The old adage “Opposites attract” is true—but only for a short time. “Birds of a feather flock together” is the glue that holds most long-term relationships together.51 All love seekers should scrounge the newspapers and surf the Web to find groups of people with the same interests. For Shy pursuers of love, it is almost essential. Just think of the benefits:
1. Approaching someone and making small talk is much easier when you share interests.
2. Making a date comes more naturally when an event of mutual interest comes up.
3. You don’t suffer the stigma of being there for the obvious purpose of meeting someone. It’s the mutual interest that draws you together.
I attended a faculty picnic after a college speech I gave a few years ago. After my talk, we sat on the campus lawn chatting and eating hamburgers. While talking with one of the teachers, I commented on a fortyish-looking man who had been sitting alone all afternoon.
“Oh, that’s Professor Wagner,” she said, “the head of the biology department. He’s a very kind man. But he’s shy and hardly talks to anyone. The only time he’s comfortable is when he’s in front of a class or talking about his field.” She laughed. “Don’t get him talking about mushrooms or he’ll talk your ear off.”
I wanted to meet this shy gentleman, so I crossed the park to introduce myself. From his demeanor, I could tell he was big-time shy.
I started the conversation, “Uh, Ms. Turner tells me you teach a course in mushrooms.”
“Uh, yes,” he said haltingly.
“I’ve always been interested in mushrooms,” I lied. “Can you tell me a little about your class?”
He started slowly, but then, as the teacher had warned, the plug popped out of the dam. He started gushing about matsutakes, chanterelles, boletes, and a dozen names that I assume were mushrooms. My only contribution to his monologue was “How can you tell a poisonous one from a good one?”
That made it stunningly obvious that mushrooms weren’t exactly my thing. He smiled and slithered back into his shy shell. After a rather lengthy moment of silence, he said, “You’ll have to excuse me, I’m very shy.” He then gave me one of the Shy’s typical “Excuse me for taking up space on your planet” looks.
I told him that I was writing about the subject and asked if I could talk with him for a few minutes. He cautiously conceded but gave monosyllabic answers to most of my questions.
I guided the conversation to his private life. He told me that he was forty-two and that he would like to marry and maybe start a family, but he was too timid to ask any woman for a date. “And I don’t meet many women. Besides,” he added, “it’s too late for me to think about getting married. All of the other professors already have children or teenagers.”
“Professor Wagner,” I asked, “are there any mushroom clubs? I mean, mushroom societies? I mean, associations? Well, groups of people of people who love mushrooms? Biologically, I mean. Not just for eating?”
Understandably, he looked at me confused. “Uh, I think so. But I wouldn’t learn anything because, well, I probably know at least as much as they do about mushrooms.”
He hadn’t gotten the point. “Professor Wagner,” I ventured, “may I make a suggestion?” He nodded. “I think you might enjoy going to a meeting of people who are interested in mushrooms. They would be very grateful if you shared your knowledge. You would be giving information instead of receiving. I highly suggest it.”
Just then, we felt a drizzle from the sky, a sure sign that the picnic was over, and it was time to say our good-byes.
I felt sad that Professor Wagner hadn’t picked up on my suggestion to attend some meetings or events where he could meet other people who shared his interests. Seizing on the example of the shy wine connoisseur from West Virginia who wrote me that she was able to make comfortable conversation at wine tastings, I had hoped Professor Wagner would enjoy socializing with some mushroom aficionados.
Several years passed, and the college invited me to speak there again. After my speech, I asked the event coordinator how Professor Wagner was doing and told her I’d like to say hello.
“Let me get his number for you.” She looked at her faculty list. “I’m sure it will be OK if you call him at home.”
I dialed his number, and a woman answered. Her voice was sweet but barely audible. I asked to speak to Professor Wagner. The next thing I heard was a soft, “Mike, honey, it’s for you.”
He seemed pleased that I’d called. Without sounding like I was trying to probe, I said, “The woman who answered has a lovely voice. Is she a relative?”
“Yes, she’s my wife. And she is wonderful. Oh, I’m so sorry, Leil, I should have called you. After we spoke a few years ago, I thought about what you said and found a local league of mushroom lovers. I met Sandra there. It was a long time before either of us had the courage to approach the other. She’s very shy but one time on a mushroom gathering trip, we started walking and talking together. We have so much in common….”
Both Professor Wagner and Sandra are passionate about mushrooms. Happily, they now have each other to be passionate about, too.