FLIRTING IS A way of signaling interest in a potential romantic partner without risking embarrassment or rejection. Tell someone you’ve just met that you find them attractive and want to spend time with them, and you could be putting yourself (and them) in an uncomfortable position if they don’t feel the same way. On the other hand, if you show your interest indirectly and are subtle and playful about it, you have a chance to “test the waters” and gauge their interest by how they respond. If they’re not interested, the seemingly flirtatious behaviors that you engaged in — things like making eye contact, smiling a lot, casual touching, teasing and banter — are easy to pass off as just being friendly. As far as anyone knows you weren’t really interested in him or her “in that way” anyways. But if the object of your desire responds with flirty behavior of their own, you can continue the little dance of gestures, voice inflections and playful innuendos that make up the universal, often unspoken language of flirting and see where things go. (And when I say “universal” I mean it — because flirting provides a low-risk way of connecting with potential romantic partners, in one form or another it has been practiced in societies around the world for as far back as anyone knows.)
What does this have to do with knowing when to go in for that first kiss? The behaviors that we use to get to a first date don’t end there. We continue to flirt, because it’s fun and because it’s useful. Most of the time, a new partner isn’t going to come out and tell you that they want you to kiss them, but they may provide indirect clues if you’re paying attention and know what to look for. Since so much of what goes on between two people on a date happens non-verbally, the ability to accurately read body language can be viewed as a tool to help us smoothly navigate the sometimes choppy and uncertain waters of romance.
(By the way, a majority of men and women prefer that at least some traditional role-playing takes place when it comes to romance. That usually means the guy does the asking out, initiates the first kiss, and, eventually, if things go very well, does the proposing. To keep things simple, in this chapter I'll assume it's the male who'll be making the first move, but that doesn't mean that a girl who bucks tradition and surprises her shy boyfriend with a first kiss won't find him very happy to receive it. While some guys might get turned off or feel threatened by a female taking charge at that moment, most guys are delighted when a girl initiates any sort of physical affection.)
Reading Your Partner's Body Language
Before we get into the signals themselves it's important to mention one or two things. First, despite what some books on body language claim, it's not really possible to read a person like a book, especially somebody you don't know well. People are too complicated for this to be an exact science and signals can have several meanings. For example, if someone crosses their arms over their chest it could indicate that they feel threatened and wish to create a barrier between themselves and another person; but it could also simply mean that they feel chilled and are trying to retain body heat. In this example as in most others, context can help you interpret the meaning of the gesture. Is the room cold? Or has the conversation turned to a topic that could make the person feel defensive or hostile?
In a dating situation, a woman may fidget with her hair because she wants to draw your attention, but it could also indicate that she's feeling nervous or bored. Your odds of reading the situation correctly increase if you happen to notice what people who study this sort of thing call "clusters of behavior" — that is, if she displays several behaviors that seem to support the same interpretation. For example, if she's fidgeting with her hair, and making a lot of eye contact, and smiling at you often, well, chances are real good that she's not bored with your company.
Finally, although an ability to read other people's nonverbal signals is helpful in many areas of life, this introduction to the topic is narrowly focused on one life experience only — judging when the time is right to give her that first kiss. Once kissing is established as something a couple does in their relationship it's much easier to feel confident that your kiss will be happily received. It's that first one, and trying to figure out what your partner is thinking and feeling that creates hesitation and doubt for so many guys. For any guy who wants to up the odds that the moment is right and his date wants that kiss as much as he does, the signals he'll most want to watch for are these:
She Adjusts Her Body Position
Not surprisingly, when reading a person's outside to determine what's going on inside, how they position their body provides numerous hints. When a person feels tense or disinterested they may have a closed off posture, folding their arms over their chest or tightly crossing their legs; they may also lean back or angle their body away from the person they're with, almost as if they're preparing to flee at the first opportunity. But if things are going well on a date, your partner's posture will probably look very different: open, relaxed, with arms uncrossed, her body turned toward you with feet, knees, arms or head pointed in your direction, indicating interest or attraction.
If she wants to be kissed, a woman may find a reason to move closer to you; for instance, straitening your collar or saying something that she doesn't want others to overhear. If she's already nearby, she may lean in, making it easier for the intimate contact of a touch or a kiss to occur. While near you, she may also tilt her head — something both humans and animals do when they register curiosity or interest — but this has the added advantage of putting her in a very good position to kiss, since people also tilt their heads while kissing to get the noses out of the way.
