Assertiveness Practice Situations
The everyday life situations that follow call for assertive behavior and cause difficulty for many people. Each situation is presented with alternative responses from which you can choose, categorized by the framework we’ve employed throughout: (a) nonassertive, (b) aggressive, or (c) assertive.
The situations are designed for your practice according to the step-by-step process described in chapter 13. Pick situations appropriate to your needs, and work slowly on one item at a time. As you read the situation description, fill in the details from your own imagination.
Follow steps 4–7 of chapter 13, utilizing the alternative responses suggested here for each situation and any others you may think of. For each situation you choose, enact the role-playing and feedback exercises described in steps 8, 9, 11, and 12; then continue with remaining steps of the step-by-step process. Remember to focus upon both what you say and how you say it!
The examples are grouped according to several characteristic types of situations: family, intimate, consumer, employment, school and community, and social. In each case, only a few situations are suggested, although the number of categories and examples is infinite. We urge you to come up with more examples of your own to extend your practice.
Your twelve-year-old daughter is having a sleepover with five other girls. You look at the clock: 2:17 a.m. The girls should have settled down to sleep by now, but you can still hear them chattering away.
Alternative Responses:
- You toss and turn in bed, wishing your spouse would get up and say something to the girls. You’re really angry but just lie there trying to block out the sounds.
- You jump out of bed and scold the girls angrily, especially your daughter, for their behavior.
- You get up, speak to the girls firmly (so they know you mean business), and tell them you need to get up early tomorrow and that everyone needs to get to sleep. You make clear that the noise is bothering you, and you won’t tolerate any more.
Aunt Margaret, with whom you’d really rather not spend much time, is on the telephone telling you of her plans to arrive next week for a three-week visit with you.
Alternative Responses:
- You think, Oh, no! but say, “We’d love to have you come and stay as long as you’d like!”
- You tell her the children have just come down with bad colds, the roof is leaking, and you’ll be going to Cousin Bill’s the weekend after next — none of which is true.
- You say, “We’d love to see you for the weekend, but we have too much going on, with the kids’ school and sports events and our community activities, to invite you for longer. If we keep it short, it will be better for everyone, and we can do it again sooner.”
Your teenage son has just returned from a party. It’s three a.m., and you’ve been frantic, worried mainly if he was okay. You had expected him home before midnight.
Alternative Responses:
- You turn over and go to sleep.
- You shout, “Where the hell have you been? Do you have any idea what time it is? You’ve kept me up all night! You thoughtless, inconsiderate, selfish, no-good bum — I ought to make you sleep in the street!”
- You say, “Are you okay, son? I’ve been very upset, worrying about you. You said you’d be home before midnight, and I’ve been frantic for hours. I wish you’d called me. That’s why you have a cell. Tomorrow we’ll discuss your arrangements for staying out late.”
The preschool teacher tells you that your three-year-old is hitting the other children. At home, he pretty much does what he likes — staying up late, playing too rough with the pets, not eating properly. In the past, you’ve thought his behavior “cute.”
Alternative Responses:
- You talk gently to your son about not hitting the other children. He says the other kids are mean but that he is sorry. He jumps in your lap and you say, “You are such a sweet boy. I love you.”
- You grab your son roughly and say that if he hits anyone else, you’ll beat his bottom till it’s raw.
- You discuss the issue with the teacher and with your family physician. After ruling out any physical causes, you make an appointment with the nonprofit family services center for counseling help.
Your partner was supposed to be home for dinner right after work. Instead, she returns hours later, explaining she was out with the girls for a few drinks. She is obviously intoxicated.
Alternative Responses:
- You say nothing about how thoughtless she has been but simply start preparing something for her to eat.
- Screaming and yelling, you tell her that she is a drunken fool, doesn’t care about your feelings, and is a poor example for the children. You ask her what the neighbors will think. You demand that she get her own dinner.
