principle 2

 

Refusing to engage in cycles of attack and counterattack can seem foolish, possibly dangerous, and maybe even impossible in a conflict situation.

By resisting the urge to attack, we can change the nature of the conversation we are part of, even if others continue with the attack/counterattack methodology. Destructive conflict is thwarted communication. In a conflict, people are trying to express things that are important to them. Often they express them in ineffective, confusing, and hurtful ways, which can distract everyone involved from the real topics at hand. “Resist the Urge to Attack” does not mean that we leave ourselves with no protection and no power. It means that we can turn the focus of the conversation away from the distraction of attack and toward what is important on a deeper level.

Speaking without attack

When you find yourself at that moment of anger or fear where the impulse to attack surges, interrupt the momentum by moving in the opposite direction. Don’t attack and don’t hunker down. Make the decision to do something else. Step into the uproar and disarray of conflict with the intelligence and flexibility of your heart and mind intact. Articulate what is important to you instead of attacking the other. Rather than defending your own position, try to see what has led each of you to stand where you do.

 

attack:		no attack:
1  You are furious that your teenage son or daughter hasn’t completed a task they agreed to do.
“What is wrong with you? How many times do I have to tell you to clean up the kitchen when you’re done? I have had it with you, you’re lazy and you have no respect for others.”		“I am so angry and disappointed that you didn’t clean the kitchen after you used it. When we have an agreement, I want us to stick to it. If there is a problem with the plan, I want you to let me know.”
2  You disagree with your business partners about their hiring practices.
“You just keep hiring miniature versions of yourselves! Don’t you get it that this company needs to grow? You have no clue what it means to create an effective team. You’re not choosing your next drinking buddy!”		“Let’s talk about the criteria being used to hire new staff. I find the new people are too similar in skills and viewpoints to those we already have. I want this company to grow, and we need a broader palette of abilities and ideas to do it.”
3  You and your siblings are in conflict about how to manage your father’s estate after his death.
“I don’t understand how you can even think of selling the house. Maybe it doesn’t mean anything to you, but I’m not ready to just throw away everything Dad worked for all those years. Obviously you don’t get it, but family is more important than money.”		“I miss Dad so much. It’s too much for me to think of the house disappearing, too. I understand that there are difficulties if we decide not to sell, but would you be willing to sit down with me and see if there is another option that would work for all of us?”

 

a way to practice

Try filling in the blanks in the following sentence when you find yourself in attack mode.

Use the sentence to extract the attack from what you want to say. Then, find a way to say it that feels natural to you.

When (the triggering event) happened, I felt (my feeling) because (my need/interest) is really important to me. Would you be willing to (request a do-able action)?

If attack creeps into your statement, try rephrasing it again.

For example:

1. attack	no attack
“When [you acted like your usual lazy self and didn’t clean up (evaluation of character, not description of event)], I felt [like grounding you for the rest of the year (strategy, not a feeling)] because [I need you to stop acting like a spoiled brat (strategy and evaluation, not a need)]. Would you be willing [to get your act together and grow up (vague request)]?”	“When [I came home and saw the kitchen dirty], I felt [angry and disappointed] because [it’s important to me that we stick to our agreements]. Would you be willing to [go over the agreements with me again and talk about what we can do to make sure this doesn’t continue to happen]?”
2. attack	no attack
“When [you are irresponsible in hiring (evaluation of character, not description of event)], I feel [like screaming (strategy not a feeling)], because [I need you to wake up to the situation (strategy and evaluation, not a need)]. Would you be willing to [stop acting like selfish idiots and think of the company for once (evaluation and vague request)]?”	“When [I see people being hired who are similar in skills and viewpoints to those already here], I feel [frustrated] because [I want this company to have the diversity it needs to grow]. Would you be willing to [discuss what the company needs and who might best meet those needs]?”
3. attack	no attack
“When [I see you getting ready to throw away everything Dad built (assumption about intent, not description of event), I feel [like you just want the money (assumption about intent, not a feeling), because [you obviously don’t care about family like I do (evaluation disguised as need)]. Would you be willing to [think about someone other than yourself (vague request)]?”	“When [I think of the house being sold], I feel [so sad] because [I want to honor what Dad built in his life and find a way to stay connected to him]. Would you be willing to [consider if there are any other options besides selling that would work for you]?”

In order for conflict to become an opportunity, be willing to say difficult things clearly. Avoid the language of attack. Destructive conflict often seems inevitable because our habits of response are deeply ingrained.

However, our habits can change.

 

the choice

attack

inform