She Touches You
She touches you casually during the date. It may appear as if she's hardly aware she's doing it, "accidentally" brushing against you, lightly touching your hand while talking. But that touch is almost never accidental. She's signaling that she likes you. If she wasn't attracted to you, it's unlikely she'd be introducing physical contact. Women are often first to break the touch barrier, because it's less apt to be seen as a move that could have ulterior motives.
She Changes The Conversation
Of course, the most obvious signal she can give you is to simply whisper in your ear, either playfully or seductively, something like "Let's kiss." Most of the time that's not going to happen, especially when it's a first kiss, but she may use a less direct approach by turning the conversation to romance. She may tell you how much she likes to kiss, or talk about a friend of hers who recently kissed for the first time. If you're watching a movie together and the onscreen couple kisses, she may say something about how romantic or sexy that is.
Even less direct than a change in topic is a change in tone. If you've engaged in playful banter or friendly teasing during the date, she may try to ratchet things up to an even more cheeky level in an attempt to get a reaction out of you. Keeping things light and playful has a way of making that first kiss seem less intimidating, and engaging in the give-and-take of good-natured verbal jousting can help form a bond that makes a kiss feel like a natural next step.
The other way a conversation can shift in tone is to get quieter, with a light mood becoming more serious and intimate. She may soften her voice, as if excluding the rest of the world from what she intends to say only to you. This practically forces the guy to lean in to hear what she's saying. The tempo of the conversation may also slow down, and there may be times when the conversation stops altogether, creating a space in which a kiss can take place.
She Shifts Her Gaze
During a date, how much eye contact she makes with you can indicate her level of interest. Looking deeply into someone's eyes is one of the most intimate things we can do without actually touching. Of course, we look at each other all the time when we talk, but in normal conversation we mix this up with little mini-breaks, glancing off as we gather our thoughts or take in the world around us. But when we're intensely interested in what is being said or attracted to the person saying it, we tend to fix our gaze on them for longer periods of time.
If you're at a point in the date where a kiss seems like a possibility and you're trying to gauge how receptive she'll be, her eyes may provide a tell-tale clue. If she's thinking about how nice a kiss from you would be, she may briefly glance at your lips. This may be done consciously, to let you know that a kiss would be all right with her, or subconsciously, with her gaze moving spontaneously to your mouth as she thinks about what it would be like to have your lips on hers. When she looks back into your eyes, if she adds an inviting smile, even better.
She Delays Leaving
At the end of the date she's in no hurry to leave. When the conversation has wound down and it seems time to separate, instead of sliding out of your car or going immediately inside her house, she lingers, maybe fiddling with her keys or finding other ways to stall. It may feel awkward because neither of you is really talking, but she may be hoping that you'll use this quiet moment to lean in and kiss her.
She Draws Your Attention
When a girl flirts with a date she finds attractive, she may employ little gestures that subtly encourage him to notice her physical attributes. Small, seemingly casual activities such as handling a necklace or earring, adjusting clothes, or brushing back hair may be used to draw his eye to her face, neck or figure. She may do this playfully with a full awareness of what she's doing, or it may be done without any conscious awareness. For both women and men in a romantic situation, flirting comes so naturally that we can sometimes fall into it without effort or forethought.
If a girl is thinking about how nice it would be to kiss you, there are a number of ways she may try to focus your attention on her mouth: running her fingers across her lips, licking her lips or even biting the bottom lip lightly. Again, this may be an intentional signal, or it may be a natural, spontaneous reaction to imagining what the kiss would be like. Wetting her lips with her tongue has the added advantage of making the skin more soft, pliable and moist, and the stimulation can bring blood to the area, making the lips plump fuller and turn a deeper, blushing red, resulting in an even more alluring target for you to press your lips to.
Another type of signal to watch for is any pre-kiss prep work that indicates she may be getting her mouth ready to be in close contact with yours. Applying lip balm, or popping breath mints or gum (and offering you some as well), may be a sign that she's anticipating a kiss and wants to head off any mouth maintenance issues that could spoil the moment.
