BY
COMEDIAN, ACTOR
‘So, Lolly – how are you feeling?’ the host asked. Lolly had just taken a sip of water.
‘I’m feeling good! Nervous, but excited too!’ she spluttered, immediately regretting uttering the most basic sentence in existence on national television.
It was one thing to embarrass yourself in the hot seat by getting the first question wrong. But surely worse still to wake up the next morning and find that your apparent lack of personality on the nation’s favourite game show had been turned into a meme, shared by millions? ‘Basic Girl’. She couldn’t bear to imagine it.
Looking out into the crowd, she wondered what people thought of her, and whether she should try and mould her ‘contestant personality’ into what they were expecting. Kooky? Quirky? Sassy?
‘Well, it’s totally natural to feel like that, of course. Here’s hoping your good luck continues!’ the host chuckled, and the studio audience chuckled along too. Lolly wondered why, because it wasn’t really a joke.
‘And you’ve still got all three lifelines! Impressive!’ he added, a bit too loudly, and winked at her.
Lolly shifted in her seat. Was it impressive? The questions had been easy so far, and yet with every correct answer she felt a growing sense of surprise, and perhaps even scepticism, within both the host and audience.
She wondered whether every contestant felt like this.
‘Now before we move on to Question Six, let’s find out a little more about you. It says here that you actually used to think pine cones were alive…’ There was a ripple of laughter.
Lolly felt unnerved. She had never told anyone that before. But she shrugged it off.
‘Um, yes!’ she replied. ‘I was very young. And I guess no one ever told me that they weren’t!’ She giggled. There were no giggles from the audience.
‘Time for Question Six,’ said the host abruptly.
The music in the studio became eerier, as it always did for Question Six, but nevertheless Lolly felt tense. It’s so much easier when you’re watching it at home! she thought, and then inwardly chastised herself for being so basic once again.
‘The day following Thanksgiving, and the informal beginning of the Christmas shopping season is known as…A) Yellow Wednesday, B) Blue Saturday, C) Black Friday or D) Lilac Sunday?’
The host noisily took a sip of his coffee, and then proceeded to drink the whole thing in long drawn-out slurps. The audience tittered, and a few people clapped. Then he flashed a smile at Lolly.
‘What’s it going to be?’
She was distracted by his behaviour. But she convinced herself that she was reading too much into it. Nobody else seemed to be taking any issue with it, and why would he be trying to throw her off? She was just overthinking things, as she was prone to do.
‘I’m going to have to push you for an answer, Lolly.’
Someone in the audience yawned loudly. Was she boring too? She needed to snap into action. ‘C! Black Friday!’
‘You sure about that?’
‘Positive. C.’
The host paused – an attempt at tension that no one really believed in, but played along with anyway. ‘It’s the correct answer,’ he said, exhaling, and someone in the audience sighed loudly.
Lolly didn’t quite know at what point she had lost the crowd, but she tried to get them back on her side anyway. Self-deprecation and, in particular, jokes that she didn’t find funny but other people enjoyed being ‘allowed’ to laugh at were her forte.
‘I guess, in a way, every Friday is Black Friday for me!’ The host had definitely heard her, but pretended he hadn’t.
‘On to Question Seven.’
Lolly felt like she might be dead.
‘Which musician has had number one hits such as ‘Gold Digger’, ‘Stronger’ and ‘Jesus Walks’? Is it A) Kanye South, B) Kanye North, C) Kanye East or D) Kanye West?’
Lolly remembered the conversation with the producer in the green room just before the show. He’d encouraged her to ‘try and chat around the question’. Now seemed like the perfect opportunity.
‘Well, I’m a huge fan of his, so I’m really glad that this came up!’
The host just stared at her. He repeated the options.
‘A) Kanye South, B) Kanye North, C) Kanye East, D) Kanye West.’
She had tried, and failed.
‘D) Kanye West,’ she answered wearily.
The host raised an eyebrow. ‘D…is the correct answer.’
Lolly exhaled. There was little to no applause.
The host swivelled in his chair and addressed the camera. ‘Time for a commercial break. When we come back? The final question. See you in a bit.’
The house lights came on in the studio. A make-up artist entered and powdered the host’s nose while he downed another coffee, and the audience clapped along to the theme music. A different make-up artist came over to touch up Lolly, but the deepest shade of powder she had in her kit was ‘Porcelain Beige’, which obviously didn’t look right at all. And, before Lolly knew it, the break was over.
‘We’re back! Before the break, Lolly was just one question away from the million-pound prize.’ The host leaned back in his chair and folded his arms.
‘So, Lolly – this is it. Did you ever think you’d get this far?’
Lolly cleared her throat. ‘Well, I guess, I mean – I thought I’d –’
‘Little tongue-tied, are we, sweetheart?’ he interjected, essentially yelling.
