Do you have anything you want to speak with me about?Anger ranks among the most toxic feelings a manager can confront. In fact, only one thing is worse than confronting an angry employee, and that’s not confronting the employee. In these cases, employees act out their emotions indirectly: talking behind your back, sabotaging projects by missing deadlines, and giving less than 100 percent. So make sure you provide an environment in which employees can speak to you openly and honestly—without negating your control! Here are some phrases that can help.
Stay alert for signs that employees might be angry—especially when work pressure gets higher than usual. Ask them how they are feeling—without assuming anything:
Do you have anything you want to speak with me about?
Are you okay?
How are things going with the project?
If you confront any obstacles or want to discuss anything with me, I’ll be in my office all day.
Is anything going on that I should know about?
I’d like an update about the project—what are your impressions so far?
Anything you need to tell me about how you’re feeling about work?
I’m interested in your thoughts, so please tell me.
Anger, as you surely know, ranks as one of the most consuming emotions we experience. It can block out employees’ reasoning ability and also their ability to listen and understand. So you must first address the emotional states of these employees—not necessarily by calling attention to them but by calming the employees down. Then get them to express the causes of their anger:
You need to relax a minute.
Calm down and then tell me what you’re thinking.
Take a few breaths and then we’ll talk.
Do you want to get some water?
Are you okay? Want a few minutes?
The feeling will only build or, equally bad, fester. Instead, address the anger immediately:
Why don’t you sit down and tell me what you’re thinking.
Let’s look at your concerns and see how we can address them.
Tell me specifically what’s bothering you.
I know you have strong feelings, and I’d like to hear them.
What, exactly, are you thinking?
I’m surprised to see you’re so angry—what’s the problem?
I’d like to address your feeling about this.
Quick tip: The 10-Minute Rule: Wait 10 minutes, but not much longer, before confronting employees who have had outbursts so that they can calm down and respond rationally—not emotionally. Then respond confidently and quickly to ensure that you have control.
In some cases, you may need to delay your meeting with angry employees because of schedule issues and other matters. In that case, you might say:
I want to know more about what you’re thinking. Why not come to my office at 3:00 so that we can talk?
This really deserves some focus. E-mail me about when we can meet, either this afternoon or tomorrow morning.
We need to address this issue privately, so let’s meet in my office on Thursday. How does 11:00 sound?
Why don’t you write a list of the core issues we should address and then meet with me tomorrow afternoon to discuss them.
Quick tip: Some employees are more than willing to vent in a meeting—even about peripheral issues. Have an audience? All the better. In this case, you need to tell them that to avoid spreading their negative feelings to the rest of your team and derailing the agenda, you’ll address their concerns later. Make sure you’re clear about when you plan to talk so that other employees know you fully intend to address the issue. In the process, you’ll promote an atmosphere of openness.
If employees reveal anger in meetings, use this two-part strategy:
(acknowledge) Since your feelings are so strong, (plan) we should talk about them separately. Let’s meet in my office first thing Monday for about an hour.
(acknowledge) I think we should discuss this separately.
(plan) Schedule a meeting with me later.
(acknowledge) Why don’t you write these thoughts down, (plan) and then schedule a meeting to discuss them with me?
(acknowledge) You already mentioned that point. (plan) I’d like you to come up with some solutions and discuss them with me—in my office—later tomorrow.
(acknowledge) Why don’t you hold those feelings for now, and we’ll spend time talking about them later. (plan) Talk to me after this meeting to find a time.
If angry employees vent later in the meetings, refer to your most recent conversation:
As I said, we should talk about this later.
Once you write down those thoughts, we’ll discuss them systematically.
Save this for our one-on-one meeting also.
We’ll review this point later.
As I said, we need to let other people take the floor. We’ll talk separately.
Put this on our agenda for that meeting.
This will have to wait—as I said.
Discuss what’s appropriate. Let your out-of-control employees know the appropriate means available to them for expressing anger:
If you have issues you want to address, you must be rational and systematic in your approach. Name-calling and raising your voice won’t help and are against company policy.
You need to find the right times to express your views. In front of customers is not one of them.
You need to raise your concerns with me privately, in my office or by e-mail. At meetings, we need to stay on track, and we can’t digress to spend time on issues that concern only you.
You need to determine precisely what the problem is and the solutions you think would help. Outbursts will help none of us.
Please reserve your viewpoints for appropriate times and places. The communications guideline will help.
Don’t attempt to label angry feelings as such. To you, it looks like anger. And, indeed, it may be anger. But defensive, passive-aggressive, or overly sensitive employees may hide behind words. Ask such employees to explain their anger and they might derail any discussion by saying "I’m not angry" or by relegating such feelings to less intense words such as frustrated or upset. Instead, say:
I’d like to know how you’re feeling.
You seem to have some strong feelings about this matter.
Since you have a great deal to say about office policies, I thought we should talk.
I’m interested in what you’re thinking.
I know you have a lot of thoughts about this matter—I’d like to know more.
Quick tip: Often, when employees discuss issues that anger them, they simply want to be heard. So let them finish their sentences and don’t interrupt. If they seem to be piling up points, take brief notes so you can address each one individually. At times, you may need to interrupt with a question to gain clarity. This is fine; in fact, it reveals that you are listening closely.
What did you mean by that last point?
I wasn’t clear about what you meant when you said "unfair." Do you mean to the customer? Or to the employees?
Can you repeat that last statement—just so I get it right?
Did you or the customer say that?
Did anyone see the interaction?
How many times do you think you were in this position?
When possible, build a sense of synergy and understanding. For example, you may fully accept the reasons for the anger some employees feel: Perhaps another unit interfered with their progress needlessly, or perhaps circumstances didn’t go their way. So it’s important to validate your employees’ feelings—without suggesting this entitles them to destructive rage.
I can see how you feel that way.
That’s an interesting point of view, and we should pay attention to it.
I’m sure other people feel that way as well. Now here’s what really happened.
I had no idea that’s how you saw the situation.
That’s a tough outlook—I see why your feelings are so strong.
That’s how I felt too.
It may be difficult or impossible to understand employees who are speaking too quickly, making too many points at once, or contradicting themselves. When that’s the case, use these expressions:
Let me summarize what you just said, and tell me if I have it right.
What I think you said was this: …
Am I right in thinking you made these major points: …
Just to clarify, did you mean that …
I want to understand what you’re saying, so please repeat that last point slowly so I can get it.
Be entirely objective, relying on specific incidents and outcomes to support your point. Beware of discussing your emotional reactions:
As I recall, the situation occurred this way: …
I understand your point; however, the policy manual requires that I …
He has a stellar record; in fact, more customers compliment him than any other employee.
Your job description specifically states that you need to be responsible for those matters.
If you look on the project plan, you’ll see that you need to …
To get a promotion, you need to have … as you will see in the job description posted online.
Keep your discussion forward looking. Sure, something negative happened, but focus on ways you can get through those difficulties or on lessons you can learn in the future. Make your comments action oriented so that you and your angry employees can take definite and identifiable steps to avert volatile situations in the future. And, above all, make sure the employees agree to all the steps—out loud. And take notes—you might need them later.
So here are the three main ways we can avoid this in the future.
I will get back to you about this within two days.
We agreed that you will do the following: …
These are the steps you said you’d take next. Let me know if I can help.
So we agree on the following points: …
What I’m taking away from all this is … Do you agree?
So we agree on these points … let me know if you have anything to add.
This is where we’ll go from here … Does that sound good?
I’ll see what I can do, and if you come up with ideas, let me know.
This will help employees have ownership of the follow-up action—and the results:
How could this situation have gone better?
What are some specific ways we could improve the office in this regard?
What are the three or four changes you would like to make?
List the three most important steps you think our team could take to improve this situation.
Give me some examples of how others have successfully addressed situations like this one.
Let’s make a quick list of all the things that you feel strongly about, and then go back and look for ways to resolve them.
Over the next two weeks, you’re going to …
I want you to document … and then get back to me in two weeks. We’ll see how the situation has improved.
I’m going to reassign you to … Let me know how that works.
I’m going to talk to Carol and see what we can do. Then she’ll get back to you—by early January at the latest.
Quick tip: Have angry or volatile employees? Don’t know how to deal with them? Think they may be suffering from mental health issues that are at the heart of the problem? Then contact HR immediately.