Sending Her Signals When You Want to Kiss
If the signals your partner sends to you are helpful in understanding what she's thinking (but not saying), the signals you send to her can be just as helpful when it comes to letting her know your intentions. For couples who’ve reached the stage where kissing is a regular thing, the rules relax and a surprise kiss can be fun and exciting, but a first kiss is different. Startling your date by suddenly planting a kiss on her that she didn’t see coming is almost guaranteed to be awkward, but if you find subtle ways to lead up to that moment she won’t be caught unprepared and she’ll be more apt to kiss you back.
Signaling Throughout The Date
You can begin sending out signals early in the date by simply making a real connection with your partner. If you genuinely like her and enjoy her company this should come easily. Be open and friendly, teasing and playful, interested in what she has to say and fully engaged in whatever activities you build the date around. You don’t have to become best friends by the end of the date, but she should feel comfortable around you and confident that she can trust you. Since kissing is just another form of communication, the more you connect with her in these small ways throughout the date, the more that kiss is going to feel like a natural extension of everything that came before it.
Breaking the touch barrier is easier for girls because their motives aren’t as likely to be questioned. Usually, the safest way for a guy to be the first one to touch is to take his date’s hand in his. Holding hands is simple, it’s romantic, and it helps break the ice so that later on the more intimate touch of a kiss feels like a simple step forward rather than a dramatic leap.
Signaling Just Before the Kiss
As mentioned above, signaling provides a way to smoothly transition into a first kiss. Although guys usually send out one or more telltale signals when they're about to kiss their partner, they may not even realize that they’re doing it. With experience it usually comes naturally and without much need to think about it.
If you’re new to romantic kissing, however, it can be helpful to review a few common cues as a sort of beginner’s guide. Think of this as a “cheat sheet” to help you feel your way through the first few times. Unless you’re skipping through parts of the book these signals will be familiar to you because they’re also a few of the signals girls use to let a guy know they’d be okay with receiving a kiss. They include:
Finally, there’s something else you can do to help ensure that she isn’t caught off guard by a first kiss that seems to come out of nowhere: Wait until the end of the date. Some guys may reject this because it seems cliché or lacks spontaneity, but there’s an advantage to going with the traditional end-of-date first kiss. As you say goodnight she’s probably already wondering if you’ll try to kiss her because that’s when most first kisses do happen. In the heightened awareness of that moment she’ll be looking for cues and will be ready to pick up on any you send out. That simplifies things, especially if she’s looking back at you with an expectant smile. When that’s the case, catching her by surprise isn’t really a problem and the only signaling you’ll probably need to do is to tell her that you’ve had a great time and then lean in slowly for the kiss
What If You Guess Wrong?
The reality is that even on a date where things seem to be going well, it’s still possible to get the head dodge when you go in for a kiss. It’s especially easy to misread the signals from a partner who you don’t know well.
In the previous chapter, I went through many of the reasons a partner may not feel ready to kiss even when they have a romantic interest in you. You may be thinking: “That’s fine. I really like this girl and I’m more than willing to wait until she’s ready, but at the moment I’m leaning halfway in and she’s just turned her head to the side. How do I get through the next couple minutes without things becoming really awkward?”
First off, instead of focusing on your fear of embarrassment, focus instead on the opportunity you’ve just been given. Most girls like a guy who can handle a difficult situation. Since this is not a moment that everyone deals with well this is a chance for you to set yourself apart from other guys she may have gone out with. Show her that you can get a turn down without it rattling your sense of confidence. The advice to “just be yourself” on a date is generally worth following, but this is one instance where a little acting is justified. Stay friendly and confident on the outside, even if on the inside your confidence feels shaken. The fact is everyone gets rejected at one time or another, and you’ll discover it’s really no big deal — but until you actually feel that it’s no big deal, pretending that’s how you feel is a valid strategy. You’ll discover that “fake it till you make it” is a way of actually growing into greater confidence and soon you won’t need to pretend.
To deflect any awkwardness, you can use light humor (”As pretty as you look tonight I wouldn’t be much of a guy if I didn’t at least try to give you a kiss.”), you can say something gentlemanly (”Sorry if that was too soon. Maybe another night when we’re both ready.”), or you can let the moment pass without verbally acknowledging the rejection. If she turns her cheek toward you simply place a little peck there as if it was what you had intended to do all along, maybe add a friendly hug, and let her know that you enjoyed spending time with her.
