Jared dropped into the booth across from Alex. The small restaurant attached to the bowling alley was busy. The confusion made the table where they sat an oasis of calm. The shouts, laughter, and chatter assured their privacy. Alex pushed his basket of fries toward the center of the table in silent invitation. Jared grabbed a handful and settled back.
"So what's going on with you?" he asked with a grin before starting on the fries. Alex shrugged, eating another fry, one elbow on the table, chin propped in the heel of his hand. He didn't meet Jared's eyes, a sure sign something was wrong.
"I don't know, it's stupid. I'm stupid, life's stupid." He looked up. "Everything's stupid but you."
Jared struggled to hold back a laugh. He picked up his Coke and took a drink.
"Dude, I just meant, how are you," Jared said, and Alex blushed. He remained slumped over his snack, shaking his head.
"Sorry," he muttered. Jared turned to lean against the wall, stretching his long legs along the bench. He ate a fry while studying Alex's unusually downcast appearance.
"Why are you stupid?" Jared asked.
If anything, the question made the boy worse, hunching his shoulders, and staring miserably into his chocolate shake.
"It's just, IkeephavingdreamsaboutClark," he said in such a rush that Jared had to take a second to sort out the words. Upon figuring it out, it was another struggle to keep his amusement contained.
"Maybe you are secretly in love with him," Jared suggested. The look on Alex's face was priceless.
"If you can't say something useful then shut up," he muttered, "we all know I'm in love with…"
"…the idea of getting laid," interrupting Alex before any harm was done. Jared sat up, his feet hitting the floor. He leaned forward, resting his forearms on the table. Alex snorted his disgust at Jared's obvious diversionary tactic but let it go.
"Yeah, that's it, because Clark's so hot he's irresistible to all humankind," Alex said. Clark chose that minute to plop down beside Alex.
"Well that's not news," Clark said, grabbing a handful of fries, uninvited, from the quickly diminishing supply. He shoved them into his mouth and reached for Alex's shake. "Do you think I should be nervous? What with my fag friends talking about how hot I am and all." Alex shoved Clark so hard he almost fell off the end of the booth. Clark burst out laughing, raising his hands in surrender.
"Kidding man, kidding!" He choked on his fries, and Alex pounded his back in an effort to keep him from dying. Eyes watering, Clark gulped down half of Alex's milkshake.
When he could breathe again, he settled back in the booth. "What are we talking about?"
Alex shot a pleading look in Jared's direction. He gave up his efforts at restraint and laughed at them.
"We were trying to decide who the hottest straight guy we know is, and your name may have come up." Jared winked at him and Clark blushed.
"Cut it out," he muttered, ducking his head, "so did Al tell you the news?" Clark changed the subject and Alex looked horrified.
"Clark, shut up!" he exclaimed, shoving the fry basket in front of him. "Eat or something." Clark looked between Jared and Alex, his expression smug.
"You haven't told him!" exclaimed Clark, with nothing short of glee. "Ow!" He almost hit his head on the table as he grabbed his leg. "You don't have to kick me."
"Punching isn't polite." Alex glared.
Clark chuckled into his pilfered food, not looking at all sorry.
"Told me what?" Jared asked. Every so often, it was obvious his new friends were fifteen, or less, like maybe two. Alex stared at the stained laminate tabletop.
Clark glanced at him and shrugged. "Not that big a deal," he said. His shoulder bumped Alex's. "Dude says he's not sure if he's gay. Crazy talk, he's the biggest faggot I know. Almost." His eyes met Jared's eyes, sparkling with mischief and waiting to see if Jared would take the bait. Jared ignored him. Alex shook his head, hunching his shoulders in a failed effort at hiding.
"Let's go," Jared said. The boys stared at him.
"Where?" Clark asked around the fries he was stuffing in his mouth, alarmed he might not get to finish.
"For a walk," Jared said, reaching to rough Alex's hair, "no big deal."
