When we are in physical pain, we take medicine. Some Shys who suffer severe anguish turn to psychiatrists for medication. Since we are do-it-yourselfers, we are busting shyness through proven techniques without medication. Unfortunately, for some Shys, “doing it yourself” means medicating themselves—with beer, booze, or drugs. Here is a depressing statistic.
Individuals with SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder) are at two to three times greater risk for alcohol abuse and dependence on other substance abuse disorders. They frequently use alcohol to self-medicate in order to decrease anticipatory anxiety and reduce avoidance of feared social and/or performance situations.30
—JOURNAL OF PSYCHIATRIC RESEARCH
Drugs and alcohol can make a Shy feel more confident—but only for a very short time. You may think that people like you because they smile and clap while you’re doing the hula on the coffee table. Men, you may think they’re laughing because your jokes are so funny. But they’re really laughing at you.
Women, you may feel like a femme fatale because men are flocking around you. But it’s fatal to your ego when, the next day, you realize why. You can get a reputation of being “easy” or a lush.
I encountered a sad example of precisely that a few years ago when I was visiting a friend in my old hometown. While relaxing on Reenie’s porch, a strikingly beautiful redhead came out of the door across the street.
Reenie looked over at her. “Meow. That’s my new neighbor, Samantha—what a snob! If I say hi to her, she just looks the other way.
“Not that I lean out the window spying or anything, but I notice she has one boyfriend for a couple of weeks. Then he disappears and he’s replaced by another, then another, then another. I guess she’s real choosy.”
“With those looks, she can afford to be.”
“I suppose,” Reenie grumbled. “But she could be a little nicer to us earthlings.”
“I have an idea,” I said. “Why don’t we invite her to come join us on Saturday for a barbecue? We were planning to celebrate the Fourth of July in your backyard anyway. After all, she is your neighbor. And, hey, she might even introduce us to some of her rejects.”
We left a note in Samantha’s mailbox, never expecting to see her.
At noon on Saturday, we started the grill and put beer in the ice bucket. Behind us, we heard, “Yoohoo, it’s me. Sammi.”
Reenie and I whirled around, surprised to see her. Samantha continued in a slightly slurred voice, “Oh my goodness, those hot dogs smell dee-licious. They go so good with beer. May I have one?” She meant the beer, not the dogs. Not waiting for an answer, she headed straight for the cooler.
Reenie leaned over and whispered, “I think she’s looped, and it isn’t even noon yet!”
Several hours and several beers later—two beers each for us and six for Sammi—we started talking about, what else, men.
Reenie crooned the common lyrics, “Where are all the good men?” Drying mock tears, I joked, “I think they’re all dating Sammi.”
Sammi shocked us both when she announced, “Yes, but they always break up with me.”
“Huh?” Reenie and I gulped in unison.
She looked down. “I’ll meet a guy, usually at a bar. We’ll go out a few times, but it always winds up the same. They accuse me of being an alcoholic and don’t call me any anymore.”
“Well,” Reenie ventured tentatively, “do you, uh, drink a lot?”
“Well, I’m no fun without a few drinks. My dates would see me like I really am—boring and shy. I don’t even talk to people at work.”
Reenie and I looked at each other.
Sammi continued. “Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been a loner. It wasn’t because I wanted to, but I couldn’t look anyone in the eyes. In high school, I didn’t have any dates until I started loosening up with a few drinks. Then I’d have a great time. When I started feeling uncomfortable, I’d just have another drink.”
Our hearts went out to Sammi.
Using alcohol to feel confident doesn’t work in the long run. In fact, it makes the situation worse. Not only do you run the risk of becoming dependent on your “libation medication” or drugs, but you also deprive yourself of the satisfaction of having negotiated a social situation on your own. You feel all the more insecure the next time. Drinking can sink your confidence to a new low. Not to mention giving yourself a bad reputation and miserable hangovers.
Reenie has told me that Sammi looks much older than when I’d met her just a couple of years ago. Samantha is no longer a gorgeous redhead. Her dates have been dwindling off, and she seldom leaves the house except to go to work.
Here is another sad statistic: The Journal of Anxiety Disorders published a study showing super-shy people who drank to relieve the anguish of their shyness were far less likely to get married than the more sober Shys.31 Sadly, that seemed like it was going to be Sammi’s fate.