facilitate listening and speaking

 

My great-aunt Marie taught me that when you are knitting and the strands of yarn get tangled, it is a mistake to try to undo the knot by seeking to free only one strand.

The strands of yarn are in a complex relationship to one another. Trying to solve the problem by extracting one strand will likely increase the complexity of the knot and make it more difficult to undo.

You need to understand the complex tangle of strands before you can discover a possible solution for undoing the knot.

At first, I tried the one-strand method anyway, thinking that if I got that strand free then the rest of the knot would dissolve. Instead, I watched the knot get tighter and more complicated and finally had to pull out the scissors. At some point, I grew tired of seeing that happen and tried the method my great-aunt proposed. I started looking at the whole knot to untangle the strands.

I began to try to discover why the knot was there.

In a conflict it can be tempting to try to undo the tangle before we have a sense of why it is there and what it is composed of. We may want to see ourselves as separate from what seems to be causing us trouble: what we dislike, disagree with, or don’t understand. It can be tempting to believe that by removing ourselves from those unwanted people or situations, or removing them from us, we can solve the problem.

It rarely works that way, though. We need the other people’s stories to figure out what to do in a conflict. It doesn’t matter whether we dislike them, distrust them, don’t have faith in their reasoning capacity, or whether we love them. Their stories, in relationship to our story, tell us why the conflict is happening. The stories can help us understand what an effective solution might look like.

moving from certainty to inquiry

Find out what is going on.

Even when you think you already understand the situation, ask the others involved what is happening with them. This doesn’t mean that you need to sit through a recital of what they think you did wrong. This means ask them to tell you what they have experienced in the situation, what is important to them, and why it is important. Then, as clearly as possible and without blame, do the same.

Of course, beginning or carrying on a productive conversation can sometimes seem impossible in a difficult conflict. We might be concerned that we’ll make things worse, not know what to do, or lose ground. The temptation to avoid acknowledging the conflict or to continue open hostilities once they have begun can be strong. However, we are not doomed to endlessly repeat patterns that are destructive.

We have a choice. We can engage in conflict patterns that promote damaged relationships, violence, and lost op portunities, or we can set our minds to following a different path. With attention and practice, we can develop the ability and willingness to start those difficult conversations and be present with the tangled knot of conflict in an effective and beneficial way.

We can figure out what conflict has to tell us.

Seven questions to start the conversation

Begin with the willingness to hear the other person’s story and to tell yours. Whether it is in a calm conversation or something that feels more like a fight, a first step is to take a breath and shift from battling about positions to talking about experience.

It is hard to listen in a conflict. We have the tendency to rehearse what we are going to say in our minds while the other person is talking. Instead, really listen. Ask questions with the intent to understand. Here are some questions to help discover what is driving a conflict and what positive transformation might be possible from within the tangle.

Pick the questions that make the most sense for your situation and ask them of both the other person and of yourself:

1. What is your understanding of the situation?
2. What is most important to you in this situation?
3. Why is that important?
4. What do you think a good outcome might look like?
5. What are the obstacles to reaching that outcome?
6. What would you like to see happen now?
7. Why is that important to you?