- You calmly and firmly let her know that she should have informed you beforehand that she was going out and would likely be late. “At least you could have called me. Your cold dinner is in the kitchen. We’ll discuss this more tomorrow.” And you do.
Finances are tight. When you receive the credit card bill for the month, you are shocked. Your spouse has charges that seem excessive and unnecessary.
Alternative Responses:
- You realize that you also have overspent before. You still feel upset but decide to be understanding this time.
- You go to the ATM, withdraw an equal amount of money, and spend it on yourself in revenge. You don’t mention the credit card.
- You arrange an appropriate time to discuss the finances, and you tell your partner that when you opened the statement you were shocked at the charges. Asking for an explanation, you also insist that the two of you agree on some guidelines for use of the credit card.
During the past six months, your partner has not been sexually attentive. You’re having intercourse less often, and your partner is not as enthusiastic or caring. You have tried harder to generate interest but to no avail.
Alternative Responses:
- You decide that two can play this game. You withdraw, complain to your friends, and criticize your partner openly in front of the children about nonrelated matters.
- The feelings of upset have built to a boiling point. One evening, after another dull sexual encounter, you lash out irrationally. Your partner retaliates. The verbal explosion lasts for hours. Still seething, you spend that night on the couch and the next week sulking.
- In a noninflammatory but firm style, you speak to your partner honestly and openly about your feelings. You suggest that you take part in a couple’s workshop together or go see a counselor to work on the relationship.
You’re really excited. You’ve been pursuing Lan for weeks now, and you’ve finally set a date for a picnic at your favorite — virtually private — spot on the beach. It’s a beautifully warm afternoon, and Lan is looking particularly sexy. As the day wanes into evening and your mutual ardor warms, Lan asks, “How about making love here on the beach?”
You’re not sure. You like Lan, but…
Alternative Responses:
- “Uh, sure, if you want to.”
- “If you think an afternoon at the beach is all it takes to get my clothes off, you’d better think again, hot pants!”
- “I really like you, Lan, but I’m not ready for sex yet. Let’s get to know each other better first.”
Your partner routinely drinks too much before sex. You feel that the drinking interferes with the quality of sex and that it’s time to take action.
Alternative Responses:
- You hesitantly ask, “Do you think you might be drinking a little too much before we have sex?” Your partner is offended and responds defensively, “It’s just normal social drinking!”
- One evening, when you are being affectionate and your partner suggests sex, you yell out, “You’re a drunken slob!” Then you dramatically pull away and storm off to sleep on the couch.
- At a calm and private moment, you express your concern that the drinking is interfering with the quality of sex for you. Emphasizing clearly that your relationship is very important to you and that alcohol is getting in the way, you ask if your partner would consider getting some help with cutting back on drinking.
At the barbershop, the barber has just finished cutting your hair. When he turns the chair toward the mirror so you can inspect his work, you notice that you’d like the sides trimmed more.
Alternative Responses:
- You nod your head and say, “That’s fine.”
- You shake your head and say, sarcastically, “No, man. That doesn’t do it. You sure didn’t take much off the sides, did you?” You loudly demand that he “finish the job.”
- You tell the barber matter-of-factly that you’d like to have the sides trimmed more.
As you are leaving a store after a small purchase, you discover that you’ve been shortchanged by three dollars.
Alternative Responses:
- Pausing for a moment, you try to decide if three dollars is worth the effort. After a few moments, you decide it’s not and go on your way.
- You hurry back into the store and loudly demand your money, making a derogatory comment about stores that “try to get you for every penny.”
- Reentering the store, you catch the attention of the clerk, point out that you were shortchanged by three dollars, and display the change you received along with your receipt.
You’re standing in line at a cash register waiting to pay for your purchase and have it gift wrapped. Others who have come after you have been waited on first. You are getting tired of waiting.
Alternative Responses:
- You give up and decide not to buy the article.
- Shouting, “Service in this store is lousy!” you slam the intended purchase down on the counter and walk out.
