Some people are, indeed, “born shy.” Or, at least, they are at higher risk of becoming shy. But genes are not destiny. Nor is there actually a “shy gene.” Scientists didn’t look into the microscope and say, “Ah ha, there’s the little bugger, the shy gene.” However, 20 to 30 percent of babies are born with a brain chemistry that makes them more apt to become shy.55
Parents, if your child was one of the sensitive babies who is more prone to shyness, it would have shown up early. Just one month after carrying your little bundle of joy home, you could have determined whether he or she were the type of newborn that the shyness bug likes to feast on.
A landmark study proved that some newborns have a higher proclivity toward shyness. Two of the world’s top shyness researchers brought 400 one-month-old infants into their laboratory.56 They put a creepy toy in the infants’ cribs, gave each a whiff of alcohol on a Q-tip, and played a recording of a stranger’s voice for them.
Almost a third of the babies freaked out, howling and flailing their tiny arms and legs. After their traumatic incident, they clung tightly to a parent. Years later, the researchers discovered that those particular babies suffered shyness. We will call this type of Shy a “Highly Sensitive Shy,” or “HSS.”
In contrast, approximately two-thirds of the infants took the obnoxious intrusions in their stride. They simply shoved the ghastly toy and stinky stuff away and then smiled at the stranger’s voice.
The researchers’ hypothesis was proven.
Approximately one-third of babies’ body chemistry makes them extra sensitive to unfamiliar events and people, and therefore more susceptible to becoming shy.57
—SCIENCE
Parents of newborns, you can replicate this research to discover your baby’s proclivity for shyness.
Your research instruments? One: A weird toy—maybe a creepy black rubber spider. Two: Something stinky. (No, not her own full diapers. That is an everyday fragrance for her.) Three: the postman, a next door neighbor, or anyone else your baby has never seen.
First step: Dangle the hideous toy above her crib. Watch her reaction.
Second step: Wave the stinky stuff under her tiny nose. Watch her reaction.
Third step: Tell the stranger to say “koochie koochie koo.” Watch her reaction.
Sensitive babies will react more frantically to these new stimuli, whereas those who are not prone to shyness will just say “yuuuck” in baby talk and push it away.
As a baby, our daughter was so sensitive she couldn’t stand being held by anybody but Mommy and Daddy (and sometimes even Daddy was not on her accepted list). It was a very trying time. She may have been colicky to start, but, as she grew older as a preschooler, this sensitivity grew into what many might call “shy,” characterized by avoiding people’s eyes when she first met them, not talking to them, and hanging behind Mom’s and Dad’s legs rather than socializing with people.
—Steve C., Vancouver, British Columbia58
For the relentless researchers, the experiment was far from over. Four years after their first observation, they brought the 400 little subjects back into the lab. Sure enough, most of the tots who had tested highly sensitive showed incipient signs of shyness.
About half those highly sensitive babies grew into being extremely timid teens.
My daughter is what her psychologist calls “slow-to-warm.” She comes off shy until she knows someone, but eventually she settles in and opens up, so people think she is just shy. It actually runs much deeper. It has to do with everything in her life. If she isn’t familiar with a situation, she has a significant amount of anxiety, even over the littlest of things. For example, she’s in fourth grade and her class was taking a field trip to the state capitol. She’s been in this school with these kids since kindergarten and has even shown her horse in Lansing a number of times. But she had never been to the state capitol and didn’t know what to expect. The night before the trip, she couldn’t sleep, was nauseous, and so on.
—Steve C., Vancouver, British Columbia
Unfortunately, HSSs often assume that something is wrong with them because they’re not “look at me” types. If you are a highly sensitive person, your brain functions differently from an extrovert’s. You think more deeply. It takes you longer to process information. You try to listen carefully and usually speak more slowly.
Americans listen to outrageous radio and television personalities. We elect outgoing politicians. We listen to extreme rock bands, adore scantily clad show-off girls, and flock in droves to theaters to see bigger-than-life movie stars—and then stay up half the night to see them again on the Oscars.
Regrettably, our Western world does not recognize or reward introvert qualities as much as it does extrovert. As a result, some HSSs assume they are not as smart or as talented as the Sures.
Stop! Wrong way! Go back! Countless studies have blasted the myth about shyness indicating stupidity. In many cases, in fact, it’s just the opposite.
The majority of gifted children (60 percent) are introverts. In studies of intelligence, the higher the IQ, the higher the percentage of introverts. A greater number of National Merit Scholars are introverted than extroverted, and they get higher grades in Ivy League colleges.59
What this says is this: Value your God-given qualities and don’t let anyone make you feel inferior because you don’t like to sit around with the gang and chew the fat or to leap into conversations before you’ve thought things through. Even extremely confident, highly sensitive people take longer to process their thoughts. Give deserved worth to your inner world and become comfortable with your quieter qualities.
Recently, an extremely successful yet soft-spoken woman named Cheryl engaged me to do a speech in Phoenix, Arizona. While driving to the convention hall, I told her that I was writing a book on shyness. A few weeks later, I received this surprise e-mail from her.
Leil, our conversation struck a familiar chord with me. I have struggled with “shyness” all of my life, feeling like I’m marching to a different drummer than most of the world. I couldn’t understand why many of my schoolmates and coworkers enjoyed talking with lots of people and spending large amounts of time visiting. I preferred just one or two close friends, more intimate settings, and deeper conversation. I couldn’t figure out why I would rather remain in the background and think about a topic before speaking, while others would vocalize their thoughts without restraint. I couldn’t fathom how people who became my closest and dearest friends would later tell me that they thought I was “cold” or “aloof” upon first impression—but realized I was “anything but” after they got to know me. I was very intelligent, always an honors student, and later an excellent businessperson. I truly liked people. But I couldn’t seem to get the hang of the whole socializing bit. I wondered if something was “wrong” with me.
—Cheryl M., Phoenix, Arizona
Cheryl’s poignant message continues with her self-discovery and her conclusions. It finishes with how she now leads a successful and joyful life within the framework of her more sensitive nature. Due to its length, you will find Cheryl’s full letter in Appendix A.
As you go about your daily life, remember that HSSs are usually people of high integrity and compassion. They are not often conspicuous leaders of crowds, but they are leaders by example: thinkers, advisors, healers. They are very fair and have many other qualities that have a positive effect on society.60