All the mistakes I ever made were when I wanted to say “no” and said “yes.”
— Moss Hart
We have encouraged you throughout this book to work at expressing yourself more effectively in order to achieve your goals in relationships. But we know that it doesn’t always work.
Let’s take a look at some of the reasons why not:
We spoke about this in chapter 12:
Expect some failures. These procedures will not make you 100 percent successful in all your relationships! There are no instant or magic answers to life’s problems. The fact is, assertiveness does not always work — for anyone! Sometimes, your goals will be incompatible with the other person’s. Two people can’t be at the head of the same line. Two cars can’t occupy the same parking space. (Letting the other person go first can be an assertive act too!) At times, others may be unreasonable or unyielding, and the best of assertions will be to no avail.
Also, because you’re human, you’ll blow it sometimes, as we all do. Allow yourself to make mistakes. And allow others their right to be themselves as well. You’ll be uncomfortable, disappointed, discouraged. Reassess, practice, then try again.
There are many obstacles in life that must be overcome to bring about change. Some of them, as we have discussed, are within you (such as your anxiety or lack of skills). Others are “out there” and may be intractable. Governments, for example, will never have the resources to do all of the things citizens would like, however effective the citizens’ protests may be.
Syndicated writer Ellen Goodman tells of an incident involving a “Working Mother” and a cleaning service. It seems that the family’s living room rug needed cleaning. After doing the work, “The Cleaner” (as Goodman identified the firm) refused to deliver it at a time that fit the Working Mother’s schedule. Among other efforts to arrange the delivery, she “tried assertiveness training…and delivered an ultimatum: ‘Well, you can bring it on Tuesday, but I am telling you that no one will be home after 10:00 a.m.!’” The Cleaner arrived at 11:37 and left a note. Eventually, the Working Mother tried “passiveness training” and stayed home for the redelivery. We’ve all been there, right?
Years ago, we contributed to a book for therapists a chapter titled “Failure: Winning at the Losing Game in Assertiveness Training.” In that chapter, we discussed a number of reasons assertiveness training may not be successful for some clients in some circumstances. Among the reasons we noted were these:
Let’s take a closer look at each of these reasons that assertiveness might not work.
It’s difficult even for seasoned professionals to define exactly what “assertiveness” means in a given situation. Obviously, reaching out to another person in friendship or affection is far different from standing up to a bully. And the nuances of behavior, from the huge variety of facial expressions to the subtle changes of voice tone, make it hard to pin down just what’s called “assertive” when push comes to shove. We examined in more depth in chapter 5 the complexity of defining what it means to be assertive. You might want to review our discussion of the context, the response, the intent, and the behavior as we further consider why assertiveness doesn’t always work.
You can’t go around applying some “test” to every life circumstance you encounter, but it’s always a good idea, when time allows, to take a step back and think through a situation. We described in chapter 22 and elsewhere some of the criteria we suggest you adopt in considering whether a situation calls for assertiveness.
Here are a few of the many reasons an assertive action may be the wrong thing to do:
Our psychologist colleagues Dr. Bernard Schwartz and the late Dr. John Flowers, in their excellent resource for therapy professionals, How to Fail as a Therapist, describe the one-size-fits-all mentality with an example:
Dr. Assertion ran groups and came to the belief that assertion was the cure for most if not all interpersonal problems. In one group, a young teenage boy, whose father was an alcoholic, was coached to be assertive when his father mistreated his mother and him. As the result of “standing up for himself,” the boy ended up in the hospital — fortunately with no permanent damage — and the father in jail. (Schwartz and Flowers 2010, 36)
As fond as we are of assertiveness and as important as we believe it to be in a life of mental health, we certainly don’t view it as any kind of “cure-all.” As we’ve emphasized throughout this book, it’s vital to assess yourself and each situation carefully and to respond — or avoid responding — in a way you consider to be in everyone’s best interest.
We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: assertiveness is person- and situation-specific. The approach you use when expressing your love is different from that for disciplining your children, for asking your boss for a raise, and for telling a teacher you want more attention paid to your child’s unique needs. Consider just one component: tone of voice. You surely wouldn’t speak to the boss in the same tone you’d use when disciplining your children!
Maybe you’re tackling too much too soon? We’ve described the development of assertive skills as a step-by-step process. And we’ve emphasized the importance of starting small and building on success. If the first situation you encounter involves your life partner, your boss, or a police officer, you may want to stifle the urge to say the first thing that comes to mind. Get the practice you need in less risky or loaded situations or with relationships that are less important to your long-term well-being. And do keep in mind the role of temperament, as we discussed in chapter 14. If you were born with a predisposition to shyness or inhibition or, contrarily, aggression, assertive self-expression will not come easy for you. It’s worth the effort to start with small steps and build on success. We encourage you to keep at it.
In chapter 11, we reviewed a number of considerations about the role anxiety plays in inhibiting assertive action. In this summary, suffice it to say you’ll need to work at overcoming your racing heart, sweaty palms, and stammering voice before you can expect much success with your efforts to come across assertively.
Assertiveness doesn’t work for everything. And that’s as true within each of us as it is for the life situations we encounter. We hope you’re taking care of yourself in every realm — diet, sleep, exercise, and social and economic circumstances — as you work at becoming more assertive.
Likewise, the elements of a given life situation may require physical, social, economic, political, or other resources, as well as assertive action. Consider, for example, something as far-reaching as local citizen action to get a city ordinance passed or changed. An assertive act might be to appear before the city council during a public comment period and make your case. But that’s only a small piece of what’s necessary. You’ll also need to do lots of homework in advance: research the topic, gather community support perhaps in the form of a petition, offer documentation of similar successful ordinances in other cities, prepare and submit plans and photographs, meet with city staff, and so on.
Especially in your early assertions, you may assert yourself when you have incorrectly interpreted a situation. If this does occur, don’t hesitate to admit that you have been wrong. There is no need to get carried away in making amends, of course; but be open enough to show that you know when you have been mistaken. And don’t be reluctant to be assertive with that person in the future when the situation calls for it.
So, how can you be sure your assertive action won’t fail? You can’t, of course. There are too many variables in any life situation to be able to predict with assurance. Still, there are steps you can take to make it more likely you’ll succeed.
First, we encourage you to review this chapter and chapter 22, “Deciding When to Be Assertive — or Not.” Second, we urge you to be really honest with yourself in assessing each situation and your ability to handle it assertively. And third, we offer this list of suggestions to minimize the chance that your efforts will go unrewarded:
And finally, recognize that we all experience failure. That’s part of being human. When your best efforts at assertiveness don’t work, remember that you have lots of company! The good news is that, most of the time, failure gives us an opportunity to learn more about ourselves and about life…and to figure out how to handle things better the next time.