What was the degree of the behavior? How did you determine that?Objective language can be your best friend when communicating with difficult people, and it is often the only way to get the response you want. Trust me, it’s helpful outside of work also—with difficult neighbors, children, and even friends.
So what is objective language? Say a coworker is disruptive. That’s your subjective opinion. Will the coworker agree? Doubtful. But if you present objective facts and rely on what you saw and heard, then the true situation becomes clear and undeniable. Does your coworker talk too much at meetings? Stop in your office to chat … on an hourly basis … and break your work flow? With those facts at hand, now your coworker can identify the problem exactly.
Look at the difference between subjective and objective language here:
Subjective: You are irritating to other employees who want to get work done.
Objective: You interrupt people by dropping by their work space to chat.
Subjective: You’re really annoying in meetings.
Objective: You need to stay in the meetings and talk only when the facilitator calls on you.
Subjective: You don’t respect other people.
Objective: You routinely call other people derogatory names.
Even better, once the person can understand the problem objectively, he or she can find the solution. Call other people names? Well, stop doing it.
When discussing a person’s bad behavior at work, the response you get may be "Huh?" as in "I have no idea what you’re talking about," even though you’ve been objective and clear, and—face it—it’s such an obvious problem everyone knows what you’re talking about, even the cleaning staff. So use an example to illustrate what you mean. Let’s get back to an example from the last section on objective language—" You need to stay in the meetings and talk only when the facilitator calls on you."
Assuming your coworker doesn’t have a bladder problem, that’s a fair request. Yet your coworker responds with an open mouth and hurt expression as if to say, "But I do sit in the meetings. I never miss a word." Your only recourse is to provide an example, such as "Yesterday, at the managers’ meeting, you got up three times." Then, lest the coworker claim the event was a mere exception to otherwise great meeting etiquette, give another example: "And during my presentation last week, you were in and out at least two times."
If, rather than your coworker, this person happens to be your employee, record these examples. Be clear about names, dates, and other specifics. You may need them later.
Be accurate. Always. Say, for example, you accused that annoying coworker of walking out on meetings "about 10 times." Granted, you didn’t literally mean 10 times—you were only trying to make a point. But, sadly, the point was lost in the exaggeration of the number. Are you a manager? Then accuracy is a must in your performance reviews too—especially with difficult employees. Being accurate can foster trust, motivate employees to change their behavior, and enhance the goodwill about everything from potential pay increases to awards.
Regardless of whether you’re dashing off a quick e-mail or writing a formal written review, use exact, supportable, and, yes, objective language by addressing these questions:
What was the degree of the behavior? How did you determine that?
How often did it occur?
What were the direct repercussions? How can you measure them?
Did you or anyone else confront this problem before? When and how often?
All forms of messages are not equal. People retain considerably more of the written word than the spoken word, provided that they actually read it. Still, in face-to-face discussions, you can get cues to help you refine or otherwise position your message, whether a quizzical expression, a smile, or a subtle shake of the head.
Here are a few pointers that can help.
The first few words are critical: They’re the ones people remember and will set a tone for the rest.
Avoid unnecessarily formal language. It can sound unduly angry, cold, or alienating. Granted, you don’t want to use syrupy phrases either. But keep the tone neutral or, if you dare, friendly.
Have lots of points? Are you addressing a rebel employee who refuses to follow procedures? Use bullets, numbers, or steps. They’re easy to see and impossible not to follow.
Employees and coworkers hear only every fifth word or so, and that means you need to repeat key points throughout the discussion.
Watch for body language—yours and your employee’s or coworker’s. Sit down to talk and see that your employee or coworker has crossed arms and an indirect gaze? This could signal hostility. But continue watching his or her body language throughout the discussion for signs that you’re being effective. Watch your own body language too. Are you expressing fear or anger? Or openness about finding a solution and moving on?
Don’t forget to take control of the environment around you. Want to give the impression of power? Then sit at the head of the table. Want to appear relaxed and conciliatory? Then sit at a seat across the table. Also, choose where you’re meeting carefully. Meeting in a conference room? That’s usually neutral space. A café signals a friendly space. An office? The power belongs to the person whose office you’re in.
There’s no question that difficult people are a pain to be around—especially coworkers whom you see day after day after day. They create hostility, uneasiness, and problems. Half the time, they are the problem. And you may not like them. But in the end, all that matters is how they affect your work and your unit’s work. So when taking a difficult person to task, conjure a vision of how the perfect situation would look. That vision could be small scale, like that guy who’s always interrupting meetings. Your vision: to sit through meetings from beginning to end without interruptions. Or the vision could be large scale: for your unit to meet all of its financial goals, get great bonuses and extra paid time off, and have a friendly, energetic work environment … then, when you’re communicating with the difficult person, connect his or her behavior to that vision. This will turn a complaint into a serious work issue. Here are some examples:
Complaint: You’re not a team player, which hurts every one of us.
Vision oriented: We want to increase sales by more than 75 percent this quarter. But since you’ve been late with the quotes four out of five times, we probably won’t get close.
Complaint: You don’t seem to realize that this isn’t a social club. We just can’t spend time hanging out and talking all day.
Vision oriented: If we’re going to meet all our deadlines, as we discussed in October’s meeting, we must limit our socializing to lunch breaks.
If you’re a manager, you have one critical record stored away: the performance review. Make the most of this record. Don’t be shy about discussing problems and concrete ways your employees can overcome them. If your problem is with a coworker, customer, or boss, you should still keep records of your interactions—you may need them later. Record events, plus the days and times they occurred. Have any witnesses? Write their names down too. Also, be sure to save
E-mails and other messages from fellow employees.
Notes about when the employee exhibited negative behavior.
Notes about conversations you had with the employee.
Follow-up e-mails to the employee about agreements you made in one-on-one discussions.
Project management documents indicating how the employee affected work flow.
Have questions? Do you find that difficult employee overwhelming or even frightening? Don’t make the two biggest mistakes possible: using guesswork and avoiding the situation. Instead, talk to your manager or call your HR department. No question, they can help.