Clark scooped the remaining fries in one hand, grabbing the shake with his other. He followed Jared. Alex joined them, lagging behind and looking unhappy. Once out of the noisy chaos of the bowling alley, Jared led them to his truck.
"That'll be riding," Clark pointed out, washing the final fries down with the last slurp of the shake.
"Clark, just shut up," Alex begged, looking less upset than before. He aimed a kick at Clark's ankle. Ready for the much-played game, Clark sidestepped, while pretending not to notice Alex's attempt at violence. Jared retrieved a Frisbee from under the seat.
"Walking," he assured Clark, leading them towards the park.
It was a fifteen-minute walk, and the younger guys cut up all the way, bouncing off each other and tormenting Jared. The park spread out in front of them with jogging trails cut through the lush green grass and strategically placed groups of trees. The centerpiece of the park was the small lake inhabited by ducks, frogs, and fish. Toddlers fished for minnows. Joggers ignored the world, and small clusters of people walked and talked together. The young outnumbered the old, two to one. The population of the college kept the town alive, the young people its lifeblood. Clark took off, cutting across grass and jogging paths.
"Hit me!" he yelled, turning to run backwards, hands up for the Frisbee.
"I wish," muttered Alex.
Jared laughed, throwing the blue disk in Clark's direction. The teen jumped as it passed just over his fingers.
"That sucked," he called over his shoulder, running after the disk. Jared shrugged.
"Never said I was good," he yelled back. Alex fell into step beside Jared. Their shoulders brushed and Alex tensed but Jared didn't move away. The Frisbee sailed back at them, and Jared let Alex chase it. He wondered what Clark meant by his little comment about Alex. He hadn't sensed any hesitation in Alex over his sexual identity. Jared thought the boy had more confidence than Jared had at that age. Jared was thankful for the supportive parents who'd seen him through crisis after crisis as he tried to figure out who he was. He didn't think Alex was struggling that way, but maybe he was wrong. They had almost closed the distance to Clark. Jared snagged the Frisbee out of the air, and sent it flying. Clark took off after it, throwing a glance back at Jared that said he knew what was up. His full out run slowed to a trot and then a walk.
Jared led Alex to a nearby bench. The same one Clark and Alex had sat on the morning he accidently eavesdropped on them. Jared put a hand in his pocket, separating the smooth stone from his change and rubbing it. He didn't want to disappoint Alex. Somehow, he let the boy set him on a pedestal so high he had trouble keeping his balance.
"Want to talk about it?" he asked. Alex leaned forward, staring at the ground. He gave a half shrug.
"Not really, stupid dreams about Clark. And…" Alex shifted uncomfortably and Jared waited patiently beside him. Clark ran up with the Frisbee, dropping it at Jared's feet.
"I'm gonna get some duck food, I'll be back," Clark announced to the air in general and disappeared. Jared shook his head. For an oblivious buffoon, Clark could pick up on a clue when he felt like it.
"He's a good friend," Alex muttered, staring after Clark, watching him run towards the vendor's cart where a guy sold everything from peanuts to duck chow.
"He is, so why don't you take this chance to tell me what else you've been dreaming about," Jared encouraged. Alex sank back onto the bench with a sigh.
"Girls," he confessed. "I keep dreaming about Clark and girls. I'm afraid to go to sleep. Clark's bad enough, but girls? That part happens when I'm awake too. It's just, I don't get it. Maybe I'm not gay."
Jared ran a hand through his hair. It was the stereotypical pitfall of boys, both gay and straight. See a guy, get turned on, and it's, "Oh my God, I'm gay." See a girl, get turned on, and it's, "Oh my God, I'm straight."
"It's not that easy, you know," Jared said, settling back on the bench, "You can't really determine your sexuality by who you have sex with."
Alex looked at him, mouth opening in protest.
Jared held up a hand, forestalling what he was going to say. "Yeah, yeah, or who you think you want to do it with. Truth is, if a guy lets his little head take charge, he'll screw anything, especially when he's fifteen."