- In a conversational tone and volume, you tell the clerk “I’m next, please. Actually, I was ahead of a couple of people who’ve already been served. Would you wait on me now, please? Thanks.”
You’re at home, hoping for a restful day. About eleven a.m., the phone rings, and the voice asks, “Are you [your name]?” The call sounds important. Then you hear, “This is Rocky Road Magazine. We’re conducting a readership survey. Have you read Rocky Road?” You’re perturbed at the intrusion.
Alternative Responses:
- You’re polite, don’t interrupt, and answer all of the caller’s questions. Soon you hear a “sales pitch” instead of a “readership survey.” The call lasts ten minutes.
- You yell, “You people are a bunch of vultures! Don’t you know anything about telephone privacy? Stick it in your ear!” You slam down the phone.
- You state firmly, “I’m not interested.” The caller replies, “I only want to ask you a few questions.” You repeat firmly, “I’m not interested. Put me on your do not call list, and please don’t call again.” You hang up the phone.
You and your partner are going to a party this evening; you’ve been looking forward to it for several weeks. You plan to leave immediately after work. Midafternoon, however, your supervisor asks you to stay late to work on a special assignment.
Alternative Responses:
- You say nothing about your important plans and simply agree to stay until the work is finished.
- In a nervous, abrupt voice, you say, “No, I won’t work late tonight. You’re going to have to plan ahead!” You then turn back to your work.
- In a firm, pleasant voice, you explain your important plans and say you won’t be able to stay this evening to work on the special assignment. You offer to help find an alternative solution. (Since this is the first time you’ve been asked, you may volunteer to come in early in the morning to work on the project.)
One of your coworkers has been making sexual overtures toward you. You are not the least bit interested and have begun to feel harassed.
Alternative Responses:
- You begin wearing plainer clothing, change your hairstyle, avoid contact, and look away each time the coworker approaches.
- The next time the person makes an overture, you exclaim loudly and angrily, “Stay away from me, you scum, or I’ll report you to the police!”
- When the person next approaches you, you respond quietly but very firmly, “I have no interest in a relationship. You’ve been annoying me with inappropriate comments and unacceptable behavior for weeks. I’ve kept a written record. If you don’t stop immediately, I’ll file a harassment complaint with the company.”
An employee you supervise has been doing substandard work recently. You decide it is best to deal with the situation before it gets out of control.
Alternative Responses:
- You say very quietly, “I’m sorry to bring this up, but I know you must have a good reason why your work has seemed to slide a little lately.”
- You shout, “What is it with you? You’ve really been falling down on the job lately. If you don’t shape up, you’ll be out of here!”
- You take the employee aside and say, “I’m very concerned about your work performance recently. You won’t be getting a pay increase this period. Let’s analyze what’s been going on and see what improvements you can make for the future.”
You’ve made a mistake on the job. Your supervisor discovers it and is coming down on you with extra-harsh criticism and a reprimand.
Alternative Responses:
- Groveling, you say, “I’m so sorry! It was stupid of me to be so careless. I’ll never let it happen again! Please give me another chance!”
- You bristle and glare, saying, “Where do you get off criticizing my work like that? Since when are you perfect? Leave me alone, and don’t bother me in the future. I can handle my job!”
- You acknowledge the mistake, saying, “I hear you, and I admit my mistake. I’ll be more careful. I don’t think there will be problems in the future, but if there are, I hope we can discuss them calmly and privately. I learn better from constructive criticism.”
One of your subordinates has been coming in late consistently for the last three or four days.
Alternative Responses:
- You grumble to yourself or to others about the situation but say nothing to the person, hoping he will start coming in on time.
- You tell the worker off loudly in front of the rest of the crew. You declare that he has no right to take advantage of you and that he’d better get to work on time or you’ll see that he is fired.
- You speak to the worker alone, noting that you’ve observed him coming in late recently. You ask, “Is there an explanation I should know about? If so, you should tell me. What needs to change so you can start getting to work on time?”
