Energy and persistence conquer all things.
— Benjamin Franklin
It’s an old joke in psychology. When two engineers are talking together and a psychologist walks up and joins the conversation, there are now two engineers and a psychologist. But when two psychologists are talking and an engineer (substitute your own favorite occupation) walks up and joins them, there are now three psychologists!
Everyone believes she or he is a psychologist in some sense. Indeed, we all have some practical firsthand knowledge of human behavior, beginning with ourselves. Unfortunately, a lot of what seems true is not.
Popular wisdom often suggests that to improve yourself, you need to “change your attitude.” In contrast, until late in the twentieth century, behavioral psychologists argued that it was more important to change behavior, and that attitude change would follow.
In early editions of this book, back in the 1970s, we supported the position of traditional behavior therapy: that it is easier and more effective to change behavior first, then attitude change will slowly follow. While there is still little doubt that attitude change is the “tougher nut to crack,” psychologists have learned that thoughts and beliefs can be modified by procedures such as those described in chapter 10 and that such changes will powerfully affect behavior.
Positive self-statements provide a good example. By consciously telling yourself “I have the ability to succeed in this situation,” you greatly enhance your chances of success, even without any other changes. Everyone views and interprets life events through her or his own unique attitudes and beliefs about “how life is” and acts according to those interpretations. If you go around believing that you’re “worthless,” you’ll approach life situations with an outlook of failure — and thus increase your chance of failure. If you tell yourself you are capable of succeeding, your actions will be more likely to follow a pattern of success — and you’ll be more successful.
For a time, most everyone was convinced that such changed thinking was all-important. That usually happens when a new idea emerges from psychological research. These days, however, there’s a consensus around a more moderate position, and that is the view we hold: both thinking and behavior are vital elements in the process of bringing about personal growth. (Funny how psychological research catches up with common sense if we allow enough time to pass.)
Some people respond more readily to cognitive (thinking) interventions, others to behavioral (action) interventions. In any comprehensive program for growth, therefore, both areas must be dealt with.
And let’s not forget that the most recent work — from the field of neuroscience — has demonstrated that the brain itself is the most powerful factor of all in determining our attitudes and behaviors. While that’s not surprising, as we discussed earlier, it has led to some remarkable findings about how our patterns of thinking and behavior have developed — and how they can be changed.
As you begin the process of becoming more assertive, don’t expect to wake up some morning and say, “Today, I’m a new, assertive person!” It has taken you a lifetime to develop the neural pathways in your brain and the resulting thinking and behavior patterns. It will take a little while — and quite a bit of practice — to make the changes you want. You will find, spelled out in detail in the following chapter, a systematic, step-by-step guide to change. The key to developing assertiveness is practice.
Cycles of behavior tend to repeat and to perpetuate themselves until a decisive intervention occurs. People who have acted nonassertively or aggressively in relationships for a long time typically don’t think much of themselves. Their behavior toward others may be inhibited or abusive — either one is usually met with scorn, disdain, or avoidance. The response of others confirms the person’s low self-evaluation, and the cycle is repeated: self-defeating behavior, negative feedback from others, self-critical attitude, self-defeating behavior, and so on. (Remember the illustration of the self-fulfilling cycle in chapter 10?)
The cycle can be reversed, becoming a positive sequence: more appropriately assertive behavior gains more positive responses from others; positive feedback leads to an improved evaluation of self-worth (“Wow, people are treating me like a worthwhile person!”); and improved attitudes about oneself result in further assertiveness.
Or the cycle may be entered at the point of thoughts: by saying positive things to yourself and beginning to think of yourself as a valuable person, you’ll begin to act more appropriately. Your more effective action will usually produce more positive responses from others and the resulting confirmation of the original thought: “Maybe I am a good person, after all!”
JB had been convinced for years that he was truly worthless. He was totally dependent upon his wife for emotional support, and despite his handsome appearance and ability to express himself, he had literally no friends. Imagine his utter despair when his wife left him! Fortunately, JB was seeing a psychologist at the time, and after several months of therapy working on recovery from his loss, he was willing to begin to make contact with other people. When his first attempts at assertiveness with eligible women were successful, you can imagine how rewarding it was for him! JB’s entire outlook toward himself changed, and he became much more assertive in a variety of situations.
