Several years ago, I volunteered for a charity event with an Indian woman named Aastha. She and I became quite close and, during our long hours together, talked about everything imaginable—including her sex life.
Aastha had been recently married. I asked her how she had met her husband. “Steven was in a drawing class I was taking,” she told me. He never talked to anybody. She smiled. “I thought he was sort of cute, so I said ‘hi’ to him once. He didn’t say anything but I know he was pleased.
“During the next couple of classes we exchanged a few words. Then a Modigliani exhibition came to town. I wanted to see it and asked if he would join me.
“He did. One thing led to another and we started dating.” Aastha smiled again. “The rest is history.” She lowered her voice. “He is still shy around people, but he sure isn’t shy about one thing.” She looked around to make sure no one was listening. “He is unbelievable!” There was no doubt what she was talking about.
If Aastha had not made the first move, she and Steven would not be a couple today.
I realized that if my wife wasn’t the aggressive type, we would never have been together. We were set up on a blind date. I golfed with a man whose wife worked with my now wife. Our first kiss was entirely my wife’s instigation. While I was attracted to her, if she hadn’t made it so blatantly clear that she liked me, I probably would have assumed she didn’t and never bothered calling her again.
—David D., Great Falls, Montana
There is one book, more than any other, that is literally within arm’s reach of most psychiatrists and psychologists. It is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders—the psychiatry “Bible,” as some call it. Whenever a question comes up, their hands shoot across the desk. With a quick flip of the pages, they find the answer to almost any psychological question—such as why finding a partner is more difficult for Shys than for the rest of the population.
Shy people are hypersensitive to potential rejection, humiliation, or shame. Social avoidants are unwilling to enter into situations unless given unusually strong guarantees of uncritical acceptance.42
—DIAGNOSTIC AND STATISTICAL MANUAL OF MENTAL DISORDERS
On your first date, you can’t say to someone, “If we have a second date, do you promise to love me and be faithful to me forever?” Yet that is what many Shys subconsciously want.
Intellectually, of course, we know there are no “guarantees” in love for Shys. (Nor for the Sures, nor even for the rich or famous. Especially the last category!) However, practically all Shys are capable of falling in love, being deeply loved by their partners, and having a lifelong, fulfilling relationship.
The good news is that when you do find a partner, you are usually capable of a deeper dedication than non-Shys. If the love is carefully controlled and reciprocated, it can bring both partners manifold pleasures that are often out of the reach of Sures who have dated extensively and had more love relationships.
Additionally, when you are in a good relationship, your partner will appreciate some of your more sensitive qualities.
When [highly sensitive] Shys finally do find their life partner, their spouses usually highly appreciate their qualities. Husbands and wives of Shys described their spouses’ qualities as “modest,” “cautious,” “dignified,” “sensitive,” “mannerly,” and “sincere.”43
—SHYNESS: PERSPECTIVES ON RESEARCH AND TREATMENT
Why do Shys fall in love more intensely than non-Shys?44 It is because many of them draw a thick protective ring around their inner lives. When someone does crash through that circle, he or she becomes particularly precious. Some Shys love their partner as much as or more than themselves.
Why quicker? Because they don’t usually date a lot and, when someone they are crazy about responds, whammo! They can be quick to take the fall.
Here are some questions you might want to ask yourself:
• Does my intense need for love stem from lack of self-esteem?
• Am I tempted to fall in love with the first person who says “I love you”?
• Do I need a partner to feel “complete”?
• Would I fall so deeply in love that it could suffocate my partner?
• Could my relationship be shaky because I might be too shy to socialize or do things with my partner?
• Would I be haunted by fears and fantasies of my partner’s safety or infidelity?
If you answered a lot of yeses, you have some homework to do. First, recognize how vulnerable you might be, which can have dire consequences on your relationships. Then concentrate on annihilating unhealthy thoughts. You do that in the same way you destroy the other destructive thoughts we talked about in Part 2. Only then can you comfortably progress with the following ShyBusters to find the right partner.
To recap, it is more difficult for you, as a Shy, to find a good relationship. And, when you do, there are potential perils. But if you take extra care to circumvent the problems, your previous anguish can be counterbalanced by incomparable bliss. You can experience intense joy in your relationship that a number of Sures never find!
A reader named Paul reminded me of the significant number of gay people who are also shy, lonely, and seeking love. Thank you, Paul, for your gentle chiding and for your very poignant letter.
I have a tremendous lack of self-esteem that has plagued me for many years. I know I must improve upon my self-confidence. First, I want to tell you that your books and recordings have changed my life. I find myself agreeing with you often, constantly seeing myself and my problems and faux pas in your stories and descriptions. However, in that search to improve, I find I have to chart my own course even more so than many of your readers. I wanted to let you know with the hopes that you might think a little about how to address my problems and those of millions of other people.
You see—and I’d be surprised if you hadn’t guessed this already—I’m gay. I’m a forty-two-year-old male, who for the most part of his life has been unable to find a partner or even very many people to date. I know many people think most gay men don’t have a big problem in relating to other gay men. And you may even have the impression that gay life is just hopping from one bed to another—or from one partner to another. But this isn’t true for a lot of us—especially the older people and people not raised in big cities or the more progressive areas of the country. I’d venture to guess that even though probably 10 percent of the population is gay or bi, we need help in figuring out how to find a good partner.
As wonderful as your books and CDs are, they are structured to the heterosexual side of the equation. I do understand that’s what you are and it constitutes the majority of your readers. And I certainly wouldn’t ask you to put out a series targeting gays (and/or lesbians, and all the other colors in the diverse rainbow).
But please, consider letting your readers know that we feel the same way, and have even greater challenges because we are gay. I know I’m not the only shy gay out here—and we need the help as much as anyone else. Especially the gay man or woman in smaller towns and rural areas who may not be able to find counselors or therapists who can or will deal with gays. And many gays consider themselves isolated and friendless and are in need of help when it comes to personal relationship skills.
Most of the gays I know and chat with online, both in the United States and throughout the world, really do want to find someone to love who loves us back. And someone who wants to be in a long-term relationship. I’m sure I’m not the only gay male in the United States who doesn’t want to grow old alone.
—Paul M., Dallas, Texas
I’d like underscore that, although I use gender-specific language in Good-Bye to Shy, all of the ShyBusters are for same-sex love as well.
English is a bulky language and all writers struggle with the words he and she when either could be correct. I also find that reading potential love partner too often becomes ponderous. Linguistically, gender-specific words flow more smoothly. Words like opposite sex, although often not appropriate, are part of our language. Please understand that when I use these words, it is merely for linguistic simplicity. I am hoping that our language changes to encompass everyone—not to mention to make it easier for us writers!