Alex rubbed his palms along his thighs. "I don't get it, I thought guy on guy sex was being gay," he said.
Jared thought for a minute. "Ok, take those idiots online, posting videos. Not that you've ever seen them, being so innocent and all. But there are guys screwing watermelons, to name a tame item. So what does that say about their sexual orientation?"
"That they are some kinda losers." Clark dropped beside Jared on the bench, edging him closer to Alex. Clark sprawled beside them, digging into his bag of duck chow. "I told him he's still gay, but he's confused. Don't know why. The only person he really wants to fuck is…"
Alex leaned past Jared and punched Clark hard in the leg.
"How many times do I have to tell you to shut it?" Alex flopped back against the bench, and Clark shut it, tossing a handful of feed to the ducks.
"Well, Clark's right, they probably are losers, but useful at the moment because they prove my point. Little head is so eager to do his thing that he messes with big head. Guys do stupid stuff, like drill holes in watermelons, or screw the stuffing in a turkey." He had more to say, but Clark stared at him in horror.
"Dude, did he eat it?" Clark sounded so aghast that Jared had to laugh.
"Served it to guests, I believe." Jared teased. Clark gagged, and Alex looked a bit pale around the gills.
"That is sort of nasty," Alex said. "Why would a guy wake up and say, "I think I'll screw the turkey today?"
"Ah, yeah, that's my point, I doubt he got up and said that. I think it's more like, 'Dude, that turkey is warm and that stuffing is soft. I wonder how it'd feel if I… ahhhhh'." Jared tried to say it with a straight face, but with teenage boys groaning, howling, and falling off the edge of the bench, it proved impossible. The ducks were very interested in Clark rolling around, losing duck chow everywhere, and when he finally came to a stop one perched on his butt. He lay on his stomach staring up at Jared.
"We did not need a blow by blow description," he said.
"Blow!" Alex yelled, and they both lost it again.
Jared sat on the bench, looking over the pond while they rolled around his feet.
"So what's wrong with me?" Alex sat up, crossing his legs Indian style.
"Where to start," Jared muttered, and Alex glared. Clark barked another laugh. "Alex, you have to stop judging yourself by the standards of society. Try pretending being gay is the same as being straight. Because it is, you know. Only society makes a difference between them, but you have to learn to accept yourself. Stop worrying about 'what' you are. Straight guys never think about it. You have to believe that being gay is normal. Really believe it, and you'll be fine." Jared met Alex's eyes, trying not to get lost in the incredible rich color. He couldn't afford that. "Society says if you have intercourse with men, and you are a man, then you're gay. That's flawed logic. If guys can screw watermelons and turkeys, then gay guys can do girls and straight ones can make it with guys. It's what's going on in your head that defines your orientation." Jared leaned forward. "Where do you see yourself in ten years, Alex? When you fantasize about your future, who are you with? Those things, more than anything else, reveal your orientation."
Alex looked at Jared, his eyes thoughtful. Clark grabbed for the Frisbee and jumped up, shedding duck chow and ducks. Alex got to his feet, dusting off his jeans.
"In ten years, I'll be a graduate of MIT. I'll have my degree in architecture, and I'll be partners with the best contractor in the business." His eyes glinted with mischief, and something more, something a little darker and a whole lot more dangerous. He held Jared's gaze. "And I'll wake up every morning next to you."
Clark winked. "Told you he was still gay." They took off across the grass.
Clark wouldn't throw the Frisbee, so Alex tackled him. Jared stared after them, but his attention fixed on Alex. Jared indulged himself, watching Alex play, the movement of his body, the flash of the sun on his dark curls, and his smile that lit the world. After a few minutes, he laughed, bringing his flighty thoughts back to reality. Alex was fifteen. His dreams would change a hundred times before realizing one. When he was grown and ready for a lover, Jared would be a thing of his past.
"Jared, come on!" Alex yelled, and even though the books needed balancing before Monday, Jared played Frisbee with the boys.