Not everyone will experience such an immediate “payoff” for assertion; and not all assertions are fully successful. Success usually requires a great deal of patience and a gradual process of handling more and more difficult situations.
Generally speaking, however, assertiveness is self-rewarding. It feels good to have others begin to respond more attentively, to meet your needs and achieve your goals in relationships, and to find situations going your way more often. And you can make these changes happen.
Remember, begin with assertions where you are more or less sure of success before proceeding to more difficult ones requiring greater confidence and skill. You’ll find it helpful and reassuring to obtain support and guidance from a friend, practice partner, teacher, or professional therapist.
Keep in mind that changed behavior will lead to changed attitudes about yourself and your impact on people and situations. And changed thinking leads to changed behavior.
First, make certain that you understand thoroughly the basic principles of assertion. Recognizing the differences between assertive and aggressive behavior is important to your understanding and success. Reread chapters 4, 5, and 6 if you need to.
Second, decide whether you are ready to begin trying self-assertive behavior on your own. If you have chronic patterns of nonassertiveness or aggression or if you are highly anxious, be more cautious. We recommend slow and careful practice and work with another person, preferably a trained therapist, as a facilitator. This recommendation is particularly strong for those who feel very anxious about beginning, as we discussed in chapter 11.
Third, your initial attempts at being assertive should be chosen for their high potential of success, so as to provide reinforcement. The more successfully you assert yourself at first, the more likely you are to be successful from then on!
Begin with small assertions that are likely to be rewarding, and from there, move on to more difficult situations and relationships. Be very careful about attempting a difficult assertion without special preparation. And don’t instigate an assertion when you are likely to fail and discourage further attempts at assertiveness.
If you do suffer a setback, which very well may happen, take time to analyze the situation carefully and regain your confidence. Get help from a friend or counselor if necessary. Especially in the early stages of assertion, it is not unusual to experience difficulty. You’re still perfecting your technique, after all! Or you may overdo it, to the point of aggression. Either error is likely to cause a negative response, particularly if the target of your assertion becomes hostile and highly aggressive (in which case, we suggest you back off, perhaps to try again another day).
Don’t let such an occurrence stop you. Consider your goal again, and remember that although success requires lots of practice, the rewards can be great.
Expect some failures. These procedures will not make you 100 percent successful in all your relationships. There are no instant or magic answers to life’s problems. The fact is, assertiveness does not always work — for anyone! Sometimes, your goals will be incompatible with the other person’s. Two people can’t be at the head of the same line. Two cars can’t occupy the same parking space. (Letting the other person go first can be an assertive act too!) At times, others may be unreasonable or unyielding, and the best of assertions will be to no avail.
Also, because you’re human, you’ll blow it sometimes, as we all do. Allow yourself to make mistakes. And allow others their right to be themselves as well. You’ll be uncomfortable, disappointed, discouraged. Reassess, practice, then try again. (More about “failure” in chapter 23.)
The key to all of this, of course, is choice. If you choose to express yourself but don’t succeed in gaining your goals, is that failure? We don’t think so. The choice itself was an assertive act, as was the attempt. Outcomes are never guaranteed in life.
If you feel your assertions are failing a bit too often, take a close look at what’s going on. Are you setting your goals too high? Take small steps to ensure success. Are you overdoing it and becoming aggressive? Monitor your behavior carefully — refer to your journal and check yourself. (Some aggression may be expected at first. The pendulum will balance itself in a short time if you persist.)
We all want our assertions to work, and we all want to achieve our goals. Nevertheless, the greatest value of self-assertion is the good feeling that comes from having expressed yourself. To know that you have a perfect right to self-expression and to feel free to say what you’re feeling are the best benefits of all.
Usually, you’ll find assertiveness will make things happen. But whether it works or not, remember how good it felt to speak up for yourself. You did what you could, even if the outcome wasn’t what you hoped for. If you have genuinely tried and done all you can, that’s all you can ask of yourself.
One final caution: nothing turns people off faster than a self-righteous attitude. Avoid the trap some new assertiveness trainees fall into — feeling you must assert yourself in all situations, at all costs. Let moderation, consideration for others, and common sense prevail.
Ready to move ahead? Step into chapter 13.