The worst thing you can do when a partner rejects your attempt to kiss her is to overreact by getting angry or upset. She may already feel embarrassed or uncomfortable because she turned down your kiss. If you get irritable it makes the situation worse not better and it makes you look weak. It could also cause someone who’s interested in you to change her mind — she may decide that your ego is too fragile and too easily bruised to make good boyfriend material. So set her mind at ease by taking her decision in stride — if she’s interested in you it will make you even more attractive to her.
When Things Don't Work Out
When it comes to dating, none of us can be a good fit for everybody out there. For each of us there’s a percentage of the vast partner pool who will be a good match, and a significant number who won’t. That's why dating is often referred to as a numbers game. Sometimes a person has to date many people with varying degrees of success and disappointment, before they find that "just right for them " person they've been working their way toward the entire time.
When a new relationship isn't working out both partners may feel it, but, unfortunately, that's not always the case. There will almost certainly be times when you go out with someone who, it turns out, is more attracted to you than you are to them. As simplistic as it may sound, this is a good time to remember the golden rule, and treat your date as you would wish to be treated under similar circumstances. Be honest about your feelings, but also find a way to let them down in as kind and generous a manner as possible.
What if it turns out that a person that you’re attracted to doesn’t feel the same way about you? It’s true that there are relationships that began with an initial rejection and lack of interest, but when you go out with someone who makes it clear that a relationship isn’t going to happen then it’s time to move on. Although we all have the right to approach someone we’re attracted to, none of us are entitled to a “yes” response from a person who’s not interested in being with us.
When we experience rejection, as long as we behave in a respectful way and accept the other person’s decision, there’s nothing to feel bad about. But, of course, we often do feel bad — sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. That’s when a change in perspective and some supportive self-talk can help us move on to more promising opportunities.
Avoid Catastrophizing
If you get rejected it’s important to keep your perspective on what just happened. When a person’s self-esteem gets bruised by a romantic turn down, it becomes all too easy to engage in something that psychologists call Catastrophizing. What is Catastrophizing? That’s when someone has a relatively minor set-back in life, but they see it as a disaster that has long term consequences. In other words, a molehill’s worth of misfortune gets built up into a mountain. This is a very common response when negative emotions get churned up, and can happen so automatically that we’re not even aware that we’re doing it. Often, Catastrophizing takes the form of highly pessimistic self-talk: blaming ourselves for what happened, telling ourselves that everything we do is wrong, deciding that we’ll never succeed at romance or anything else. Human beings are somewhat hardwired for worry because our minds are always trying to keep us safe from real dangers such as a truck skidding into our lane on the highway, but when we allow that process to run wild by exaggerating the consequences of a relatively minor (although unpleasant) experience, it can leave us feeling anxious and less able to cope well.
In order to stop yourself from Catastrophizing you must first become aware that you’re doing it. That self-awareness can take some effort, because Catastrophizing is a habit that usually occurs instantly without a conscious effort on our part. To catch yourself Catastrophizing start paying attention to your thoughts. What are you telling yourself? One clue that we’re engaging in this sort of worse-case-scenario thinking is that we talk to ourselves using absolutes: “This always happens to me.” “I’ll never find a partner.” “No one will ever be attracted to me.” Always… never… no one… those types of words are typical of the extremely pessimistic thinking characteristic of Catastrophizing.
If you realize that you are putting a very negative spin on an experience (or on a future event that you’re anticipating), for your own well-being and happiness it’s important to correct this distorted thinking. It can be helpful to write down those Catastrophizing thoughts that you’ve identified, and then make a list of all the other possible outcomes you can think of, from the very positive to the mildly disappointing. This gives you the full range of possibilities to consider, not just the worst case scenario that your fearful mind is pushing you toward. Even the simple acknowledgment that those more positive outcomes are possible helps to open us up to more optimistic thinking, giving us the resilience we need to keep moving toward our goals. The truth is the worst rarely happens and even if things don’t turn out exactly as we’d like them to, there’s a big difference between experiencing a disappointment and a catastrophe.
Learning to handle rejection well is a powerful, life-enhancing skill. By being able to take risks and know that you’ll be okay if you get rejected, you’ll be more likely to go after opportunities and create fulfilling experiences for yourself. As author Nora Roberts once wrote: “If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no.”