We need to decide dates and places for …One thing about argumentative coworkers is that they love to argue—and not necessarily because they believe in their point. No, the reasons argumentative people argue are typically personal and rooted in deep personal problems. Maybe they have a mental illness or a personality disorder, or they fall under the vague header of "impossible." No matter, when dealing with argumentative people, you can’t win. So don’t even bother trying—just avoid engaging or confronting them. But when work requires that you interact, take this three-part approach.
We need to decide dates and places for …
We have to decide which of the technology tools we’re going to use.
Can you tell me which of the candidates you like best?
If you want to change any of these steps, just indicate how.
Quick tip: Do not ask argumentative people for their opinions because doing that is a clear invitation for controversy. Instead, describe specifically what you need.
Numbers or dates can help here so that you can establish an end to the communication:
Let us know which one of the four candidates you like best.
What are the two best ways we can proceed with this project?
Give me two times when you are available for the meeting.
Please let us know your thoughts on the project by the fourteenth—at the latest.
If you have problems or want to make changes, e-mail me your ideas by 5:00 on Friday.
If you want to change or add anything to this proposal, let me know by 3:00 on Tuesday. The deadline is 5:00.
Make any changes by the sixteenth because the regulation requires we respond by then.
The manual says you need to give your input in two paragraphs or less.
According to our contract, you can make changes to Steps 3 and 4 but not 1 or 2.
I agree that you are an expert on this subject, but the job description indicates that this is Joel’s area of responsibility.
Even though I’d like to get your comments on all aspects of this study, the project plan indicates that you are responsible for page 1.
If you look at the flowchart, you’ll see that you’re responsible for this assignment, although I’m sure you’d contribute a great deal to the others.
If you limit your changes to three or four lines, we can get this proposal in on time.
Please check with me before organizing the workshops so that I can maximize the number of people who attend.
We’re asking everyone to save his or her opinions for after the meeting so that we can be out by 5:00.
If this meeting goes smoothly and everyone works well together, we can put you on the team.
If we can move through this process quickly, we’ll reach our unit’s goals. And that means bonuses for all of us.
Since argumentative people have a passion for power, they may quickly derail the discussion. Your job requires ultimate self-control. That means, don’t try to win, don’t take the bait no matter how tempting it is, and don’t get caught up in the argument. And remember, argumentative people love to find your weak spots. Make it clear that you want to avoid conflict, and conflict is what you’ll get. So avoid disclaimers like these, which will only fuel your argumentative coworkers.
I don’t want to argue with you.
Let’s discuss this peacefully.
I’m sure we can come to agreement quickly if …
Instead, stick to the specific outcomes we reviewed a minute ago.
I understand what you mean.
That’s an interesting point.
Yes, I know many people feel that way.
Okay, I see your point.
I see what you’re saying.
Then move on in the conversation, quickly shifting gears. Be sure to use neutral connecting terms.
But
Actually
Not really
Unfortunately
But the truth is
Next
Also
Now
I understand what you’re saying. Next we need to discuss …
Yes, that’s an insightful perspective. We also need to review …
Thanks for letting me know your opinion. Now we need to decide …
Quick tip: Argumentative people need to feel important—in power and in control. So avoid using negating words that might offend them, albeit subtly. You won’t be changing your point, and you will be stifling a potential fire.
Only
We want you to change only paragraphs 3 and 4.
You can come only to the meeting for entry-level managers.
We need experts only in technology—not in your field.
Just
You just have to tell us the name, not all the details.
The boss wants you to participate in just this part of the project.
You are just an advisor on this project.
So the next step will be for us …
These are the changes you want.
What you agreed to do is …
Your opinion is that …
Your three responsibilities will be to …
Of the four choices, you like the first and second the best.
Give them ownership of the outcome later—they’re less likely to disagree with their own decisions:
As you suggested, we used the technology tool from Delta-Plus.
We liked your idea about leaving that information out of the proposal, so we kept it out.
Your idea of putting Joan in customer service was good, and we used it.
We appreciated your feedback, and we decided to use your ideas on … [Discuss the ideas you did use and not the ones you didn’t use.]
This is the approach that you suggested in the meeting last Tuesday.