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Bracing my palms down against the smooth wooden surface, I take a shaky breath as the words of Little Wonders by Rob Thomas plays above me. I try to drown it out, but I feel it right to my soul as my heart splits into pieces. I don’t think the pieces will ever fit back together again.
“I will always love you,” I choke out.
Bending forward, I graze my lips over the cool wooden casket. Breathing in deep through my nose, I try to take one last breath of him inside me, but all I smell are the roses surrounding me. A chill takes over my body and I’m left feeling as cold as stone. Closing my eyes, I try to block everything out. I’m hoping when I open my eyes that I’ll find this has been a nightmare and everything will be back to the way they were a week ago. A time when we were happy and in love, excited about taking the next step into our life together.
Feeling my legs wobble, I try to lock my knees together so I don’t crumple to the ground. It’s no use and I feel myself start to fall. My hands slide against the wood, I have nothing left. I feel myself fading away and I allow it to happen. What’s the point in fighting? My stomach twists and gut-wrenching sobs wrack through me. I feel the urge to be sick and try to ignore my bodies reaction when a feeling of being shackled to the ground comes over me.
Strong arms wrap around me, trying to lift me to my feet. I push them away, wanting no-one’s touch. I hear the deep soothing voice of my father in my ear and after a moment, I allow him to lift me into his arms. He cradles me to his chest like he did when I was a little girl and I would scrap my knee. But this time I know he won’t be able to take the pain away. I breathe in his familiar woodsy smell and allow it to settle deep inside, hoping it can reach into some of the cool places inside me to warm them. Even if it’s a wasted effort, I’ll try anything right now to feel something......anything rather than nothing at all.
“I’ve got you, Sweetheart,” he whispers in my ear as he rubs his hand in soothing circles over my back.
I lift my arms and wrap them around his neck and cry hard. I know, no matter what anybody says or does, I will never be the same again.