principle 10

 

The ability to remain curious in difficult situations is a skill. It takes practice. It is the ability, in the presence of anger and fear, to continue to ask:

“What is really going on here?
What have I not yet understood?”

Robust, persistent curiosity is transformative. It enables us to see possibility from within conflict. However, in the tension of conflict, our first impulse is often to abandon curiosity. When this happens, we stop trying to understand the other people. We become more willing to see them get hurt and are less able to see ourselves as being in relationship to them. To varying degrees, we begin to dehumanize the other people. We move away.

But we can adopt a mental stance of persistent, intelligent curiosity toward situations and people—even if we are not curious about them. This is not a suggestion to step into harm’s way or to pretend closeness where there is none. “Develop Curiosity in Difficult Situations” suggests that we persist in wanting to know as much as possible about the larger story in a conflict, not just what is evident from our own point of view. This principle is a push to figure out what it takes to develop a real willingness and ability to be present with what we dislike, fear, or disagree with, and still be capable of listening for what we have not yet heard.

For example:

No Curiosity:	Curiosity:
1  I want him to just shut the hell up.	1  What is he is actually trying to say?
2  They are such idiots, they don’t care what happens to the country.	2  What is important to them and why? How does this make sense to them?
3  If she was gone, everything would be fine.	3  What have I not yet noticed about this situation? What are my decisions to make?
4  It is a waste of time to talk to him, he’s impossible.	4  What is the main obstacle in our conversation right now? Why is it there?
5  What is wrong with her? How could she do that to me?	5  What led her to take that action? What did she need?
6  She/he needs to (…fi ll in the blank…).	6  What can I do differently?

 

a way to practice

Think about a conflict that you are familiar with at home, at work, or out in the world.

Pick one that really pushes your buttons.

Start gently and, as you think it through, notice how and when you lose curiosity about the other person.

Notice how you close down: what happens in your body, your thoughts, and your emotions. Instead of pushing those reactions away, become knowledgeable about them. Breathe them in, and each time you exhale, imagine the space around you easing up.

To wake your curiosity back up, ask yourself the following questions:

1. How does what this person thinks make sense to him or her?
2. What has led this person to take these actions?
3. At the heart of it, what does this person want or need?
4. Am I contributing to the difficulty of the situation?
5. What needs to change in order for a useful dialogue to take place?

   Notice when you are tempted to answer with something like, “Because (s)he’s a jerk,” and resist that urge. Instead, take a breath, exhale, and choose a curious mind-set.

 

the choice

abandon your curious mind

strengthen your curious mind