As a recovered Shy, I am now a relentless people watcher. Whether in an airport, in a Starbucks, or at a gathering, my eyes sweep the room like an electronic scanner silently scrutinizing people interacting with each other. Sadly, I see a heartbreaking human drama reenacted literally hundreds of times in hundreds of places.
A man’s and a woman’s eyes meet. You can almost hear their harmony. For them, the music is swelling and strains of “Our Love Is Here to Stay” fill the room.
But he’s shy and quickly looks away, pretending he’s not the least bit interested. She’s timid, too, and inspects the floor for dust. Inevitably, after about thirty seconds, she risks a brisk peek to see if he’s still looking at her. But alas, out of timidity, his eyes are elsewhere. Another half minute passes and, puffing up both his courage and his chest, he hazards another look. But alas, she is gone.
If only one of them had the courage to look at the other and smile, millions of scenes like this would have happier endings.
I am petrified of even looking at attractive women. I know that if I fall in love that I would be so vulnerable. She could walk all over me and I would just lie down and say “walk harder.” I would lose total control.
Because of this, I don’t even look at women I’m attracted to. I hate what I’m doing but I can’t stop it. It scares me that I may be missing a lot of chances for a meaningful relationship.
—Don G., Lindenhurst, New York
You’ve heard, “For the want of a nail, a shoe was lost; for the want of a shoe, a horse was lost; for the want of a horse, a rider was lost; for the want of a rider, a battle was lost; for the want of a battle, a kingdom was lost. All for the want of a nail!”
Just as true is: For the want of a smile, a conversation was lost. For the want of conversation, a date was lost. For the want of a date, a love was lost. For the want of love, a lifetime of happiness together was lost. All for the want of a smile.
Smile and say “hello.” It could change your life.
Smiling at an attractive potential partner is one of the biggest challenges for a Shy. Few singles—Shy or Sure—understand that the second someone spots you and finds you attractive, he or she wonders whether you are open to communicating with him or her. Because even Sures fear rejection, you must let that potential partner know that the answer is “yes” by smiling at him or her.
Men, let’s start with you. You spot a woman you like. You’ve rehearsed your smile enough in the mirror to know how your warm and friendly smile feels. Now, take a deep breath, soften your face, and give her one of your finest.
Please understand that if she looks away, it definitely does not mean that she isn’t interested. Females from the dawn of civilization have been taught to flutter their eyelashes and look away. To women, that is flirting.
But you, gentlemen, must not look away. Even in the famous painting depicting the beginning of time, “The Fall of Man: Adam and Eve,” Adam is gazing directly into Eve’s eyes. But she is demurely looking away—even while enticing him with the forbidden apple!
It’s almost a law of nature that women modestly (or strategically) look away when your eyes meet theirs. Shys, don’t be deterred. Employ ShyBuster #9, “Reject Imagined Rejection.” The world’s most eligible bachelor could glance at a woman, and her eyes would flutter away to the floor.
Now here is where it gets interesting. Dr. Timothy Perper spent years researching courtship patterns. His laboratory? A singles bar. A man looks at a woman. Perper discovered that if she is interested in him, she will first look away and then look up again within forty-five seconds. Not only that, gentlemen, but you can judge if she is responsive by how she looks away.46
If your eyes are elsewhere when she looks up again, the budding relationship could crash. Instead, keep your eyes in her direction and, when she looks up the second time, grace the woman with your warm smile again. I’d place bets that her reaction will be a lot warmer this time.
Your next move is to approach her and (no “pickup lines,” please!) either introduce yourself or ask her an innocuous question to get small talk started.
Shy ladies, even in the twenty-first century, most women believe that men must make the first move in initiating a relationship. Not true! In a study called “Nonverbal Courtship Patterns in Women: Context and Consequences,” researchers filmed a singles party with hidden cameras in the ceiling.47 When viewing the videotape afterward, they discovered that men didn’t usually approach a woman unless she had given him a subtle nonverbal invitation. The most common signal? A simple smile.
Surprised and fascinated by these findings, the researchers then surveyed hundreds of steadily dating and married couples. Much to their amazement, in two-thirds of all relationships, they discovered that the woman had smiled, sent an even more obvious signal, or spoken to her partner first. In other words, she started the ball rolling.
Of course, smiling at a desirable man isn’t easy. But take courage in the fact that, due to his male ego, he probably won’t even remember that you gave him a nonverbal signal to lure him over. He will give himself the credit!
My shyness was much worse with men that I was interested in dating. I had a crush on two guys at my gym but could not make direct eye contact or even talk to them. I even went to a bookstore to read up on how to flirt or talk to them. I did my research and picked the day to make conversation. When the day came, I choked. I just could not get past my crippling shyness, I was terrified. I was so frustrated and upset at my inability to talk to them that I went home and cried… a lot.
—Dina B., Topeka, Kansas
One thing is sure. Without eye contact, love and desire do not develop. With minimal eye contact, it could. With extra-long eye contact, you increase your chances astronomically.
First, you must be absolutely convinced of how crucial elongated eye contact is to love. A study called “Looking and Loving: The Effects of Mutual Gaze on Feelings of Romantic Love” proved that men and women who had extended eye contact during a casual conversation developed “significantly higher feelings of affection than subjects who had less eye contact with each other.”48
Why? Anthropologist Helen Fisher tells us that it is basic animal instinct.49 Unyielding eye contact creates a highly emotional state similar to fear. When you look directly and potently into someone’s eyes, his or her body actually produces a chemical similar to adrenalin, which creates the same tingly sensation that people feel when falling in love—and lust!
Psychologists studying love often use a gauge called Rubin’s Scale, which determines people’s feelings for each other. The prominent psychologist who devised it, Zick Rubin, conducted a study called “Measurement of Romantic Love.”50 He found that people who were deeply in love gaze intently at each other for a much longer time than normal. When strangers are conversing, they look at each other on the average only 30 to 60 percent of the time. Confident and comfortable lovers increase that to 75 percent.
I won’t promise that flirting with your eyes is going to be painless at first. But it will not be terrifying if (and only if!) you have practiced your eye contact exercises, ShyBusters #22, 23, and 24. If you haven’t, go back and master those first. Otherwise, you risk failing at flirting and will become discouraged.
If you do find eye contact difficult, make sure to use ShyBuster #26, silently saying, “I like you” while keeping your eyes on the other person’s.
Now you go for the big stakes. The following ShyBuster makes your eyes inviting and sensual. Although it works for both sexes, it is even more potent when a man looks into a woman’s eyes this way.
When saying hello to an attractive someone of the opposite sex, extend the silent “I like you” to:
“I really like you.”
Then “I really, really like you.”
Then “I really, really, really like you.”
Then “I really, really, really, really like you.”
When you’ve reached six “reallys,” you have achieved some serious sensuous eye contact. You can tell by his or her slightly nervous but excited reaction.
Those extra seconds of eye contact speak silent volumes. Whether you are spotting a potential partner across the room or casually chatting with them, your extra eye contact exudes powerful romantic signals.
Once you are in a relationship, change that “like” to “love.” Can you imagine the effect your eyes have on your partner while silently saying, “I love you. I really, really, really, really, really, really love you”?