Chapter 22

Deciding When to Be Assertive — or Not

Two roads converged in a wood, and I — I took the one less traveled by,And that has made all the difference.

— Robert Frost

Remember Thomas Friedman’s airport bookshop story in chapter 5? You’ll recall that Friedman asserted his place in line a few years ago, but he says he’d handle the situation differently today. Things have changed.

Throughout this book, we’ve emphasized that assertiveness is, first and last, a matter of personal choice.

Don’t “assert yourself” just because you can. Don’t “assert yourself” every time life rankles you a bit. Don’t go out of your way to look for opportunities to “assert yourself.” When — as will happen from time to time — the natural course of things produces a situation in your life that you could really improve by speaking out, that’s the time to put your assertive talents to work.

“So How Do I Know When Action Is Called For?”

In this chapter, we outline a baker’s dozen questions to ask yourself when you’re considering, What do I do now? Honestly consider each of these questions, and use the answers to help you decide when to be assertive…and when to let it go.

1. What Really Happened?

Are you sure you understand the situation clearly? Have you heard both sides?

2. How Much Does It Matter to You?

How does this situation relate to your life goals? Will assertive action now achieve something important for you? Have your values been violated? Have you acted on similar situations in the past? Is someone’s safety or well-being involved? A job? A promotion? Is an important principle at stake? Have you thought about your motivations for action in the situation? Would you be acting just to “be assertive”? Is this something you feel “should” be done, or will you and others actually benefit?

If your spouse leaves the top off the toothpaste, it may irritate you, but how important is it in the larger scheme of things? How about making a game of it rather than allowing it to become a big issue between you? Hide the cap occasionally. Put foil or plastic wrap on the tube. Buy your own tube. Write on the mirror with the toothpaste. Approach minor discomforts creatively, not angrily!

On the other hand, if the well-being of others is involved, it’s time to act. Maybe your community has created a safety hazard by ignoring a dangerous intersection; don’t wait for someone else to take action. You could save a life by being the first to call the situation to attention.

3. What Is the Probability That You’ll Get What You Want?

Is the change you want even possible? Is the other person likely to pay attention to your assertive action? Are you trying to “teach a lesson” that won’t likely be learned anyway? Can you make it clear what you want? What’s in it for the other person to do what you want?

If your boss doesn’t give clear instructions, you’ll want to let her know. When you do, however, you are going to have to be clear in your feedback. By telling her exactly what you need to know in order to fulfill her assignments to you, you’ll make it more likely that she’ll pay attention and give you what you need. And she’ll know that’s in her best interests as well.

4. Are You Looking for a Specific Outcome or Just to Express Yourself?

Can you express what you want in the form of a tangible change in the other person’s behavior? Is there any actual measurable change you would like to happen? Do you even want something to change, or do you just want recognition of your position?

When your local paper runs a story full of errors — and they all do from time to time — are you moved to let them know about it? If you write a letter to the editor, is it your goal to let your neighbors know how smart you are, or do you want the paper to run a correction so everyone has the facts? The tone of your letter will tell.

5. What Are Your Options?

Let’s see. You can choose to go along and say nothing. You can speak up “softly.” You can voice a firm objection. You can shout your feelings. You can write a letter (to someone involved, to a responsible agency, to the editor, to the president of the company). You can do some research and present your view of the real facts to everyone involved. If it’s a public matter, you can organize a group of people to express a collective opinion in any of several ways.

It’s likely that you really do have some choices in the matter. But not always. Sometimes there is simply nothing you can do.

6. Are You Looking for a Positive Outcome?

Is your goal in acting assertively likely to benefit everyone concerned? Are you trying for the greatest good for the greatest number, or just for yourself? Might your assertion make things worse?

Let’s assume you live in a relatively small town in which one large company is the biggest employer. You work there yourself, and you know the firm mistreats its employees. Wages are low (you know, because you have friends who work in the same industry elsewhere), benefits are the minimum required by law, sexual harassment by management is widespread, and safety hazards are common. Can you allow this to go on? Can you improve it? Isn’t a whistle-blower likely to be fired? These are tough questions, and they are loaded with consequences whatever you do. (We would encourage you to act in most cases, but we don’t have to live with the possible results of that action, such as firings, layoffs, plant closure, or legal action). Here’s where your careful consideration of the issues raised in this chapter will really pay off.

