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Ally
The drinks are flowing and music is blasting from the sound system which Justin has set up on Jim’s - Xavier’s dad’s back verandah. Stories are being told, laughed and cried over, one after the other. My heart is still heavy for the man I love. That’s the funny thing about grief, it comes in waves - one minute you can be fine, going about your normal day. Then, it can slam into you like a semi-truck knocking you to the ground and leaving you gasping for breath. Begging the earth to stand still, if only for a moment so, you can breathe again. I know this feeling well. For four years I have lived with it and each passing day the birds still sing, the wind still sways from left to right but nothing is ever the same again.
Today I watched my man bare his soul and crumble to his knees. I had no pretty words to tell him that it would all be okay, no false reassurances that his life will continue moving. Words are wasted in this particular instance, right now they mean nothing. They’re another kick to the guts, reminding you over and over again that life will never be the same again.
The sun will be dimmer, the grass a little less green and you try to draw strength from everything and everyone around you just so you can open your eyes each morning. I look around the backyard, the late afternoon sun splashes golden rays of light around us, but I can’t stop the gloomy feeling which settles deep in my belly.
Today brought back so many memories, it was hard to keep my tears in check. I didn’t get to say a proper goodbye to my dad, my bitch of a mother made sure of that when she decided to have my father cremated while I was still in the hospital recovering. When I was finally released, she told me he was safe away from me where I couldn’t hurt him anymore.
A muffled sob tears from my throat as tears ghost down my face. I place my plastic cup on the ground beside my chair and release Xavier’s hand. Keeping my head bowed, I make my way towards the backdoor of the house, wringing my fingers so tight they begin to sting. Heading into the kitchen, I grab some paper towel from the roll on the wall near the fridge and wipe the tears from my face. My vision is blurred as I stare off into space. My breath hitches as more thick tears roll down my face. My chest tightens and shoulders heave as I sob. I need space. I need to breathe. I need air but I don’t want to return to the backyard. Sucking down a shaky breath, I dash for the front door. I need a few moments alone to clear my head. Xavier has had enough to deal with today without me burdening him with my mini meltdown.
I push through the doorway; the sun has dropped lower in the sky and the moon has begun to appear. I watch as the sun’s rays kiss the ocean and breathe in the salty air. X’s parent’s house is nothing like I expected, not that I’d really thought about it much. The home sits on top of a hill overlooking Merewether beach. It’s a beautiful three bedroom, two storey home with glass walls facing the ocean. When we first pulled up to the front I was speechless. It’s nothing like my mother’s house which lies behind a false facade of happiness when what it really is, is a house of horrors.
Wrapping my arms around my waist, I take the few steps down to the path which leads to the road. Crossing the street, I stand at the top of the hill and stare down at the calming water, watching as small waves crash on the shore. Closing my eyes, I tilt my chin up to the sky, take in a deep breath and let it out slowly. Rolling my shoulders, I let the peaceful atmosphere soak into every cell of my body.
My tears slow until I have nothing left. My chest feels lighter just being out here. Exhaling another couple of breaths, I crack my eyes open to see the sun dip below the water, leaving nothing but the rising moon and a slight glow across the sky. Stars begin to spring free against the clear night sky and my eyes begin to make patterns with them like dot-to-dot. I smile as I remember doing this with my dad.
Heated breath brushes my neck as strong arms wrap around my waist. X places a soft kiss behind my ear sending heat rushing through me and making me hum. I bring my hands up to rest against his. Not a word is spoken. Only the pressure of his chin resting on my head reminds me he’s with me and without even knowing it, he was exactly what I needed right now. Just being cocooned in his warm arms has me melting into him as we stand looking up at the stars dancing in the sky above. After what feels like forever, his deep whispered voice floats around me.
“We have this.”
I nod my head against his chest.
“I just needed to breathe,” I whisper.
His body tenses against mine for a moment before relaxing again.
“If you need to breathe, you come to me,” he whispers.
“I didn’t want to bother you.” I lower my eyes to the ground, I really did want to go to him but didn’t want to make tonight about me. Before I can explain, he swings me around in his hold and my breath catches in my throat as the moonlight catches the intensity of his ocean blue eyes.
“You need to fucking breathe, you find me.”
There is so much emotion in his voice, it sucks the air from my lungs. All I can do after a silent standoff where his eyes flicker over every inch of my face, I nod. His face softens and leaning down, he brushes his lips over mine before turning me around so my back presses against his muscled chest.
“Right now, this moment with you in my arms, is all that matters,.” he breathes into the top of my head. We stand for a little while longer and I notice a shooting star. Raising my hand, I point to it and watch as it fades into the inky black night.
“We should make a wish,” I murmur, not wanting to break our moment.
“Nah, Babe.” X sighs and waves his hand across the sky to indicate the rest of the stars.
My brows crease, wondering what he is trying to tell me. I don’t have to wait long for an explanation and when it comes, I fall in love with him a little bit more.
“Why waste a wish on a dying star when there is a whole sky full of live ones. Pick one. Shit, pick each and every one of them, it won’t matter. You could toss a penny in a well or blow on a dandelion. At the end of the day, they either fade, get lost or blow away. So, if you want to wish, wish upon the silver moon. Even though it eventually fades to allow for the daylight to come, it will always come back.”
Those words, his whispered voice, heated breath against my ear, has goosebumps spreading across my skin like wildfire and tears spring to my eyes.
“I love you,” I get out on a hitched breath.
“I love you too, Sweetness.”
He kisses the side of my head and I burrow deeper into his hold, needing every part of me connected to him.
“If you wanna, let’s do it, but I don’t need to make a wish. I already have all I’ll ever want and need in my arms.”
Damn, this man. Soft tears ghost down the side of my face.