Chapter 21

Dealing with Difficult People

Don’t interrupt me when I am interrupting!

— Winston Churchill

You know the type:

What is a “difficult person”? Anyone who doesn’t behave as expected. We do, after all, have some unwritten “rules” about appropriate behavior in our society: be fair; wait your turn; say “please” and “thank you”; talk in conversational tones and volume. Difficult people ignore those mores or act as if they are exempt, often while they expect you to live by the standards they’re flaunting. They’re usually loud, intrusive, impolite, thoughtless, selfish, and, well, difficult!

What do difficult people get out of being that way? A workshop participant gave one of our all-time favorite answers to that question: “The biggest cookie.” They also usually gain control, get their way, and get attention.

Why do we give these troublesome folks what they want? Well, for one thing, it’s usually easier than hassling with them. Most of us don’t have the skills, the time, the energy, or the inclination to try to put such people “in their place.” Sometimes, they show up in a business context, where the policy may be that “the customer is always right.” (Incidentally, we don’t happen to think that’s an enlightened perspective. Nobody is always right. A more workable view is that “the customer is always the customer” and the business is advised to treat customers well, fairly, and promptly.) Other times, it seems more trouble than it’s worth to try to confront such people. It’s highly unlikely that you’ll change them, anyway, and you may even get into trouble for taking them on. So what to do?

Actually, there are a few approaches that can pay off. In this chapter, we’ll consider some of the possibilities.

What Do You Think?

What are your thoughts when a “difficult” customer, neighbor, or coworker confronts you? What goes through your mind?

Your thoughts set the scene for how you’ll respond to a difficult situation. Consider your own first reactions — and reread chapter 10 for ideas on developing more constructive thought patterns — as you take a look at the options for action outlined below.

How to Deal with Bozos

The following discussion offers a “smorgasbord” of action steps you can take when confronted by someone who’s trying to push you around. Draw on those that seem to fit your style and life situation, and put together a response plan for your own “difficult people.” You may never need to fear them again!

1. Changing Your Cognitions, Attitudes, Thoughts: “It’s All in How You Look At It”

Preconceptions, attitudes, beliefs, prejudices — all kinds of preconditioned thoughts are influential in determining our responses to daily situations. Those ideas may be about the way life is in general, the way your life is, or the way this particular person is.

For example, if you believe that life is fair, that things work out for the best, and that people are basically good, you’ll probably respond very differently than you would if you believed that life is not fair, things usually go wrong, and people are no damn good.

Stress inoculation (first discussed in chapter 10) is one procedure for dealing with cognitive responses. It involves systematic development of self-statements that will help you change your thoughts related to specific situations and people. The following examples are grouped according to four stages of a difficult event.

2. Dealing with Your Anxiety: “Dentist’s Chair Syndrome” or “If You’re Going to Get Drilled Anyway, You Might as Well Lie Back and Enjoy It”

A hostile confrontation usually causes the adrenaline to pump — at least at first — and raises the anxiety response. There are several actions on the “anxiety track,” including:

Refer to chapter 11 for helpful ideas for dealing with your anxiety before and during a difficult situation.

3. Taking Direct Action: “Don’t Talk to Me Like That!”

Assertive and aggressive responses fall into this category of action options: standing up to the attacker, saying you will not put up with such abuse, asking why he is so upset, ordering him out of your office, asking who the hell he thinks he is, telling him to go to hell, and so forth. Handling the situation this way involves facing the person directly; speaking up in a firm voice; using posture, gestures, and facial expressions that appropriately convey your determination not to be pushed around; and taking the risk of possible escalation. “When you come at me that way, I’m not moved to do what you ask.”

4. Syntonics: “Tune In, Turn On, Talk Back”

We discussed “verbal self-defense,” developed by Suzette Haden Elgin, in chapter 8. Syntonics procedures involve getting in tune with the attacker, acknowledging her point, and indicating your empathy with her emotion — but not giving in. Techniques include:

Psychotherapist Andrew Salter, our late friend, said it this way: “Never play another person’s game. Play your own.” This process is a sort of “applied go with the flow” — letting the other set the pace and style, but not going along with her or his intent. Your action is firm but not oppositional. Such behavior makes you definitely not “fun” to pick on. Your objective here is to take control — to play your own game.

5. Lifemanship: “What’s That on Your Cheek?”

Stephen Potter’s “lifemanship” systems, including “one-upmanship,” offer ways to throw your antagonist off-balance. In his books, Potter suggests, among other things, getting the advantage before you are attacked:

6. Solutions: “No-Fault Insurance”

Here, your response is to ignore any emotional content of an attack, to simply deal with the substantive issues involved, and to seek solutions to the problem:

7. Withdrawal: “The Engagement Is Off!”

This approach involves either saying something simple and direct, such as “I’ll be glad to discuss this with you another time, when you’re not so upset,” or saying nothing at all and simply leaving the scene.

Some situations are not worth the energy it would take to resolve them at the time. This is especially appropriate when the attacker is rational but totally unreasonable. Confronted with a violent person, of course, your best strategy is to escape without saying anything.

8. Humor: “And the World Laughs with You”

Humor is almost always appropriate. It works best, of course, if you have a natural joking style and are good with one-liners, so you can disarm anger or attack with a funny line. It doesn’t mean telling jokes that might be funny under other circumstances.

Ask yourself: How would Jon Stewart handle this? Ellen DeGeneres? Steve Harvey?

9. Knowing Your Audience: “Not in Front of the Children”

“A time and a place for everything” applies here. You may wish to offer an opportunity to discuss the matter at length in private, but point out your unwillingness to pursue it in front of others, since both parties may find it awkward and a rational solution may be less likely.

10. Requesting Clarification: “Say What?”

This approach amounts to a simple, direct request for clarification (especially if it is repeated a couple of times), which can de-escalate a situation and help put you in control.

Again, your goal is to gain a measure of control, to prevent manipulation, to play your game.

11. Changing the Scene: “Build a Level Playing Field”

Particular individuals — maybe even some in positions of power — may regularly, predictably cause you grief. Or perhaps specific reoccurring situations — such as a routine on your job — are likely to produce certain kinds of problems. Then you may need to work with others to establish some institutional or departmental support systems that “cut ’em off at the pass.” Such systems might include:

The Situation Is Serious, but Not Hopeless

Here is a summary of guidelines and procedures that can help when you’re confronted with a particularly difficult person or situation: