ARES
Where is Aurora? Where the fuck is she?
I paced back and forth in our bedroom, my thoughts racing through my head at lightning fucking speed. I should’ve never let Aurora go by herself to that cave. For the first time since that hound attack, we were separated by more than a couple blocks.
She was somewhere deep in the forest, where I couldn’t protect her.
And I had let her go.
I’d fucking let her go.
How could I ever protect her and our baby? All those dreams last night—every night since Mars had died—proved one thing and one thing only. Throughout my lifetimes, I hadn’t been able to protect Aurora once. What would make this time any different?
The god of war was nothing but weak, frail, and powerless.
Aurora deserved more than me. I could offer her nothing.
With Charolette dying, Mars gone, and my fucking control slipping, I … I dug my claws into my palms and closed my eyes at the feel of pain. At first, this felt like what I deserved. But then relief flooded through my body, something I couldn’t quite explain. For a moment, everything was peaceful again, and all I could focus on was the slight, dull pain on my palms.
I wanted it to stop.
I wanted the hurt to stop, the anxiety to stop, the nightmares to stop.
Pain had always been the only way to bring me back down to reality. It was the only thing that I could control before the horrid thoughts and memories, nightmares and dreams flooded my mind once more.
And in an instant, all that pain was back and so loud that I couldn’t think straight.
I’m not good enough. I can never protect Aurora. Our baby will die along with her.
Weak.
A weak man.
I am a weak fucking man who can’t do anything fucking right.
I let Aurora walk through the forest alone.
I let her fucking go.
Staring at myself in the bathroom mirror, I shook my head at how weak I looked.
A man with tears in his eyes. A man with scars that didn’t heal. A man with pain.
It felt like the agony of a hundred thousand warriors howling and dying in battle. The thoughts never stopped. The pain never stopped. The insecurities never stopped. No matter how fucking hard I tried to get them to go away.
After splashing some water on my face to try to think clearly, I growled louder than I ever had and slammed my fist into the bathroom mirror. The bloody glass clattered into the sink. Some broken pieces still attached to the wall were cracked in all directions.
Snatching a large piece of glass in my palm, I let my skin tear to shreds against the sharp edges. My sister was dying. I couldn’t protect Mars. I would never be able to protect my family from the hurt. There was too much of it, too fucking much.
A tear slid down my cheek. I’d never be a good father.
All the little white scars on my forearms were reminders of how weak I really was.
I wasn’t a strong god. I was just a weak wolf.
I pushed a piece of glass against my forearm and let it sink deep. The blood trickled from the small incision. Weak. I was so weak. I didn’t deserve Aurora. I had lost her once already, and I would lose her again.
It seemed we had always been a secret, never able to be truly together. But now, we were, and I loved her with my entire heart. There was no way—no fucking way—I could lose her. I needed my control back.
Everything was so loud.
All I could see was her eyes staring back at me in the cracked mirror, her once-lively eyes so dull and dead.
Deeper. I pushed the glass deeper until I felt like I could breathe again.
My shoulders slumped forward, and I watched bead after bead of blood drip into the white sink. I rested my forearm against the counter and took a huge breath of air. Everything was calm again, calmer than it had been since the night of the Luna Ceremony when I pulled Aurora close and kissed her for the first time as my luna.
This was what I needed.
This was the only thing that helped me think straight anymore.
I fucking loved Aurora so much. I had to do this for her.