Whether it’s a small gathering or a big bash, just plunking your body in the middle of it is not enough. If you’re like many Shys, you may slump, look glum, and fold your arms in social situations. That position is not exactly a welcome mat. Then, when people don’t approach you, you hate social gatherings all the more.
Women, think of it this way. If you spot a little kitten on the street, it takes a tough woman indeed to resist petting it. Then, if it doesn’t look afraid, you might be tempted to pick it up and cuddle it. However, if kitty transmogrifies itself into a satanic Halloween cat with narrowed eyes and arched back, you might change your mind and walk away—fast.
Shys, you obviously don’t hiss at the other guests. But not smiling and looking unapproachable works wonders to keep people away from you. Your demeanor shouts, “I’d rather be in Siberia.”
Don’t give yourself many brownie points for attending the party unless you keep your body language friendly and you take the initiative in conversations. Another problem with staying long enough at a party to become miserable is you might start speaking rapidly, standing stiffly, or clenching your fists to hide trembling.
Mental health professionals call nervous habits to try to hide shyness (such as averting your eyes, speaking rapidly, or clenching your hands to hide trembling) “safety behaviors.” A study published in the Journal of Behavioral Therapy, “Maintaining Anxiety and Negative Beliefs,” tells us that the more we succumb to these defenses, the more they will increase shyness.29
Some Shys think that showing up at a party is enough. But just parking your bod in the middle of the bash is not “going to a party.” If you look as tense as a turkey before Thanksgiving, it’s no help.