When talking to someone, you try to hide your shyness. You struggle to keep good eye contact with her. But even if you succeed at these two challenges, it’s tough to control your mind. You imagine that she thinks you’re an idiot, that you bought your clothes at a garage sale, that you combed your hair with a rake this morning. You imagine her laughing at you inside, then gossiping to her friends about what a loser you are.
No! No! No! Pitch the paranoia and realize that is simply not true. Nine chances out of ten, she’s not thinking about you at all. She’s just babbling away, enjoying the sound of her own voice. On the slim chance that she is thinking about you, she’s probably worrying what your opinion is of her!
Many dozens of studies have confirmed that Shys only imagine that people feel negatively toward them.
Shy individuals imagine signs of disapproval or rejection that do not come from external stimuli but from long-term memory and internal cues. As such the individual’s evaluation is not objective. It is prone to negative distortion or bias.6
—JOURNAL OF BEHAVIORAL RESEARCH THERAPY
How’s this for an ingenious study proving it? Several researchers hired actors and a cameraman and bought some strange props. They then filmed the individual actors facing directly into the camera saying “hello” or “hi” as though they were meeting someone for the first time.7
The researchers directed one-third of the performers to project a warm, accepting “I like you” demeanor. They asked another third to give the camera completely neutral expressions as they pretended to be meeting someone. Then they told the last third to exude a chilly “You bore me—in fact, I don’t like you” manner.
Of course, the resourceful researchers didn’t want to depend entirely on the acting acumen of the thespians in the film. To assure scientific accuracy, they put a fragrant scent like a bouquet of flowers under the noses of the first group of actors to encourage an even more pleasant and accepting demeanor. Nothing was put in the vicinity of the noses of the “neutral expression” actors. The third group was filmed with an unspeakably revolting glop under their noses.
When the film was finished, the researchers showed it to a group of subjects, half of whom were confident and the other half of whom were shy. Both the Shys and the Sures were told to imagine that the performers in the film were meeting them personally for the first time. Pen or pencil in hand, the subjects gauged whether each actor in the film liked them or not.
The results? The Shys felt that most of the neutral faces were snubbing them. They even interpreted some of the warm expressions as social rejection. The only part the Shys got right were the performers who acted like they loathed them.
The dozen Sures, on the other hand, felt that most of the faces were positive toward them or neutral at worst.
The “jury” has reported. The verdict is in: Most of the time, you are just imagining that people reject you.