Groucho Marx, taking a puff of his pipe, said, “I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.” Some Shys subconsciously agree with him—especially younger Shys who are still in school. They yearn to be part of a self-appointed “elite” group of students. When they are not welcomed, they feel something is wrong with them.
People who blatantly reject you are not worthy of your admiration. Don’t try to break into their circle. You’re just setting yourself up for a confidence game that you will lose.
A study called “Popularity, Friendship, and Emotional Adjustment During Early Adolescence” determined that disapproval, real or imagined, by anyone you admire colors your feelings toward yourself.13 It’s human nature. Kids in school form a pecking order just like chickens on a farm. If you ask any kid from the first grade up, “Who are the popular kids? And who are the unpopular kids?” they can answer like a knee-jerk reaction. Unfortunately, for many Shys, not being on the “preferred list” can deepen their self-doubt.
It’s the same with adults who feel rejected (usually imagined) by more extroverted people in their club, church, or community.
Perhaps you admire someone’s personality, clothing, choice of friends. So, if they don’t choose you to pal around with, you think that they’re slighting you because of your shortcomings. Such small things can color your entire view of yourself. And that imagined distorted color of yourself lasts a very long time, long after you’ve forgotten the names and faces of the people who you think didn’t accept you.
When it comes to women, men are especially susceptible to the “want the ones who don’t want you” syndrome. Mr. Shy goes to a party and sets his sights on the best-looking woman there, a “ten” in attractiveness. For half of the party, he fantasizes about how he’s going to make the approach. Finally he gets the courage to say “Hi!” She turns the other way.
Crash! His self-esteem craters. Mr. Shy slinks back to the bar feeling defeated and all the more shy.
Meanwhile, there is a lovely woman, a “seven,” across the room who has been eyeing him all night. Think how terrific he’d feel about himself if he talked to her and she was obviously interested.
So what if this person you approach is not part of the “in crowd”? Just because certain people are “popular” does not mean that they are worthy of your esteem. Bill Gates was a reject from the cool crowd, but he didn’t bemoan the fact that his more popular colleagues didn’t accept him. The boys who put the first computer together in a garage weren’t the “in crowd.” Guess who got the last laugh?