Later on, I’ll tell you about my great epiphany on the potty that told me to take a “people job” for a while. I chose to become a flight attendant with Pan Am, the now-defunct airline. The following ShyBuster was introduced to me by one of my coworkers—now a lifelong friend.
It all started on an overseas flight just after we finished serving dinner to 200 passengers. Back in the galley, wiping roast beef off our uniforms, she sensitively asked if I was shy because she noticed that I hadn’t made much eye contact with the passengers. I liked her gentle approach and said yes. We talked a lot that flight, and, by the time the sun was streaming in the plane windows, we knew we’d be good friends.
Daphnis (Daffy, for short) shared an apartment with her brother in Astoria, New York, known as “Little Greece.” While visiting her once between flights, she said, “Leil, I think I have a cure for your problem with eye contact.”
“Oh, good.” Here comes another flop, I thought. “Really? Tell me.”
“I want you to look directly into my eyes, and I’ll look into yours. We’ll see how long we can hold it.”
We tried, but I broke up laughing each time.
“Leil, stop it. I’m deadly serious about this.” She stood up in exasperation. “Go ahead and enjoy being shy for the rest of your life. See if I care.”
That convinced me. After half a dozen feeble attempts, I was able to gaze directly into her eyeballs for about thirty seconds and feel completely at ease.
“Wow, how did you learn that exercise, Daffy?”
“In school. We were studying how important eye contact is. One afternoon, the professor asked us to sit next to somebody we didn’t know and look intently into each other’s eyes. Most of us cracked up. But all week he made us change partners and stare longer and longer until we could do it for a full minute. Then he asked us to carry on a conversation with each other and not break eye contact even for a second.
“Leil, the results were unbelievable. When we discussed it Monday morning, everyone reported they’d had more contact with everybody they’d talked to over the weekend.”
In the Netherlands, VVM, the Association of Shy people founded in 1988, has been extremely effective with people who are profoundly shy. During their training, all members must look someone in the eyes for graduating amounts of time. These exercises have been found to also help problems with blushing and not taking the initiative (in conversing).24
—WORLD PRESS REVIEW
“Yeah, but you’re a friend, Daf. I don’t think I could do it with a stranger.”
She smiled, “Let’s see.” Her brother Nicias, whom I had never met, was upstairs studying. Daffy called him from the staircase, “Nicky, could you come down and help us with something?”
When I looked up to say hello, my heart leapt up to my throat. Nicias was nothing short of a Greek god. Daffy explained what we had been doing and asked him to take her place in the “eye contact game.” It would have been difficult enough to gaze into the eyes of a “normal” person, but with Adonis, it seemed impossible! For Shys, the more desirable someone is, the harder it is to look at them.
When she said “Go,” our eyes locked. A blush spread over my face like wildfire, and my heart felt like a jackhammer. I forced my eyes to stay on his. Slowly, very slowly, the fire simmered down and the jackhammer switched into low gear.
When Daffy gauged that my vital signs were returning to normal, she said, “OK, time’s up.” Nicias went back up to study. I threw my arm up to my forehead, “I cannot bee-lieve what I just did, Daffy!”
By repeating this exercise, eye contact (which you now feel is exaggerated) will soon feel natural. Direct eye contact for a Shy is like staring down a gun barrel. But keep at it and soon you won’t even think about it.
I guess subconsciously I realized that if I survived looking into the hottest, most beautiful eyes I’d seen all year for a full minute, how bad could a few seconds with “normal” eyes be?
Why is it that just a split second seems like an eternity when you’re making eye contact with strangers or intimidating people? It’s like the slow-motion movie action when someone is in an auto accident or is punched. Somebody slugs the good guy. The sound track goes silent and the scene slows down. His head slowly revolves to the side from the impact. His body falls at a snail’s pace to the floor.
That’s how eye contact feels to a Shy. Those few seconds can feel like an hour.
I try to smile and make eye contact with everyone because I know I should. But it is so painful to keep my eyes on someone else’s. And sometimes I feel like I’m smiling at them like a hyena. My mind is racing a mile a minute and the temptation to finish my smile and look away is too big for me to resist. Once I tried counting to three, but it seemed so long. I don’t want people to think I’m staring at them. But if I stop smiling and looking at them, they think I’m unfriendly.
—Claire M., Bloomfield, Vermont
Claire’s concept of counting to three while looking someone in the eyes is good. However, repeating dull numbers can still seem interminably long. Furthermore, counting doesn’t give you a warm expression or smile, which are crucial to effective eye contact.
Try this technique: When greeting someone, look at their eyes and silently say, “I like you” to your eye-contact recipient. There are three advantages.
1. The time it takes for you to say to yourself, “I like you” is precisely the amount of time lingering eye contact should last.
2. Saying those words silently gives you a warm expression. Unless you really work at it, your mind can’t say “I like you” and your face say “I’m scared stiff” at the same time.
3. Your inner monologue keeps your mind from racing to other thoughts—like “I wonder what they think of me.”