Chapter 13

Take It One Step at a Time

Believe in life! Always human beings will live and progress to greater, broader, and fuller life.

— W. E. B. Du Bois

Okay, you’re ready to move on. You’ve done your homework, found out what it means to be assertive, looked hard at how greater assertiveness might change your life, thought about your goals, and begun to deal with your anxiety. Now it’s time to start the step-by-step process of actually changing your behavior. Take it slowly and let each success strengthen the foundation for your next steps.

The Step-by-Step Process for Increasing Your Assertiveness

Step 1: Observe your own behavior. Are you satisfied with your effectiveness in interpersonal relationships? Are you asserting yourself adequately? Look over your personal journal and the discussion in chapters 1–6, and assess how you feel about yourself and your behavior.

Step 2: Keep track of your assertiveness. Keep your journal very carefully for a week without trying to change the way you act. Each day, record those situations in which you found yourself responding assertively, those in which you blew it, and those you avoided altogether so you would not have to face the need to act assertively. Be honest with yourself, and systematic, following the guidelines for self-assessment described in chapters 2 and 3.

Step 3: Set realistic goals for yourself. Your self-assessment will help you select specific targets for your growth in assertiveness. Pick out situations in which or people toward whom you want to become more effective. Be sure to start with a small, low-risk step to maximize your chances of success. (See “When You Are Ready to Begin” in chapter 12.) Consider carefully whether the situation or person is worth choosing to assert yourself.

Step 4: Concentrate on a particular situation. Spend a few moments with your eyes closed, imagining how you handled a specific incident (being shortchanged at the supermarket, having a friend “talk your ear off” on the telephone when you had too much to do, letting the boss make you feel like “two cents” over a small mistake). Imagine vividly the actual details, including your specific feelings at the time and afterward. The appendix offers many sample situations for your practice.

Step 5: Review your responses. Get out your journal and write down your behavior in step 4. Make use of the components of assertiveness noted in chapter 8 (eye contact, body posture, gestures, facial expression, voice, message content, and so on). Look carefully at the components of your behavior in the recalled incident, including your thoughts, and note your strengths. Be aware of those components that represent nonassertive or aggressive behavior. If a major element of your response involves anxiety, refer to chapter 11. Don’t attempt to force yourself into very painful situations. On the other hand, don’t avoid new growth if facing a situation is only moderately uncomfortable.

Step 6: Observe an effective model. At this point, it would be very helpful to watch someone who handles the same situation very well. Observe particularly the style — the words are less important. If the model is a friend, discuss her or his approach and its consequences.

Interestingly, although such “modeling” has been an important step in assertiveness training for years, only recently have brain researchers weighed in. They’ve learned that we all have “mirror neurons” in the brain that encourage us to virtually mimic the behavior of others we’re engaged with. For instance, we almost always smile back at someone who smiles at us. You can put your brain’s natural ability to work to help you mimic the effective assertiveness of your model person.

Step 7: Consider alternative responses. What are other possible ways you could handle the incident? Could you deal with it more directly? More firmly? Less offensively? Refer to the chart in chapter 5, and recognize your nonassertive, aggressive, and assertive responses.

Step 8: Imagine yourself handling the situation. Close your eyes and visualize yourself dealing effectively with your practice situation. You may act similarly to the model you observed in step 6 or in a very different way. (You may find it helps to “act as if” first, mimicking your model’s style. Then adjust your voice, face, gestures, and other nonverbal components to find a style that’s more your own.) Imagine being assertive but as much your natural self as you can.

Develop strategies or ways of coping with any blocks in your visualization. If you notice yourself feeling anxious, calm yourself. If negative thoughts interrupt your assertion, replace them with positive statements. “Self-correct” as you proceed. Cope with disruptions of your assertive response in your visualization. Repeat this step as often as you need to until you can imagine yourself handling the situation well.

Step 9: Practice positive thoughts. Spend some time going over the material in chapter 10 again. Develop a list of several brief positive statements about yourself that are related to this situation (for example, “I’ve had job interviews before and have done all right”). Practice saying those statements to yourself several times. Remember, this is not a “script” for what to say to someone else, it is a “prompter” for what to say to yourself. As with most things in life, it’s best to begin by being assertive with yourself! (“I can do this!”)

