Comments like that are unproductive and do nothing but create bad feelings.You never know why bosses bully: Is it their idea of a great management style? Personal problems at home? No metaphorical dog to kick so they come looking for you? In the end, the reason doesn’t matter. You have to handle the situation to protect yourself. You deserve and need respect and support at work, especially when projects are complex or overwhelming. These perfect phrases will give you great ideas about how to approach the bully boss and what to say when you do.
Sure, you may be confronting the person who writes your reviews, gives you raises, and influences your future. But that doesn’t mean you should accept this person’s insults or attempts to embarrass you around other people. Here are a few starter phrases that can help:
Comments like that are unproductive and do nothing but create bad feelings.
Please don’t call me, or my ideas, "stupid."
Comments like that are unprofessional—and against company policy.
If you have negative feedback about my performance, please give it to me privately.
Please stop [name behavior here].
I don’t appreciate jokes about my spouse or anyone else in my family.
You must address me by my real name.
Quick tip: Be sure to confront your boss privately. A confrontation in front of other people will only embarrass your boss and increase the likelihood that he or she will fight back.
Then try using the respect-demand order. When engaging in a conversation with your boss about his or her behavior, using the respect-demand order will start you on a positive and productive footing that establishes a context for the demands ahead. Here is what the respect-demand structure looks like:
(respect) I respect your opinion, (demand) but I will not listen to inflammatory comments.
Here are some other examples:
I would like to improve my performance, but comments like that give me no direction.
I would like to increase my sales volume, but hearing how bad a job I’m doing doesn’t help.
We all try to provide great customer service, and embarrassing my team in front of the customers destroys our efforts.
I would like to excel in this company, but hearing that I’m not living up to expectations doesn’t give me a sense of direction.
Then be specific about the direction you want:
I would like to know specific ways I can improve.
Please let me know what results you expect and how I can recognize them once I’ve reached them.
What should I do if that problem comes up again?
How will I know if I am getting this right?
What signs of improvement should I look for?
If I find the situation is getting derailed, what would you like me to do?
If we confront an emergency, what would you rather we do?
Because you yelled at the group, three people have switched teams.
You may notice that Jay seems dispirited since you ridiculed him in the meeting.
Since you started calling people "dumb" and "ridiculous," they’re not speaking out at the brainstorming sessions.
After you called our plan "goofy" and other names, I can’t get my team to make the deadlines.
Since the trouble last week, our sales have been down.
Record your boss’s bullying behavior in a file at home. Include dates, places, specific comments, and witnesses. And remember to be objective. Here’s a reminder of the difference:
Don’t use subjective language: The boss yelled really loudly.
Do use objective language: Several people in accounting commented that they heard the boss yelling at me yesterday. He said that I …
Don’t use subjective language: The boss was rude.
Do use objective language: Yesterday the boss made several lewd jokes about my wife at the managers’ meeting even though I asked him to stop several times. Among other things, he said …
Don’t use subjective language: The boss is demoralizing and unfair.
Do use objective language: The boss said the results were "disgusting" and that I am unqualified to do the job, even though I have had high scores from previous bosses.
Don’t use subjective language: Every time I walk into the office, the boss makes me feel bad.
Do use objective language: Every time I walk into the office, the boss calls me …
Quick tip: Protect yourself—get support from outside sources, including coworkers who experience the same behavior, the manager who hired you, or even legal counsel.
I really value my job here and want to improve. That’s why I need to discuss …
I appreciate your meeting with me. I have a few issues I wanted to bring up because I feel they’re interfering with my doing a good job.
As you know, I try to provide excellent customer service, but something is getting in the way.
Working here has been a highly positive experience, but I do need to discuss several issues with you.
I have three issues I’m anxious/eager to resolve with you.
There are a few problems that I need to discuss with you.
Thanks for discussing this with me. I feel much better and look forward to moving on.
I’m sure this discussion will help me do a better job going forward.
I appreciate your feedback. I know this will help.
Please let me know if you have any feedback for me. I always appreciate your insights.
Thanks for letting me know your views and hearing mine.