He that respects himself is safe from others; he wears a coat of mail that none can pierce.
— Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Think about an incident in your life when you felt belittled. The way somebody looked at you, something somebody said, a facial expression or shrug — any of these small acts may have provoked you to question yourself: What’s wrong with me? Why did she say/do that? Suddenly, instead of feeling up, you start to doubt yourself, to feel down, perplexed, dissed.
Put-downs can provoke a cloud of darkness or confusion and may stick in your mind for years.
Maybe you’re already criticizing yourself: Of course I get a lot of put-downs. That’s because there is so much to criticize! Easy there. While it’s true that people scowl at looks, dress, lifestyle, mannerisms, work performance, and speech, you don’t need to compound the insult by agreeing! It’s easy to come up with ways to let people know they are not okay. Too many of us add to the problem by putting ourselves down as well.
Here’s a familiar example: you’re traveling to a distant location and suddenly remember that you’ve forgotten to bring something you’ll need when you get there. What do you do? If you’re like most of us, you’ll likely let out some expletive or caustic comment about yourself. “Stupid @#$%^! How could I have forgotten?” Only the most sensitive and self-disciplined among us are able to step back, take a deep breath, forgive ourselves for being human, and look for a way to solve the problem and move on — in short, to “deal with it.”
In this chapter, we’ll explore some of the most common put-down behaviors and what to do about them, specifically the direct verbal put-down, the indirect verbal put-down, the nonverbal put-down, and the self put-down. But first, let’s take a look at the general idea of criticism.
“I’m my own worst critic” is a comment that appears often in the writing and speaking of artists, musicians, and authors — most all of us at one time or another. In fact, a Google search turns up more than 50,000 hits for the phrase — not a huge number in Googleland, but notable.
Most of us carry around an “inner critic” and are ready to punish ourselves for the least mistake. And maybe it’s true that we are our own worst critics, as contrasted with our best critics. The best critic is one who can offer objective feedback, factual comments that may help us to correct mistakes and improve our behavior. The worst critic is one who criticizes simply for the sake of criticizing, rather than offering useful feedback for improvement.
As you consider how to deal with criticism in your life — both giving it and getting it — we suggest applying a five-part evaluation to separate the best from the worst. Ask yourself:
The best criticism, of course, is based on fact, corrective, expressed in positive terms, fair, and offered in private. The worst criticism is based on opinion, intended to put down, discouraging, unfair, and expressed in front of other people.
You could even use a simple “rating scale” for criticism, rating a critical comment from 1 to 10 as to whether it is factual, corrective, motivational, fair, and private. When you receive critical comments — from a friend, a loved one, a boss, a coworker, whomever — do a quick rating. Then respond accordingly. If the criticism scores on the “best” end of the scale, accept it gracefully with an assertive “Thanks. I’ll give that some thought.” If the comment falls into the “worst” category, you can still be assertive, but you needn’t take it to heart: “That’s an interesting comment, but it doesn’t apply to me.” And remember that the criticism you offer to others should be subject to the same evaluation. Offer it assertively and make it factual, corrective, positive, fair, and private.
Now let’s examine some typical types of put-downs and how to handle them.
This type of behavior is obvious: another person is verbally “dissing” you. Imagine, for example, that you’re leaving an elevator and accidentally bump into someone. That person responds immediately in a hostile manner: “Watch yourself, damn it! You fool! You could have hurt me!” The intent of such an in-your-face overreaction is obvious. Should you respond? How?
Here are steps found to be effective in dealing with a direct verbal put-down:
These steps will help resolve a disparaging encounter where the intent is out in the open.
In the case of the elevator incident, you could first let the person vent until the angry feelings calm down. Then, as the outburst subsides (assuming the elevator hasn’t whisked one of you away), try this: take a deep breath, then say, “Sorry I bumped into you. It was accidental. I understand that you’re upset.” Try to stay calm and avoid a confrontational tone, facial expression, posture, or gesture.
How about this one from your boss: “You did a nice job on that project you turned in yesterday. All the grammatical errors gave it a folksy quality.” Or what if your spouse says, “I love the way you look when you wear that outfit; old clothes become you.” Do you do a double take? Are you confused? What are the real meanings behind statements of this kind?
Such indirect verbal put-downs are indirect aggression. In their book The Assertive Woman, Stanlee Phelps and Nancy Austin describe indirect aggressive behavior by observing: “in order to achieve her goal, she may use trickery, seduction, or manipulation.” They note that others react with confusion, frustration, and a feeling of being manipulated. Indirect aggressive behavior comes out as a concealed attack; Phelps and Austin label the person who behaves in this manner a “mad dog in a lamb’s suit.”