7. Do You Have Assertive Attitudes, Skills, and Intent?

Are you prepared to act in an appropriately assertive way? Have you practiced with less important assertions? Have you taken into account any special circumstances that will influence the situation (such as cultural differences, physical or emotional disabilities, and age differences)?

8. Have You Counted to Ten?

Have you taken at least a few moments to reflect on the situation? Have you defused your angry feelings? Are you ready to express your concern rationally? Have you counted to ten — ten times? Have you worked on the anger material in chapter 18?

Consider what happens when you’re behind the wheel of your car. Driving is a challenging test of skills these days, and not just skills in handling an automobile! The highways stretch one’s patience, foresight, and ability to keep things in perspective. You’ll inevitably come across others who appear less skilled than you consider yourself to be. The all-too-common impulse is to raise a protest, maybe shout something that only you and your passengers can hear, or make a hand-and-arm movement you intend the other driver to see. Don’t! This is a classic opportunity to practice the “count to ten” maxim. It’s virtually impossible to do anything that will change whatever happened. Anything you do after the fact will not “teach the other guy a lesson.” And your action may endanger yourself and others on the road. This is one to let go. (Who knows, these days, “the other guy” could be a self-driving car!)

9. Would It Be Better to Wait Until Tomorrow?

Will you see the situation any more clearly if some time passes? Will the other person be more receptive later? Are you less likely to make a scene? Are there others around who should not see the confrontation?

Let’s say your mother-in-law has been visiting for three days. This afternoon, she returned from a shopping excursion with four new (and very ugly, in your opinion) throw pillows. She promptly spreads them around your living room, saying, “There! This place really needed brightening up, don’t you think?” Ask yourself the questions above and consider if this is the time to react.

10. Will You Kick Yourself If You Don’t Take Action?

Will it really matter to you tomorrow if you don’t do something today? What’s the worst thing that will happen if you do nothing? Will taking action help you feel better? Improve your self-concept? Change anything important?

You’re enrolled in a college class that emphasizes student participation and class discussion. The teacher regularly mispronounces your name. You’re both amused and offended by the error but would like to have your classmates know the correct pronunciation (admittedly a difficult one). Here’s a good chance to practice your assertive skills! (Hint: Don’t make the point in front of the class — at least not the first time.)

11. Have You Done Everything You Can to Remove or Reduce the Obstacles to Your Desired Outcome?

Is there anything you can do to make the change you want easier for the other person? Are you willing and able to give as much as you get? Did you ask for clarification of her intent?

Hieronymous, your neighbor’s wolfhound, poops on your lawn regularly. You’re tired of cleaning up after the fleabag, but you don’t want to create a neighborhood row either. What to do? How about starting by taking a few steps yourself to prevent the problem? A fence, perhaps? Or one of the many sprays that discourage unwanted pet visits? If and when you do decide to discuss the problem with your neighbor, go armed with suggestions and evidence that you’re meeting him halfway rather than simply demanding action on his part.

12. What Are the Probable Consequences and Realistic Risks of Your Possible Assertion?

Might you or someone else be physically or emotionally hurt? Lose a job? Lose a relationship? What is the probability that the other person may become violent? Do you know the other person? Would your assertion provoke a confrontation? Will your assertion encroach on him in some way? Is she a reasonable person? Is pride a factor? Money? A romantic relationship? Public face-saving (as with peers)?

If you’re like most parents, discovering that a neighborhood bully beats up your child on the way home from school is a recurring nightmare. When it happens, your fear turns to anger and you want to take retaliatory action. But what? Beat up the bully? Beat up the bully’s father? Tell the police? Call a neighborhood meeting? Arm your child with karate lessons? Visit with the bully’s parents? Escort your child to and from school? Move? Hire a bodyguard? Demand that the school protect the children?

Times such as this are a challenging test of judgment as well as assertive skills. Consider well your options and proceed with caution.

13. Will Assertion Make Any Difference? Will It Change the Situation?

After all is said and done, how likely is it that anything will have changed? Will the change really be an improvement?

Perhaps you don’t have a lot of confidence that your congressperson does a very good job of representing your views and those of your neighbors in the local district. Maybe you’ve written letters or called the office to express your opinions. Is it worth it to do more? Will it make a difference? Is your representative responsive to local needs, or is she or he governed by higher ambitions?

On the other hand, what about the local school board? Might you be able to make a difference there by paying attention to issues in your community and offering select recommendations (especially if you’ve been involved in community or school activities)?

Choose the targets of your assertions so you get the most “bang for the buck” from your investment of time and energy.