In a lecture to three hundred students, the professor speaks very softly. You’re having trouble hearing her, and you can tell that many others are as well.
Alternative Responses:
- You continue to strain to hear, eventually moving closer to the front of the room, but say nothing about her too-soft voice.
- You yell out, “Speak up!”
- You speak to the professor after class, point out the problem, and ask if she would please speak louder.
At a Lions Club meeting, the president is discussing the procedures for the annual high school speech contest. Several of his statements puzzle you, and you believe he has incorrectly described the rules.
Alternative Responses:
- You say nothing but continue to mull over the question, looking up your notes from last year’s contest later in the day.
- You interrupt the meeting, tell the president he’s wrong, point out the mistake, and correct him. Your tone is derisive, and your choice of words obviously makes him ill at ease.
- You tactfully ask the president to further explain the procedures in question, expressing your confusion and noting the source of your conflicting information.
You are one of eleven people in a discussion group on human sexuality. The concepts three or four of the more outspoken students support are contrary to your personal moral code.
Alternative Responses:
- You listen quietly, not disagreeing openly with the other members or describing your own views.
- You loudly denounce the views that have been expressed. Your defense of your own beliefs is strong, and you urge others to accept your point of view as the only correct one.
- You speak up in support of your own beliefs, taking an apparently unpopular position, while acknowledging the beliefs of others in the group.
As a member of the community beautification committee, Ms. Brown’s continued dominance of the group discussion dismays you. She’s an opinionated member who has “the answer” to every question and has begun another tirade, already lasting several minutes. As usual, no one has said anything about it.
Alternative Responses:
- Your irritation increases, but you remain silent.
- You explode verbally, curse Ms. Brown for “not giving anyone else a chance,” and declare her ideas “out-of-date and worthless.”
- You interrupt, saying, “Excuse me, Ms. Brown; you’re making some really good points, but we’re running out of time. Let’s see if we can reach a consensus.” After the meeting, you make a point of speaking to Ms. Brown privately, saying, “I get concerned when you monopolize the group’s time. I want you to know that at the next meeting, I’m going to suggest a discussion procedure that will permit all members an opportunity to take part.”
At a party where you don’t know anyone except the host, you want to circulate and get to know others. You walk up to three people who are talking.
Alternative Responses:
- You stand close to them and smile but say nothing, waiting for them to notice you.
- You listen to the subject they are talking about, then break in and disagree with someone’s viewpoint.
- You wait for a pause in the conversation, then introduce yourself and ask if you may join in.
You’d like to ask out a person you’ve met and talked with three or four times recently.
Alternative Responses:
- You sit around the telephone going over in your mind what you’ll say and how your friend might respond. Several times you start to dial, then hang up.
- You phone, and as soon as your friend answers, you respond by saying, “Yo, baby. We’re going out together this weekend!” Taken aback, your friend asks, “Who’s calling?”
- You call, and when your friend answers, you identify yourself and say, “I saw you on campus this afternoon, but you were headed into class so there wasn’t a chance to talk, so I thought I’d give you a call. How’s school going?” The reply is, “Fine, except I’m worried about an econ test on Friday.” Following the lead, you talk for a few minutes about the test. Then you say, “Since the big test will be over, would you like to grab a beer or soda Friday afternoon after class?”
We’ve covered a wide range of assertiveness situations in this appendix. We trust you’ll find them valuable:
- To demonstrate that assertive behavior can be utilized in many areas of our lives
- To show that the nonassertive-aggressive-assertive format is more or less universal regardless of the specific situation involved
- To prime your thinking about other situations in your life that need your assertive attention
- To offer a starting point for ideas about how to handle instances in which assertive behavior is indicated
You probably had no trouble seeing yourself in many of the examples. Chances are you recognized something of yourself in each of the responses, and you probably came up with some better answers than the ones we’ve offered here. Remember that no one is assertive all the time. As you progress, you’ll be nonassertive or aggressive less often, and you’ll develop a more consistent and natural assertive style.
We wish you well.