Step 10: Get help if you need it. As we have noted before, the process of becoming more assertive may require you to stretch yourself considerably. If you feel unable on your own to deal with the situations you have visualized, seek help from a qualified professional. (We suggest a licensed mental health professional — psychologist, clinical social worker, or marriage and family therapist — not someone who simply offers “assertiveness training” or “communication skills” or “executive coaching” without licensure or the professional credentials we’ve recommended.)

Step 11: Try it out. You’ve examined your own behavior, considered alternatives, observed a model of more effective action, practiced some positive thoughts about yourself, and obtained any help needed to overcome obstacles. You’re now ready to begin trying out for yourself new ways of dealing with the problem situation. (Don’t skip over a repeat of steps 6, 7, 8, and 9 if needed to be sure you’re prepared, but don’t get bogged down “getting ready.”)

It’s important to select an alternative, more effective way of behaving in the problem situation. You may wish to follow your model and enact that person’s approach. That’s an acceptable choice, but don’t forget that you’re a unique person. You may or may not find your model’s style one that you want to adopt for yourself.

After selecting a more effective alternative behavior, role-play the situation with a friend, practice partner, teacher, or therapist. Try to follow the new response pattern you have selected. As in steps 2, 4, and 5, make careful observation of your behavior, using an audio or video recording to review your actual behavior whenever possible. (This could be the ultimate selfie!) Don’t worry about not having your goals absolutely clear. As you try out new behavioral skills, you’ll become more aware of what you want in the situation.

Step 12: Get feedback. This step essentially repeats step 5 with emphasis on the positive aspects of your behavior. Note particularly the strengths of your performance and go to work on your weaker components (review chapter 8 as needed).

Step 13: Shape your behavior. Repeat steps 8, 9, 11, and 12 as often as you find it helpful to “shape” your behavior — by this process of successive approximations of your goal — until you feel satisfied that you’re able to deal with the situation effectively. These repetitions may seem unnecessarily drawn out, but it’s this practice of new responses that will make it possible for you to create new neural pathways in your brain, change your old style, and act more effectively “when push comes to shove.”

Step 14: Give yourself a “real-world” test. You are now ready to give your new response pattern a real test. Up to this point, your preparation has taken place in a relatively safe environment. Nevertheless, careful training and repeated practice have prepared you to react almost automatically. You should be ready to proceed with an actual trial. If you are unwilling to put your new behavior to the test, you may need further rehearsals or help. (Repeat steps 8–12.) Now’s the time to make the all-important move from intention to action. Be assertive with yourself!

And remember to select a situation that is not too “loaded.” That is, pick a test at which you’re very likely to succeed, not an important encounter with your life partner or your boss!

Step 15: Evaluate the test. Make notes in your journal to record how your real-world trial(s) goes. Note the overall result, your general impressions of your effectiveness, your SUD level (chapter 11), and details on the specific components of your behavior (chapter 8). If a friend observed you, get feedback from him or her. If you used a pocket recorder or your cell phone to capture your verbal effectiveness, listen to the recording. This step is an important part of the learning process. Don’t ignore it.

Step 16: Continue your training. Repeat the procedures described above to help develop your desired behaviors in other specific situations that have given you trouble. Gradually increase the difficulty and importance of your practice situations, continuing to build on your successes and learn from your mistakes. Look over the Assertiveness Inventory in chapter 2 and the vignettes in chapter 6 and in the appendix for examples that may be helpful in planning your own program for change.

Step 17: Set up “social reinforcement.” As a final step in establishing an independent behavior pattern, it is very important that you provide ongoing support and rewards for yourself. In order to maintain your new assertive skills, set up a system of rewards in your own environment. For example, you now know the good feeling that comes from a successful assertion and you can rest assured that this good response will continue. Admiration from others will be another continuing positive response to your growth. Write down in your journal a personal checklist of specific reinforcements — rewarding results — that are unique to your own environment and relationships. And reread earlier entries in your journal to track your progress over time.

We’ve spelled out this step-by-step process in detail because we know it works. No one system is right for everyone, of course. We’ve emphasized the importance of systematic procedures, but we know it will only work for you if you take into account your own personal needs, objectives, and learning style. We want you to create a learning environment that will help you grow in assertiveness.

There is no substitute for the active practice of assertive thoughts and behavior in your own life — when you choose to — as a means of developing greater assertiveness and enjoying its rewards.

In the chapters that follow, you’ll find many ideas for developing and applying your growing assertiveness. We urge you to keep at it and to apply the principles and procedures you’ve learned — at least a little every day.