H—Have a goal when speaking to someone, and stick to that goal. Did someone hurt your feelings? Is your goal to ask someone not to hurt your feelings? Make sure you can describe the facts or behaviors and words you noticed that led to your hurt feelings.
Example: Jane yelled at you and called you stupid when you did not answer her questions right away. Your goal might be to tell Jane not to call you names and to please not yell.
A—Ask for what you want or state what you need directly. Be specific.
Example: “Jane, please don’t speak to me so loudly and don’t call me names.”
L—Look the person you are talking to in the eyes. Stand tall and proud. Saying something positive silently to yourself can help you feel more confident. Think of statements that might help you.
Example: It’s okay to stand up for myself, or I got this, or If I don’t tell Jane to stop, it doesn’t make sense to expect that she will stop. It’s important to tell her how I want to be treated.
T—Take deep breaths, and keep your muscles as relaxed as possible. When you stand tall with relaxed muscles you appear confident to others, and you are less likely to have a big feeling take control. It might help to review the script for activity 27 (“Relaxing Your Muscles”) and activity 29 (“Deep Breathing”). Take a moment to practice those skills before you set your limit.A DBT-Based Skills Workbook to Help Children Manage Mood Swings, Control Angry Outbursts, and Get Along with Others