The audience hooted and hollered. One man pulled his top over his head like a footballer. The host settled them with the slightest wave of his hand. There was silence.
‘Well. This is it, Lolly. Here we go. The final question.’
The lights went down. It was too dark, if anything. Lolly could just about make out her hands in front of her face.
‘Which word best describes you?’
Lolly was taken aback. ‘Me? As in, me?’
‘I’ll repeat that,’ said the host, and Lolly could hear his eyes rolling. ‘Which word best describes you?’
Lolly coughed.
‘A) Black. B) Woman.’
She waited for the other options. They didn’t come. ‘But…there’s no C or D?’
‘Would you like to use a lifeline?’ replied the host, ignoring her question.
Lolly hesitated, and then decided to just go with it. She didn’t want to cause a scene. ‘I’ll use my fifty–fifty lifeline, please.’
‘OK! Computer, please take away two wrong answers.’
On her screen, Lolly could see that she had been left with the same two options.
A) Black. B) Woman.
She was baffled. She couldn’t even think of a weird joke to crack this time. The host sarcastically clicked his fingers at her.
‘This is dead air, Lolly!’
The audience were screaming with laughter this time. ‘You’ve still got two lifelines left…’
She had no choice. ‘OK. I’d like to “Ask the Audience”, please.’
‘Chris! What do you think?’
Lolly tried to interject. ‘Oh – sorry, I thought it was a poll. Not a specific member of the audience…’
A spotlight fell on a middle-aged man standing in the audience behind the host – Chris – who was exceptionally red in the face.
‘Yeah, more of a comment than an answer really!’ said Chris. ‘Can I just say – I think game-show contestants should be picked on merit, and not just to tick a box!’
There was a murmur of agreement, and a few ‘hear hear’s. Chris sat back down, grinning, and the host turned to face Lolly.
‘Well, Lolly – was that useful?’
Lolly was speechless.
‘Poor girl’s white as a sheet, bless her! Let’s go ahead and use your final lifeline, shall we? So we can all go home!’
He winked at several members of the audience individually. A few people fainted.
‘OK, Lolly. When I start the clock, you will have thirty seconds to ask your mother which word best describes you: A) Black, or B) Woman. Are you ready?’
‘I’m absolutely not ready.’
‘Your time starts – now!’
Lolly jerked into action. ‘Mum?’
‘Hello?’
‘Mum! OK so I don’t have long, and I don’t really know why I have to ask you this, but –’
But she was interrupted. ‘Yes, hello. You’ve reached the voicemail service for Mrs Adefope. Please leave your message after the tone. Byeeeeee!’
Silence in the studio. Lolly just blinked, mouth agape.
Nobody said a word. It was as if no one could process the enormity of the humiliation Lolly had just experienced.
Then, as if nothing odd had happened: ‘What’s it going to be, Lolly? A or B?’
The host tapped his watch and did a huge fake yawn. Some audience members threw roses at him. Others began to chant.
‘A OR B! A OR B! A OR B!’
The house lights were back on, and Lolly recognized some familiar faces. A few girls she went to school with, who used to tag her in pictures of monkeys on Facebook. A guy she lived with in her second year of university who liked to complain that London had ‘too many black people’ and ask why there was no White History Month. One of her oldest friends who ‘ironically’ touched her hair when they went to see Solange.
At this point, Lolly broke. She stood up and started ripping off her mic.
‘Do you want me to be honest? Because if I was being honest I would say that I’ve lived my whole life being defined by other people. And after twenty-seven years of that it’s pretty easy to forget who you believe you are. When I’m harassed, or threatened, or insulted, or even when I’m made to feel invisible, I can be either or both of those options. As well as a million more.
I’D LIKE
TO CALL MYSELF
A FEMINIST,
A COMEDIAN,
A GOOD PERSON…
but when you’ve been called every name under the sun it’s hard to remember who you are and what you stand for.
‘You want me to tell you which word of these describes me? I’ll tell you. Neither. The best word to describe me is –’
At this point she was cut off by a loud noise signifying an incorrect answer. The host clapped his hands together.
‘Ah, I’m sorry, Lolly. You said, “Neither,” which was unfortunately the wrong answer! Thanks to everyone at home for watching, and apologies for that embarrassing, and quite frankly, basic little outburst that we just saw. Here at the show we don’t see colour. But do tune in next week! Thank you and goodnight!’
As the theme music played, the audience slowly began to shuffle out. Lolly remained in her seat, too stunned to move or speak.
The host got up and put his arm around her. ‘Better luck next time, babe,’ he said.
Somehow Lolly managed to croak out a question. ‘What – what was the right answer?’
The host chuckled and was about to reply when he was hassled for an autograph.
Before long it was only Lolly left in the studio. She sat in the hot seat for six hours, thinking.