P—Pick a good time. Think about how other people are feeling before you decide to ask. Are they busy doing a lot of things? Do they look like they are in good moods? If people are in bad moods when you ask for something and they say no, it might be because they are having some uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. When that happens, you need to wait for them to be ready to talk to you.
L—List the facts of the situation. Begin by listing the facts before asking for what you need. Giving other people the facts will help them to know more about why you are asking.
E—Express how you feel about the situation. Once you have listed the facts, you can share with the person how you feel about those facts and about the situation.
A—Ask for what you need. Now is the time to go ahead and ask the other person for what you need. Be sure to be honest and say it in a way that the person can understand exactly what it is you are asking for.
S—Stay calm! Remember to use your tools from this book. The other person might say no to your request. If this happens, it is important to stay calm. Remember to use your breathing skills.
E—End your request with a statement about how this conversation felt. Did you get what you wanted? Great! Tell the person how nice it feels that he or she gave you what you asked for. It can still be helpful to tell someone how you feel even if you did not get what you asked for or if it didn’t go so well. Saying “I understand that I can’t have this now. It’s really important to me and I’m sad, but I do understand” is a nice way to take a “No” while still telling someone how you feel. If a conversation isn’t going well, you might say, “This doesn’t seem like a good time to talk. I’m going to take a break for now. Let’s talk about this later when we are both calm.”A DBT-Based Skills Workbook to Help Children Manage Mood Swings, Control Angry Outbursts, and Get Along with Others