Three days after I put the fire out on the cake Major Knott brought me while I was asleep, we rode in a troop transport vehicle that took us on a rocky road west out of the valley of the city of tents to a military airfield where we boarded an enormous plane filled with American soldiers who were all so happy to be going home.
I was numb and in shock. I had nothing but the clothes on my back, a small plastic sack containing my pajama scrubs and two pairs of socks and underwear, and a brand-new American passport that identified me as Ariel Jude Burgess. I didn’t wonder about how things like new identities and passports could happen so fast. Major Knott could make anything happen, I was convinced.
To be honest, I didn’t want to go to America, Max. This is an appalling thing to say, but in many ways I felt as helpless and as swept along by the tide as I did on that first day in the orphans’ tent, when Isaak and Abel and those other two boys took me with them.
“I have never been on an airplane before,” I admitted to Major Knott.
I sat by the window. He told me all boys like to sit by the window on airplanes. I desperately did not want to throw up on Major Knott. And the plane was so noisy. Behind us, a group of soldiers began singing a song about a prostitute named Ruby.
They were drunk.
“Are you excited?” Major Knott asked.
“I’m really very scared,” I said.
“There’s nothing to be frightened of, Ariel. You’ll see. You’re going to love it.”
I knew I was definitely not going to love it.
And when the plane took off, and I looked out the window at the world slanting this way and that below me, at the great silver wing rising up and then pointing terrifyingly down at the smaller and smaller gray-and-brown grids of towns and cities below us, I could feel myself being torn away from something I would never be able to return to.
What could I do?
I closed my eyes and wished for sleep, but everything was noisy and the plane shuddered and dipped and all I could think about was how scared I was. And Major Knott, who knew everything about what was happening to me, put his hand on mine and told me everything was okay, and that he would always be here whenever I needed him.
Nothing is true though, is it, Max? Because everything is really something different than we think it is.
I was every bit the same as that crow, forced to come back, to be saved again and again and again.
I was flying, and I never wanted to fly again. I never wanted to talk again. Does that make sense to you now? I’m sorry. I’m sorry for these terrible stories. There’s nothing you or anyone else can do about them now.
The library has been built, right?
The shelves are full.
And as the plane began to descend, my head felt as though it were splitting apart. I didn’t sleep at all for the entire way. When I needed to pee so bad I couldn’t stand it, I climbed over Major Knott’s gawky knees and he didn’t stir at all. And making my way to the toilet, a soldier stopped me and he told me how lucky I was. He said, “Welcome to the United States of Fucking America, kid. Do you know how lucky you are?”
And I said I didn’t really know how lucky I was, so I asked him if he knew how lucky I was, because I’d really like to know.
And he said, “That’s a good one, kid! I don’t know, either!”
You never know, right, Max?
So I asked him if he’d let go of my sleeve, because I was about to pee in my pants, and they were the only pants I owned.
Then the soldier got angry and he said, “You don’t have to be a dick about it. It’s not my fault your country is fucked up. Do you want my pants or something? Here. Take everything we own.”
The soldier shifted in his seat as though he were going to take his clothes off.
I told him no, I actually just wanted to pee.
I think it was the fact that I was actually holding my dick that he let go of me. Otherwise, I could tell he wanted to continue having a discussion about how fucked up my country was compared to his, and how I was going to take everything I could get my hands on once I came to America.
Welcome to American airspace, kid.
But as we came down, lower and lower, I was certain something was wrong with me. I had felt pain before, but nothing like this. I was convinced I was dying. I shook Major Knott awake and told him what was happening to me.
“It’s okay, Ariel. Let me take a look,” Major Knott said.
Then he took a small instrument out and looked into my eye. He had something in his hand that was about the size of the remote control for the television in the break room in the city of tents. He pushed some buttons. Major Knott told me to close my eyes, and he pressed his thumb on my temple and made small circles in my hair. I felt a buzzing, a slight tickle, and Major Knott put the little device on the side of my jaw. Then he slipped the thing back into his jacket pocket.
“Is that better?” Major Knott asked.
I don’t know what he did, but whatever it was worked.
I took a deep breath.
“Yes,” I said, “I’m feeling better now.”
Behind us, the soldiers sang and sang.