Your mind and your body instinctively strive to be in accord with each other. If they are not, you feel unbalanced.
When your mind thinks I am shy, your body accommodates and acts shy. And when your body moves like it’s shy, your mind says, I guess I’m shy.
Here are your mind and body having one of their daily chats:
Mind: Hey, Bod, why are we slumping? What are you trying to tell me?
Body: I’m telling you, Brain, that we are shy.
Mind: Well, there certainly is a lot of physical evidence. I guess you’re right, Bod. We are shy.
Body: Excuse me, Brain. Did I just hear you say we are shy?
Mind: Well, yes, Bod. Observe how we slump and can’t look people in the eyes.
Body: Um, I guess you’re right, Brain. OK, I’ll accommodate you and move like a Shy. Maybe I’ll even add a little blushing and stuttering to be more convincing.
Mind and Body (in unison): Wonderful, then we’ll be together again.
In a bizarre sort of way, that satisfies you. Your mind and body agree. The mental health community calls it “cognitive consistency,” and human beings instinctively strive for it.
So how do you escape this Catch-22? You have two choices. The first choice is to convince your mind that you are not shy so that your body behaves accordingly. This takes a long time on the psychiatrist’s couch, lots of money, and maybe some pharmacology thrown in.
Your second option is to train your body to act confidently so that your mind follows suit. This is what the experts recommend. It’s a lot easier to whip your body into shape than your brain. You know all the basic stuff: Stand tall, look people in the eyes, smile, and speak up. Then the new conversation goes like this:
Body: Hey, Mind, let’s go to the party.
Mind: Yahoo! I’m ready. You’re lookin’ pretty good. Let’s go party!
I read somewhere that a negative mind-set causes negative body language, but that the opposite is true, too—you can alter your attitude by adopting a positive demeanor. I tried that, by at first simply forcing myself to walk upright and hold my head level—while still avoiding others’ gazes. That did boost my confidence to a point where I could start looking at people, then later on make and hold brief eye contact, to the current point where about half of the people I make eye contact with break it first.
—Koos V., Pretoria, South Africa
A multitude of fascinating factors come under the “looking confident” umbrella. There isn’t space here to explore the thousands of subtle signs that signal confidence. (I cover them in my book How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships.) However, here are a few hints about body movements that self-assured VIPs do instinctively to get you started.
• When you are at a gathering, do not stand close to the wall or by the snacks. Walk directly to the dead center of the room. That’s the place where all of the important people gravitate.
• When you are going through a large door or open double doors, don’t walk on one side. March straight through the middle. It signifies confidence.
• At a restaurant, unless there is an established hierarchy, go for the seat at the end of the table facing the door. That is the power position.
• Sit in the highest chair in a meeting or on the arm of the couch—but not higher than the boss!
• Make larger, fluid movements. Confident people’s bodies occupy more space. Shys take as little space as possible, as if to say, “Excuse me for taking up this much of the earth.”
• Keep your hands away from your face. Never fidget.
• When you agree with someone, nod your head up from neutral (jaw parallel to the floor), not down.
• When passing someone, be the last to break eye contact.
• For men: Don’t strut like a bantam rooster. But to look like a leader, swing your arms more significantly when you walk. When you are seated, put one arm up on the back of a chair.
• For women: To seem self-assured, square your body toward the person you’re talking to and stand a tad closer. Naturally, give a big smile, but let it come ever-so-slightly slower. That way it looks sincere, not nervous.
• And, of course, need I even mention posture?
Practice these moves consciously until they become second nature. When you move like a Sure all day long, your mind becomes convinced that you already are one.