One of the sharpest pains of shyness is the fear of what people will think of you. But when nobody recognizes you as “you,” it takes the sting out of interacting with other people. You can do or say whatever you want and not feel like people are judging you.
Realizing this, one of the world’s leading shyness experts had great success with a masking technique for his almost clinically shy little brother.27 Little George Zimbardo was so shy that he would run and hide if anyone came to the house. He was miserable at school. He didn’t make any eye contact, and he never played with the other kids.
His older brother Philip had an inspiration. He suggested that George might enjoy a special game, wearing a paper bag over his head with the eyes and mouth cut out. Little George loved the idea—so much so that he asked to wear the paper bag to school. The teacher agreed, saying that she would tell the other students it was for fun. When the other students asked George who he was, he would puff up his little chest and proudly answer, “Mr. Nobody.”
The paper bag anonymity got George through the school year playing unself-consciously with the other kids. He was even able to be in the yearly circus production by wearing it.
Final proof of the power of anonymity: the following year, George performed one of the lead roles in the circus—without his face covered. By the time George was in high school, he had developed several close friendships. In his senior year, he was even elected to class office.
I’m not going to ask you to crawl around the mall wearing a mask, but do consider the proven remedial effect of temporary anonymity. When people don’t know who you are, it’s much easier to talk to them. And you get invaluable experience communicating with people you might normally be shy around. Like little George, you’ll soon be ready to shed the “mask.”
If the situation arises, attending a masked event, say a New Year’s or Halloween party, is a good starting point.
It worked beautifully for me. One Halloween when I was teaching nursery school, the principal asked me to take some of the kids trick-or-treating. Just the thought of knocking on strangers’ doors and making small talk with them while they dumped M&Ms into the kids’ bags pushed my panic button. But I couldn’t refuse.
I was in the Halloween department of a store buying decorations and plastic pumpkins for the class party. Staring back at the masks on the wall, inspiration hit. I could wear one while taking the kids trick-or-treating, and nobody would know that it was me!
It was wildly successful. Disguised as a rabbit, I was able to chat comfortably with people on their doorsteps as they dumped candy corn into the kids’ bags. Once or twice, I even took the mask off when talking with a stranger. I felt vulnerable at those unmasked moments, and I still had difficulty making eye contact. But the bottom line was that the next year I was able to take the kids trick-or-treating without hiding behind a mask.
Last summer I worked for a catering company and we all wore costumes, like old-fashioned butlers, cooks, and maids. Mine was a little French maid outfit with a short skirt with ruffles and high heels. It surprised me so much that I didn’t feel my usual shyness, even dressed like that! I guess that was because when we were catering a party I didn’t know anybody—and in that getup, probably nobody would recognize me anyway. It was so un-me.
—Sandra V., Lexington, Mississippi
Naturally, the obvious opportunity to wear a mask comes but once a year. So what can you do the other 364 days to benefit from the anonymity effect?