circumstances. Sometimes bad events occur coincidentally and create an impression that life has it in for you. That idea can stick in your head and become a “self-fulfilling prophecy.”

Most of us don’t experience life as a devastating series of downers, but we all have days (or weeks) that can bring us down on ourselves — at least for a while. Esteemed psychiatrist and author Aaron Beck, MD, has outlined some of the tendencies that commonly occur:

Helpful Aids for Handling Thoughts

A number of excellent methods have been developed for dealing with your thinking patterns. Three of the most effective are stress inoculation, thought stopping, and positive self-statements.

Stress Inoculation

This type of “inoculation” not only minimizes expected stress, it can also be used on the spot to deal with stress. (Noted Canadian psychologist Dr. Donald Meichenbaum gets credit for this one.)

Assume you have a situation coming up that you know will be stressful, such as a job performance review. Your supervisor tends to be a fast talker and not a good listener. In the past, you have become very uptight and upset.

To inoculate yourself this time, start by writing yourself a message about the situation beforehand. Speak to yourself as a wise counselor would. Here is a sample message:

When you have your performance evaluation, relax. Don’t let yourself be thrown off. It does no good to get upset. Remember your supervisor’s style, and be ready for it. When your supervisor says something you question, be firm but polite in asking about it. Ask for time to consider further. Speak up about information the supervisor is forgetting. Be ready to list your accomplishments. You can handle this. Take a deep breath once in a while. You’ll be fine. If surprises come, just roll with them. This is only one small event in your total life.

Once you have a tailor-made message, read it aloud several times before the actual situation arises. Read it especially when you start worrying excessively or when you feel undue anxiety. Remember the essence of the message so you can repeat key portions silently during the actual event (like an interview). If you find yourself slipping in confidence, listen within yourself for the key parts.

One of our clients used this method successfully with her estranged husband. They were to meet in court, and Cyra knew she would fall apart and perhaps ruin her chances for a fair settlement. She developed a stress inoculation message and practiced it often. When she entered the courtroom, her husband came up and said hi, and Cyra immediately broke into tears and ran to the bathroom. While there, she reread her message aloud several times, regained her confidence, and “sailed through” both talking to him again and the subsequent proceedings. Afterward, she was amazed that it worked. In the past, she would have continued to be upset and cry. Stress inoculation helped Cyra through a very emotional event.

Thought Stopping

Have you ever had an annoying tune or thought continually run through your head? Nothing you do seems to stop it. That’s the time to try “thought stopping,” another method developed by psychiatrist Joseph Wolpe. Close your eyes right now and conjure up some recurring thought that bothers you. When it comes in clearly, yell “STOP!” out loud. (Make sure no one is nearby or they may think you a bit bizarre!) Your thoughts will actually stop. When they do, shift immediately to a pleasant thought to replace the unwanted one. The unwanted thought will typically return in short order, but if you persistently repeat the procedure, more and more time will pass before the offender sneaks back in. Soon, the unwanted thought will “give up.”

No, you don’t have to run around yelling “STOP!” continually. The technique works just as effectively when done silently in your head. Of course, you may still want to yell it out loud once in a while because it is so much fun!

One warning: be careful that the unwanted thoughts are not actually carrying constructive messages that you’re not catching on to. You need to pay attention to some unpleasant thoughts and act on them. They may be offering important guidance. With practice and trial and error, however, the difference between good and not-so-good thoughts will become apparent.

Positive Self-Statements

“The hardest step for most people I know,” commented high school counselor Gail Wainwright at an assertiveness group meeting, “is to be assertive with yourself: to convince yourself to go ahead and take the action you know is needed.”

If your thoughts are filled with self-denying “rules” and “attitudes,” your behavior will in all likelihood be similar. You may think in negative statements: I’m not important. My opinions don’t count. No one will be interested in what I have to say. I’ll probably make a fool of myself if I say anything. I’m really not sure. I have no right to say that. If so, chances are very good you will act accordingly — that is, you’ll keep quiet and let others control the situation.

For a short period of time, try allowing yourself to actually say out loud the positive form of those statements: “I am important.” “My opinions count.” “Someone will be interested in what I have to say.” “I have a right to say that.” You don’t have to act on any of these at this point, just get the feel of thinking positive thoughts and saying them aloud to yourself.

The positive self-statements procedure simply consists of developing complimentary statements about yourself that you memorize and repeat regularly. The purpose is to build self-confidence:

Some of the statements you choose may not be totally true of you, but we want you to “fudge” a little at first. (Don’t go to extremes, however. We don’t agree with those who would have you go around saying, “I am rich and beautiful.” Unless, of course, it’s true.) Then proceed as if they were true. Place these statements on the refrigerator, on the bathroom wall, or in your purse or wallet. Regularly remind yourself that you are a positive and valuable person.

You can use positive self-statements as replacement thoughts in conjunction with thought stopping. Or they can be part of your stress inoculation message.

After you have practiced the positive thoughts for a while, you may wish to begin — still in your own thoughts — to consider the ways you would act in stressful situations if you followed through on the thoughts. Perhaps, for example, you were thinking, Someone will be interested in what I have to say, in regard to joining in on a group discussion. If you were to imagine acting on that thought, you might see yourself asking a question of one of the more outspoken participants. Or maybe you could just start out by saying, “I agree.”

Think about ways you could act like a person who thinks positively!

Stop Imagining the Worst

Too often, people do not respond assertively because they have conjured up dire consequences. If I do this, she’ll be mad. I could never say that because he’d fire me. I’ll feel guilty. She’ll divorce me. My mother always cries. I’d hurt him too much. On and on go the imagined disasters. A part of the brain seems to work overtime to stifle self-expression.

The late renowned psychologist Albert Ellis called this “catastrophizing,” and he did a remarkable job of pointing out how such irrational beliefs hurt our chances of handling life situations well. In his book Feeling Better, Getting Better, Staying Better, Ellis suggests that our thoughts always come before our emotional reactions to situations. Ellis describes some of the irrational ideas and beliefs about how life “ought to be” that lead to upsetting emotions, thus blocking adequate responses. These beliefs relate to such life events as rejection, fear, and being treated unfairly. Read Ellis’s book and stop inhibiting your assertiveness by believing (irrationally) that the world should somehow be perfect.

“What Else Can I Do About My Thoughts?”

Psychologist Gary Emery is another highly regarded specialist in cognitive therapy procedures. He has described a number of effective strategies and techniques for those who wish to make changes in their thinking patterns and “internal conversations.”

You may find one or several of the procedures of help:

Are Some More Equal Than Others?

One of our most important goals for this book is to help you recognize that you are equal to others on a human-to-human level. True, there will always be someone who is more talented, more assertive, more beautiful, more powerful, more wealthy, more educated. But you are just as good, just as valuable, just as important as anyone else as a human being. That’s a terribly important idea. If you want to read more about it, try the Constitution of the United States of America or the United Nations’ Universal Declaration of Human Rights.