“Rachel, are you there?”
Alice’s voice sounds different, almost younger.
I look around, the fog and darkness making me dizzy. When I open my mouth, my throat feels better. I turn around and listen for footsteps. For if Seb is coming back.
“Can you hear me?” Alice asks.
I string the words together. “He did it. He’s, he’s—”
“What?” Alice’s voice is unnaturally loud in my ears.
“He choked me.” I say. “He choked me.”
“Who? Where are you?”
“Outside,” I whisper. “But he’s not here.”
Silence, and then her voice sounds urgent. “Can you go somewhere safe?”
I want to tell her to lower her voice, but then an overwhelming sadness washes over me. “I’m so glad I called you.”
“Rachel, you need to go somewhere safe, okay? Can you do that?”
I shake my head, bring a hand to my throat. The initial shock has worn off. It only took a few seconds to happen, but it’ll take a lifetime to forget.
“Is there a friend you can go to?” Alice asks again.
I picture Ruth with her mates, laughing at her pathetic ex-roommate. I picture Greg in the bar, talking about the chubby girl who thought he was her friend. I picture you and Eleanor shaking your heads at me.
“Rachel?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“Can you go to a police station?” She’s talking fast now.
“No,” I say. “It’s not like that.”
“You said someone choked you.”
I feel my heart racing and suddenly remember how drunk I am. How blurry the lines are. Suddenly, nothing from today feels real.
“I’ve had way too much to drink,” I tell Alice. “I’m getting ahead of myself. I feel choked. You know what I mean?”
A few beats pass. She’s probably picked up on my lie, but I hope she won’t talk about it.
“Okay,” she says slowly. “I don’t know what’s happening, but if you’re hurt or scared, you must do something. Do something now.”
Her voice is almost flustered. She doesn’t sound like Alice at all right now.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I probably ruined your night.”
“It’s okay. Remember what we said?” Her voice slurs on the last word. “What we talked about. You need to be honest with yourself. Just honest. And stop saying sorry.”
I can picture my note on the table in the bedroom. I wonder if Seb’s found it already. I remember the plan I had. I need to get out of here.
“Don’t you sometimes just want to run away?” I ask, trying to get to my feet. I use the wooden railing to pull myself up. “Just pack your bags and leave the ghosts behind?”
I don’t expect her response. “All the time.”
I try to calculate how long it’ll take me to pack my bags. I need coffee to sober up. And lots of water. I also need a taxi to the airport. I wonder if I could ask Deb to take me.
“Maybe they never go away,” I say, thinking of all the hurt of the last few years. All the people I’ve let down. All the people who’ve let me down.
“Maybe not,” Alice says. “And maybe that’s okay.”
I smile at her words. Despite the clouds of mistakes, the road ahead looks a little clearer. If only the first few steps.
“Wait,” Alice says, the word sounding like a slur again. “One more thing.”
“Yes?”
“You’ll be fine. Really. I don’t know your life, but everything you’ve told me makes me believe you can do this. You’ve got this. You’ve had some shitty things happen to you, but you’re getting through it.”
I bring a hand to my mouth when I hear Alice swear. She’s never done that before. But I’m not offended. In fact, maybe I like this Alice better. A more realistic version. I look out at the nothingness as she continues talking. “And if you ever need anything—anything at all—I’m here. Just let me know—”
There’s a noise behind me.
Di-di-ding. Di-di-ding. It’s a phone. I look down, and then back up into the fog.
The ringing isn’t coming from my phone.