The colour drains from Sebastian’s face. His eyes dart around nervously. He takes a few seconds to speak.
“I … I think you have the wrong person.”
I fold my arms in front of me, trying to hide my shaking hands. The keys I’m holding dig into my skin. “I don’t. You were Lisa’s fiancé.”
I can almost feel his confusion. “I… I don’t remember you.”
“We were long distance friends,” I say. “She called me sometimes. And sometimes we talked about you.”
He looks as if he’s afraid to ask the next question.
“What did she tell you?”
His question only fuels my frustration. “What did she tell me? How about what you didn’t tell anyone?”
He winces, but I continue. “How long did you leave her there? Alone on that dock?” Before he can say anything, I speak again. “Before you went back and finished what you started?”
Sebastian’s eyes meet mine and I can see his fear. “She called you? She called you after… after—”
“After you choked her.”
The anger courses through my body as I picture Lisa on that dock. I can almost feel her shock, her distress. Her anguish at how the man who was supposed to love her above all else had hurt her. Neil’s use of the word that reminded me of our conversation. The truth that makes me want to stab Sebastian with my keys anyway.
Choke, choke, choke.
Sebastian’s eyes glaze over. He’s like a wax figure, his body almost not registering my words. Then he sways, and it’s like the breath has left his body.
“I—”
“You left her there,” I almost shout, cutting him off. “You hurt her, and before you could come back and finish her off, she called me. And she told me what you did.”
His face contorts, his jaw rocks back and forth. I’m not sure whether he’s crying or grimacing, but I’ve never seen so much pain on a person’s face. My rage eases slightly, but I keep my pose. The last thing I need is to feel is pity for a murderer.
Sebastian opens his mouth and tries to speak again. “I…”
He buries his face in his hands. He lets out a howl that sounds as if it comes from a wounded animal. He drops to his knees, and moans. I think of Lisa, and how she sounded that night. So desperate to be heard. And then she was gone. Silenced.
“You told no one what you did,” I say. “You’re a murderer and a coward.”
Through his shuddering sobs, I make out his muffled words.
“I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean to hurt her.”
I move closer to him, his words sparking bolts of anger that shoot through me. He didn’t mean to? How. Dare. He.
“You killed her,” I sneer. “You thought no one knew what you did. But I do.”
Sebastian sits down on the grass. When he looks at me, his face is ashen, hands shaking. “I—I…”
This time, I wait for him to get the words out.
“I got so angry,” he says. “She knew everything.”
His words surprise me. “Everything about what?”
He presses his palms to his face, his cheeks streaked with tears. I’ve never seen a grown man cry this much. “What I’d done. It happened so fast… my hands.” He wipes his nose on his t-shirt. “One moment I was in control and the next I just—snapped.”
“You wanted to kill her.”
“I wanted her to stop talking,” he says. “She was saying all these horrible things. And being out on that deck—it brought back everything that happened with my father. Lisa—all the things she said made me so mad. The next thing I know, it all went dark in my head.”
“Your… father?”
He nods. “My father knew what I was. He saw me with Ana. He could have killed me that day. His hands were ready to break me in two.”
I shake my head, trying to make sense of his words. I know Ana is his sister, but what does she have to do with any of this? Before I can interrupt, Sebastian keeps talking, almost more to himself than to me. “I just wanted the pain to stop with Lisa. He just wanted me to stop back then, too.”
I cock my head and look at him. “I don’t understand.”
His words come in a fierce whisper. “I hated myself. I made her doubt everything. Lisa was trying to fix it. She tried so hard and I just couldn’t…” He brings his hands to his face again. “If I only knew what she was going through.”
Something stirs in me. “What do you mean, if you only knew?”
He takes a deep breath, his eyes downcast. “It’s all my fault. I brought her here and made her live with me. I made her see me with Ana.”
He keeps bringing up Ana. I picture the sister with her pigtails, the father long dead. It’s too much to bring together.
“I lied to her,” he says. “I made her think there was something wrong with her. And then I hurt her when she found out who I really was.”
The nausea builds in my throat. Something isn’t right. But he keeps talking. “She was so lonely. I made her life hell and left her with no choice.”
His words are like a punch in my stomach. I back away from him, my eyes never leaving his face. “But you didn’t—”
He looks up, his eyes red-rimmed. I feel like the air has turned to molasses around me. I try to say the words I don’t want to say, but have to. “You didn’t go back for her.”
Sebastian stares at me, then looks down again. When he shakes his head, it feels as if the air is driven from my lungs.
“I drove her to it,” he says. “I destroyed what we had—I hurt her—and then left her alone on that dock. I made her feel like there was nowhere for her to go.”
I’m only hearing half of his words, because I keep getting stuck on one part. Before I know it, I’m repeating the words out loud. “You didn’t go back for her.”
His face is crumpling again. “No.”
Which means…
Sebastian keeps talking, but his words turn into a cacophony in my ears. I turn and run, my heart pounding in my chest.