CHAPTER 37

I put my phone on vibrate as soon as I got home. I created a schedule and color-coded it using my favorite highlighters. If I used all my free minutes in the next week, I could get the paper finished and study for the math test. I ignored the occasional buzz from my phone as I reviewed my math notes and went over the quiz. The mistakes were embarrassing, now that I knew what in hell I was supposed to be doing. I remembered the notes Jack had asked me to return to Becca and was about to text her to ask how on earth Jack had ended up with her notes, since she never spoke to him, but then I reminded myself that I was supposed to be focusing on my schoolwork. I’d have to ask her later.

The essay was a write-off; I needed to start from scratch. I normally took detailed notes whenever I read a book for English class, but I’d been so far behind on my schoolwork that I’d basically just skimmed King Lear. I had nothing to fall back on except a few vague notes I’d taken in class: fool = wise, king = fool. Not exactly the stuff of an A+ paper.

My phone wasn’t just buzzing with texts anymore. Someone had to be calling me because it was creeping its way to the edge of my bedside table. I picked it up, trying to ignore the messages and missed call notifications. But when I saw Charlotte’s name, I couldn’t stop myself taking a quick peek.

r we facetiming tonight?

where r u?

everything ok?

2 missed calls from Charlotte Russell.

I dropped the phone on my quilt and rubbed my eyes with the palms of my hands, trying to contain the tears that wanted to escape. Here was another thing I was messing up. I’d forgotten that I told Charlotte we could FaceTime. How was I going to cancel on her? I was grounded, so it wasn’t like I could make up for it with a nice date later. But creating a study schedule had made something very clear: I had time for schoolwork, the play, and minimal sleep. Nothing else. Was I supposed to give up everything I’d worked so hard to accomplish for a girl I’d only just started dating? Hadn’t I made fun of those girls, the ones who fawned over their boyfriends instead of pursuing their own goals?

How did Charlotte have so much free time anyway? Didn’t she have lines to memorize? Didn’t she ever do homework? I knew she wasn’t applying for scholarships, but she was applying to universities. She couldn’t get by on cool hair alone.

I grabbed my phone and angrily punched in a terse message: I can’t talk tonight. Sorry. Work to do.

In seconds, Charlotte called. I should have ignored her call, should have left things alone until the irrational anger had passed. But I didn’t. Instead, I answered the phone. “Hi.” My tone was frosty. I wanted her to know the call was unwanted.

“Hi,” Charlotte didn’t seem to notice the tone. Or maybe she chose to ignore it. “You need to take a break at some point. Take it with me. I’ll help you unwind.” She was flirting! It was like nothing was ever serious to her.

“I can’t take a break. I failed a math quiz, and I have to rewrite an essay.” I could feel the tension in my jaw radiating down my neck.

“It’s just a quiz,” Charlotte said. She was so dismissive, so nonchalant about it.

“Failing the quiz means I’m not prepared for the unit test, which is next week. Plus, there’s the essay!”

“Sorry. I just meant, it’s not as if you failed some major assignment. You can catch up.” I knew Charlotte was just trying to reassure me, but part of me felt like she was judging me. Here was the cool girl trying to get her nerdy girlfriend to chill.

“I know I can catch up!” I snapped. “But that takes time. I can’t hang out with you all the time.”

“We don’t hang out all the time! What’s your deal?” Charlotte wasn’t trying to reassure me any longer. Good.

I started pacing my room. “I need to focus, okay?”

“Fine.”

“What does that mean?” I knew I was picking a fight, and I didn’t even want to stop myself.

“It means I don’t appreciate you making it sound like it’s my fault that you failed some stupid quiz.”

“I didn’t say it was your fault.”

“You sure as hell implied it was.”

“I don’t have time for this!”

“Well, neither do I.”

For the first time since our first date, the silence between us was awkward. No, not awkward. It was uncomfortable. We were holding back, but we could both guess at the things left unsaid.

Finally, Charlotte broke the silence. “I’d better go. Princess Sunshine needs his walk.”

I wanted to feel bad for starting the fight, but I didn’t. “Bye.” We hung up, both obviously angry. I threw my phone on my bed and stared at it. As I calmed down, I wondered what had come over me. Why had I taken my anger out on Charlotte? I was angry with myself, not her. I sat on the edge of my bed, head in hands. Had I just ruined my first real relationship? Had we broken up?

I picked up my phone, but I couldn’t think of a single thing to say or text. I knew how much acting meant to her. Why couldn’t she see how much school meant to me? Was it because liking school was so uncool that she couldn’t empathize? Could I be with someone who didn’t respect how hard I worked? She didn’t understand how much being valedictorian meant to me. She was cool and confident and beautiful and talented. She didn’t know what it was like to feel like you were never enough, that you had to constantly prove yourself to people.

I picked up my copy of King Lear, intending to read it, but instead I found myself throwing the paperback across the room. It thudded against the wall in a satisfying way. Screw you, Shakespeare! I thought. Why do you have to keep ruining my life?