The Pit

The car rolled over and with it the whole world.

The story could begin here. With the accident, when reality acquired teeth. I was in my pink pajamas, dipping french fries in chili sauce and watching television. I was thirteen and death had forgotten me.

Everything had been fine. Then the grown-ups started whispering, drying their tears with their sleeves and hugging each other, exchanging the news of my parents’ death as quietly as possible. I was still dipping my fingers in the chili sauce and licking it off, as if the disaster hadn’t happened. What was wrong with them? Why was everyone coming over to our house and crying? Why were they whispering like that? I went to see, crept over and hid behind the half-open door, strained to hear. I learned some new words: corpses, corpse washer, quick death, Arar Road. I heard people saying, “There is no power and no strength save in God.” I heard a lot of sighing and sniffling and tissues being pulled from boxes. I hadn’t known, yet, that the disaster concerned me more than it did them.

When my uncle’s wife came to close the door she saw me behind it and let out a sob. For a moment I thought she was going to scold me for eavesdropping, but when she saw me she put her hand on her mouth and cried, Oh sweet little Fatima! Just like that, for no reason. I froze, looking at them, hearing things that meant nothing. Does she know? No. What are you waiting for? We’re waiting for Saqr. God help them. One of my relatives asked me to go upstairs with her. Why? I want to watch the adults cry and fall apart. Come, Fatima, let’s go play. Do you have any toys you can show me? She was crazy, this woman. Did she think I was five years old?

Then Saqr arrived, my half brother, my big brother, sixteen years older, square and stocky, with huge hands, a red face, and a thick beard, the number eleven between his eyes and three lines curving across his forehead. My uncles hugged him. Our deepest sympathies. May he rest in peace. God have mercy on your father. Dad? I asked. Dad died? Their faces clenched in tears that almost fell on my face. Saqr leaned over, looked at me with his red eyes. Your father and your mother, Fatima. Say, May they rest in peace. Mom too? May she rest in peace. Mom and Dad? May they rest in peace. May they rest in peace?

I fell into the pit. The pit I fell into is in me, the pit is me, the fall is me, the endless falling. I kicked. I punched my fists. Saqr hugged me tightly, said, Shhhh. There, there. Don’t be afraid, I won’t leave you. You’ll come with me. I’ll take care of you.

Yes. He’ll take excellent care of me. I’ll become his greatest concern; he’ll take care of me so well I’ll crumble, from the inside out.