Handle an indirect verbal put-down first by asking for more information. In either of the situations given above, you might reply with, “I’m not sure what you mean.” Such a response allows the other person to clarify the true intent (you may have misunderstood).
Your next response will depend upon the other person’s answer. Part of your goal in the situation is to teach the person a new way of behaving toward you. If the boss responds, “Oh, I think you did a good job,” you might still want to say, “Thank you. I was a little confused. If you’re really concerned about my grammar, I hope you’ll say so. I couldn’t tell if you thought the project was good or bad.” You’re trying to teach the boss to be straightforward with you.
In marriage relationships, some good-natured teasing can be fun. Too often, however, underlying hostilities come out in the guise of teasing. Your spouse may have been kidding, but there are more direct and less destructive ways.
What if your spouse isn’t kidding? Imagine that her next response is even more aggressive. Remain assertive, following the steps above for direct verbal put-downs. Be prepared to go further with your assertion if the response is another put-down.
When you ask for clarification, you may get some valuable information about your own behavior. Remember that a major goal of assertiveness is to level the playing field, to permit both people to express themselves openly and honestly. It’s difficult for most of us to give direct feedback about another person’s upsetting behavior, so we often camouflage our comments in an indirect put-down. Digging deeper may help your future relationship with that person.
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is a taunt children long have used to rebuff name-callers. What’s the best way to respond to a put-down without words — an obscene gesture or a dirty look? How should pouting and silly grins or smirks be dealt with when the person uses no words to help you verify the meaning?
Nonverbal put-downs are much harder to deal with; there are no words, and you can’t really be sure you accurately read the nonverbal message.
If another person aims an obviously aggressive nonverbal put-down toward you, try to get the person to use words instead of gestures. You might say assertively, “I’m not sure what your look/gesture meant. Could you translate that into words for me? I don’t want to misunderstand what you’re trying to say.” Again, remember to avoid confrontational nonverbal behavior yourself. Be prepared for a verbal put-down at this point and respond according to the suggestions above.
The nonassertive nonverbal put-down is the least direct of all. If someone begins to stare off into space or grin, the intent is not as obvious as it is with the person aggressively shaking a fist in your face. Imagine you are about to pay for a purchase when the cashier looks at you, rolls her eyes, and sighs in an exasperated way. You may wish to write it off as nothing personal or merely assume the cashier is having a bad day. If you’re bothered by the incident, however, why not deal with it directly? Ask him to explain: “I didn’t understand your expression,” or “I’m not sure what you mean by that,” or “Did I do something to provoke that look?” or perhaps, “Hard day?” This puts the nonverbal action out in the open, offering a chance to clear the air.
If you’ve done something that bothers somebody else, you deserve to know. Your next response will depend on what happens then, but it’s a good idea to point out to others that it’s difficult to interpret their nonverbal messages.
Conflict with others, such as those described above, is only half of the picture. Inner conflict can also result in put-downs. The offender in this case is you. Put-downs are generated by conflicts, external or internal. The solution is the same: be assertive.
You can behave nonassertively or aggressively within yourself as well as toward others. Be careful how you deal with yourself. Don’t ignore (nonassertively) your inner put-down behavior, but don’t condemn (aggressively) your inner thoughts and feelings either. Be assertive — honest, open, and straightforward — with yourself. Use the situation as a chance to get to know yourself better. You’re not stupid, but you likely do “stupid” things at times. You’re not a jerk, though once in a while you may do something to embarrass yourself. Don’t exaggerate your faults. It’s not awful or terrible if you screw up once in a while. It’s human. Get over it.
No one likes to be criticized, but if the criticism is factual, corrective, positive, fair, and private, we can handle it, and we’re likely to be motivated to make changes for the better.
No one likes the conflict generated by put-downs, but by risking an open and straightforward clarification, with the other person or yourself, the upset can be resolved. “Put your assertive foot forward.”
Don’t ignore or run away from criticism or put-downs — your own or another’s. Turn the situation positive. Be persistent, clarify, and bring your feelings into the open. It takes some effort to get past feeling hurt and withdrawing, or lashing out, in response to a put-down, but the rewards are worth the effort.
Do you have to put up with put-downs? No! You can learn ways to respond assertively, clear the air, express your feelings, resolve the conflict (real or imagined), and gain new information about yourself and your relationships.